Friday, June 13, 2014

Futures End #6

How does Lois Lane have the most popular future blog ever? Spider Jerusalem must not exist in The New 52.

Because it's a weekly comic book, Futures End contains about sixteen million different plot threads so that different writers can concentrate on different parts of the story and not have to rush a script every week. So it's a toss up what characters we'll get to read about each week. Last week was Firestorm and Grifter heavy, so this week opens with The Key, Plastique, and Coil discussing breaking into TerrifiTech.

Surprisingly, in general, I agree with Plastique. But to answer her question about why someone might care: if you'd used the correct word, the person you're speaking with wouldn't have to clarify. You are planning to risk your lives committing a major crime. I think The Key just wants clear communication and isn't being didactic just to be a dick.

Listening in on their plans is Terry McBatman. He's decided to eavesdrop on them because he realizes that the Bugbot that came with him from the future is the woman discussing the break-in with her pals. Eavesdropping on the eavesdropping McBatman is Mister Terrific. He's the third smartest man on New Earth so he recognized the homeless man wandering around outside of his building as the Batguy that broke into his foundation earlier in the week. Actually one of Mister Terrific's employees notices that. But that's what third smartest people do! They smartly hire people dumber than they are but still capable enough to do one or two things really well. This guy's talent is seeing homeless people when nobody else notices them.

Meanwhile, Ray Palmer is bringing Frankenstein up to speed on the ship he built which travels through the Phantom Zone.

I made a joke last time that the ship shrinks down before enabling travel through the Phantom Zone. Apparently it's no joke.

While traveling through the Phantom Zone, things instantly fall apart. Or grow bigger. Or whatever. The phantoms notice them and soon begin destroying Palmer's ship. I don't know how The Phantom Zone works because I'm just a caveman. But apparently the phantoms can hurt the ship which is not a phantom. And Frankenstein's sword can hurt the phantoms which are not swords. The worst part about being attacked by Phantom Zone Inmates is that they're all basically Kryptonian clones. I can't tell any of them apart at all! If only they'd been attacked by Warworld, I would have recognized that! But no. Instead they're attacked by Black Adam. How the fuck did he wind up in here? Also (and I know he was in Forever Evil as well) but didn't Black Adam crumble to dust in the Shazam back-up stories in Justice League? I must have forgotten when a new Black Adam was created. Or completely misunderstood the original story. Or am simply completely remembering everything wrong because why would DC kill Black Adam only to bring him back with no explanation at all? That doesn't make any sense, right?

Back in New York City, Lois Lane is bugging the fuck out of Red Robin because he's not Red Robin anymore and she wants him to admit that he was. Here's one more reason why journalists are fucking assholes. Getting a story that can shine light on government or corporate corruption is one thing. Chasing down an ex-hero who has changed their name and is trying to live a peaceful, anonymous life is entirely another. But instead of protecting his privacy or his wishes, Lois Lane is thinking about how many fucking hits her website is going to get if she can break this story. Just because somebody sent you some clues in the mail that seem to imply this Corcoran guy is Red Robin doesn't mean you have to follow up on them. They could have been sent by any fucking crackpot and now Lois is pestering some guy that just wants to run his bar. Unless Red Robin is wanted for war crimes during the New Earth/Earth Two war, leave him the fuck alone.

Oh man! I hope he's wanted for war crimes!

While Lois stalks Red Robin, King Faraday has been stalking Lois. He apparently wants to know what she knows and who sent her the things that told her what she knows. But somebody, even five years from now, is still protecting Lois Lane.

I bet Superman found the Ark of the Covenant and his face melted off. Or maybe his heat vision has gone all Cyclops on him so he needs the visor! Or, and this is probably the actual reason for the mask, it isn't Clark Kent!

Futures End #6 Rating: No change. The introduction of helmeted Superman might be the most interesting thing so far across six issues. This is an alternate future story! Get fucking crazy already! Stop fucking dragging your feet, you assholes! How many issues do you expect people to hang on before they drop this shit?! I'd say six, so you totally fucked up! Unless Surprise Superman is your trump card to get people to hang on one more issue even though they know his identity won't be revealed any time soon. At least it's more interesting than Grifter talking to himself, Jason and Ronnie squabbling, Tim serving drinks, and Lois Lane bothering Tim. Jesus that sounds like an awful soap opera. Somebody better fucking die next issue or I'm going to start making up the story I want to read and I'm not buying any more of these things!

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