Superman Loves Wonder Woman #9

I think these Kryptonians need some serious therapy.

I know how to stop Superdoomsdayman and save the day! As long as Deadman isn't busy with his own life and he doesn't mind remaining in this body for the rest of eternity. It's not like he'd be any worse off than The Thing over in Marvel. Like Thing, he just needs to find a blind girl with an inability to feel tactile sensations and he can live happily ever after in this bony, jacked-up body. But what about Clark's personality, you ask? Well fuck. I'm sure Constantine can transfer it into the body of a dolphin or something. This is a comic book! Am I seriously supposed to believe none of the magic users in the DC Universe can stop this shit? What use are they?!

I suppose since the magic characters aren't allowed in certain story lines because they'd fix the problem too quickly, I'll just have to see how Superman, Wonder Woman, and Supergirl punch this problem into submission.

This issue begins with The Daily Planet printing government propaganda and slapping Lois's name on it to make it seem trustworthy.

I'm reading this on the correct date!

As you can read, all nations gave the United States of America the go ahead to drop a bomb on Superman because he was being a total dick. Nobody should worry about the side-effects of the bomb though! Only the entire atmosphere has been adulterated with a cancer causing substance. Way to go, North Korea! You're against everything the American government does but you couldn't go against them on this stupid decision?! Actually, you know they were against it which is one of the many reasons this article is such obvious propaganda to ensure the populace that there is no way in hell they are suing anybody later in life when they're all coming down with K-Cancer.

Also, Superdoom is a fucking stupid name. Stop robbing him of his "humanity" just to sensationalize the story! You don't tack on "cancer" to the name of your loved ones when they get cancer! "Hey, Jimcancer! Are you still dying? How about I fill the room with a gigantic green fart? Feel better now?"

Yes but it doesn't all die at the hands of Doomsday, you arrogant prick.

Death is easy, Doomsday. Anybody can be the hands of death. And, as you said, everything dies. So what are you actually accomplishing? Nothing, you stupid fuck. At most you're a gentle breeze fanning the flames of a forest fire that is already going to wipe out everything whether you blew by or not. You're a narcissistic piece of shit and Lois Lane shouldn't be giving you any coverage at all. This lead should be buried and your name forgotten. Nobody cares about you and your death-dealing antics. You're a piece of shit that should just take his own life quietly and alone, the way people used to take their own lives long before they realized they could at least make the national news circuit on their way out of the mortal realm. Anyway, I guess it doesn't really matter. Superman is going to kick your ass before you can kill anybody else. Because unlike Batman who refuses to kill but still only saves the day after innocent people die, Superman can save everybody before they die! Unless they're his parents. And all of those other people that blame Superman for their deaths simply because he didn't stop death completely. But he can stop Doomsday!

I think.

Wonder Woman has followed Superman into the jungles of Brazil where he's destroying more rain forest in a few minutes than the locals have destroyed in decades. She has asked her sister Hessia for help finding a cure for Superman.

She's also developed a lazy eye. Superman hit her harder than I realized.

I would have gathered up Zatanna and John Constantine, personally. But I guess an exiled Amazonian healer might be able to come up with some solutions.

For a healer, Hessia has some seriously tricked out armor to protect her when gathering medicinal herbs. And since the belt clasp is two Ws on top of each other, she'll probably hand this armor off to Diana when Hessia is through with it. And by "through with it," I mean dead.

Forget triage. I think Hessia was actually a veterinarian. "This animal is really sick and it's trying to bite me when I examine it. It should be euthanized."

To prove Superman is more dangerous than Diana thinks, Hessia reveals to Superman that she was the one that sent the pictures of Clark and Diana fucking to Clarkcatropolis.com. She did it because Superman wanted to keep the relationship secret and her BFF Wonder Woman didn't want that at all. So she decided to butt her Amazonian ass into their relationship instead of letting them decide together. Just as she predicted, this pisses Clark off just a little bit and he allows his Doomsday side to punch her up a bit.

To keep Hessia from getting killed, Wonder Woman hogties Superman and flies him up above the Kryptonite cloud so he regains his rationality.

Deep into the heart of the sun! Or Ysmault!

After Wonder Woman heads back to Earth to catch her breath and put on a heavy cardigan, the Red Lanterns show up to beat the shit out of Superman. They're the guardians of Sector 2814 so it's their responsibility to put him down! You can't let some other yokel take him behind the shed and shoot him. You have to deal with this shit yourself or you'll wind up blubbering about it for the rest of the movie and annoying everybody with your moaning. Although Superman isn't really Guy Gardner's problem. But he kind of is Supergirl's problem since some people think family is important for some reason. I think family is just a bunch of people society tries to guilt you into liking.

The only thing the Red Lanterns accomplish is forcing Doomsday back to the surface. That probably means Clark is going to change his mind about that sabbatical in the sun. Also, Superman manages to toss the Red Lanterns down to Antarctica. Or the Arctic. Oh, who cares? DC Comics treats them like the same place.

Maybe the Reds can take him back to Ysmault and dunk him in the Blood Ocean! That usually solves their rage problems.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. If you want to compare apples and oranges, take this issue of Doomed and compare it to Lobdell's issue of Doomed in Superman #31. Technically, since they're both comic books, that shouldn't be described as comparing apples and oranges. But apples and oranges have more in common than that thrown together piece of shit and this fabulously well-written piece of fiction.