Aquaman #31

This isn't a go at Jeff Parker but I'd rather read Charles Soule's version of Aquaman than Parker's version of Swamp Thing. He's just going to write a Swamp Thing that doesn't want other creatures eating.

A few issues ago, Aquaman was disturbed to find a bloom of red algae across the entire ocean for just a few seconds. More algae means more creatures can eat which means Aquaman must stop whoever was behind the bloom! Unless more red algae simply means less oxygenated water and more dead creatures. What do I look like, a marine bioscienceperson?! I suppose that in this day and age, everybody that owns a smart phone is an amateur marine bioscienceperson since they can ask Lord Google any question and he will answer more or less correctly.

You youngsters don't remember a day when you'd be out to dinner with your friends and somebody would ask a question that nobody knew the answer to and we'd all just have to go on with dinner without finding out the answer. Now whenever anybody needs information, they just pull out their stupid phone (which is stupid but smarter than they are) to look up the answer. I am so sick of being in groups of people that allow their fucking phones to do all of their thinking for them. Imagine taking a cell phone back to some kids in the seventies (while magically ignoring that you wouldn't get any service. Let's pretend it has time travel wi-fi capabilities!) and letting them know they could get the answer to any question ever no matter where they were simply by asking this device. The first question any kid from the seventies would ask would be, "So this has like unlimited porn on it?"

That would be the most important function to a child of the seventies that has spent much of their life trying to find a way to see naked people. They haven't been raised in a culture of narcissism, so they wouldn't quite see the value of not knowing anything. They wouldn't realize how much time could be spent simply paying attention to themselves when they didn't have to seek out or retain knowledge. And by knowledge I mean porn.

Currently in the pages of Aquaman, Arthur has recruited Ya'wara to help him find The Swamp Thing.

He doesn't respect your privacy, Ya'wara, because he wants to put his barracuda in your octopus.

Swamp Thing is busy bullying Swamp Cryptid Hunters. I bet Aquaman would love to join in. Aquaman hates being hunted by people who simply want to become famous by proving the existence of a really boring super hero. But instead of helping, Aquaman turns on Swamp Thing! Why does Aquaman suddenly care about the safety of a couple of land dwellers? I bet it's because Aquaman hates leafy green monsters more than he hates opportunistic land dwellers.

Even in your own title, you can't win, Fishfucker!

Hmm. "Fishfucker" was a hateful word. I shouldn't have said that. I've grown up around Atlanteans and some of my best friends are Atlanteans and I would never use that kind of language in a hateful or hurtful way. I don't hate Aquaman because he's an Atlantean! I hate him because he's Aquaman!

Meanwhile in Atlantis, Mera is riding around on giant seahorses! Aquaman should do more of this. It would go a long way to mending our fence. I don't know what that means but it sounds like the right thing to say. Although I think it might be the opposite of tearing down the wall although people use it to mean the same thing. Apparently fences make good neighbors but in reality they don't make good neighbors at all because it's the idiot neighbor that says that and not the wise narrator of the poem that believes something exists that doesn't love a wall. Like a gremlin or a troll or something. And then Reagan didn't say "Gorbachev, mend that wall!" when he wanted to improve relations with whatever evil country Gorbachev was the spotty head of. But that story makes Reagan the wise narrator and that's a little hard to swallow! Maybe I should have avoided the wall altogether and took the path less traveled by since it avoids that stupid wall.

Mera searches for the assassins that plotted to kill her which takes her to the most conservative place in all of Atlantis: The Underrealm. It's the Montana of Atlantis. It's where most of the Birthers live. The Birthers are the people that don't want a Xebelian ruling their home because Xebelians chose not to be born in Atlantis, the vile monsters. The residents of The Underrealm are loyal to Orm the Ocean Master. They will never accept a Xebelian leader! Well, maybe if it were a male Xebelian leader. It's hard to tell if they're more xenophobic than they are misogynist. They're all completely racist though. Also, I'm making sweeping generalizations about the people of The Underrealm when I don't actually know anything about them! I should hold off comparing them to Montanans before I get too insulting!

I wonder how often Michelle Obama gets this reaction?

These two electric eel wielding rebels are quickly reinforced by a bunch of men riding giant crabs into battle. Although the crabs are all facing forward so maybe the reinforcements are merely passing by. It's also possible the giant crabs of the Underrealm are of a type that can walk forward but I'd rather believe the artist made a mistake because then I can feel superior by pointing it out. What's the use of blogging on the internet if you can't take every opportunity at hand to make yourself seem better than everyone else?

Meanwhile back in the swamp, Ya'wara comes to Aquaman's rescue. And by rescue, I mean she gets caught up in a bunch of vines too. And even though Swamp Thing has explained to Aquaman that they're on the same side and the algae incident was a brief show of power that didn't concern Aquaman, Aquaman and Ya'wara still want to prove they can defeat the Swamp Thing. Which they can't do, of course. But Aquaman can finally mention how some living cloud of plants is eating the Apo Reef or something. Swamp Thing checks into it and realizes it could use his attention, so he leaves the battlefield.

Sometimes, like right here where he reacts to being defeated in his own comic book, I really like Aquaman.

Finally, Dr. Orson of Triton Base is putting the finishing touches on Creature King!

Aquaman #31 Rating: +1 Ranking. Sure, most of this comic book did that thing that comic books do which I hate! You know that thing? Where the good guy fights the other good guy instead of approaching the other good guy and explaining his problem? But I enjoyed the way it was done! Swamp Thing was rational the entire time, secure in his knowledge that Aquaman was no threat to him. Meanwhile, Aquaman continued to beat his head against Swamp Thing because he sees him as a threat to the entire world. Probably because Aquaman read Batman's file on Swamp Thing before approaching Swamp Thing. That's always a bad idea! Batman's files are filled with Worst Case Scenarios! And next month in Swamp Thing #32, I'll get to see Charles Soule's version of Aquaman! That should be quite enjoyable. And maybe Aquaman will defeat Swamp Thing in his own title since it looks like the second half of the story will take place in Aquaman's realm. All in all, I think Jeff Parker is doing a really good job on this book. It's been a lot of old school fun so far.