Wednesday, June 25, 2014

New Guardians #32

The Psions? Those were the Guardians pet lizard people!

The Psions are a race of emotionally stunted lizard people that love to experiment on other creatures and hate to remember that they were created through experimentation. They've repressed the cultural memory of their origin so severely that whenever a child Psion asks his parents where he came from, they immediately kill and eat him and forget that they ever had a child. Then they find a new planet and grab a few new creatures from that planet and begin trying to turn them into gods, wondering the entire time what all the salty leakage from their eyes is about.

Kyle Rayner will get along great with the Psions since he's got a lot of repressed memories sitting around repressing themselves inside his brain. From this moment on, I'm going to use "repressing myself" as a euphemism for masturbation.

The issue begins with some Psions dealing with...well, something they can't rightly remember but it probably has to do with that extra room of the house with the tiny bed in it. What was that for again?

I guess the Oan protecting the Fuzzy Wuzzem is Zeppo, the missing Bohemian Guardian. It also might be Elric of Melniboner.

Melniboner. I'm such a goddamned child.

Quaros (the Bohemian Guardian that I previously referred to as "Zeppo" when I couldn't think of his name) gets kidnapped by the Psions right along with all of the Fuzzy Wuzzems. As I was updating my list of what planets are in which sectors, I noticed one of my entries which proves that I write this shit purely for myself since nobody was going to see this entry but me. It was for Sector 2813 and reads:

1. Krypton. Just kidding! It's gone!
2. The space where Krypton used to be!

While Kyle Rayner is off not existing and battling planets, Carol Ferris and the Bohemian Guardians continue to hunt for Quaros.

By this logic (and what is a Guardian if not pure logic?), Kyle Rayner is more powerful than a Bohemian Guardian. It's possible that has already been pointed out. I have trouble processing information which I've previously completely ignored.

The Bohemian Guardians come up with a plan to find Quaros. They hold hands and then explode.

Do comic book characters often take the Lord's name in vain? Disgusting!

Apparently the hand holding explosion plan worked because the Bohemian Guardians now know where Quaros is being held. It's a huge ship filled with Space Sharks and Squid Drills and Manta Spaceboards. The Psions have been quite busy repressing stuff. What the Bohemian Guardians don't know (but should because this is true of everything, including blind dates and family gatherings) is that they're walking into a trap. And Carol Ferris follows right along because she doesn't know what else to do. I suppose once she's being experimented on, Kyle Rayner will feel it in his heart or soul or whatever part of the male human body feels love. Oh! The penis!

Nobody can resist falling into a good trap.

Just as the Psions are moving in to capture Ferris and the Fuzzy Wuzzem that has been turned inside out and made into a cybernetic Fuzzy Wuzzem assassin begins ominously approaching Carol, Kyle Rayner appears out of a rip in space-time! And that's his only appearance in the entire comic book. So you know, this issue was better than most.

New Guardians #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm glad that New Guardians has surgically removed itself from the cascading crossovers of the Green Lantern Universe. And since this comic book isn't called "Kyle Rayner, New Guardian" but instead "Green Lantern New Guardians," he doesn't even need to be in it very often. It's really about the Bohemian Guardians now, right?! And Carol Ferris! Kyle could have continued to not exist and I probably wouldn't have even noticed.

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