Justice League 3000 #7

Who could they possibly be betrayed by?! Firestorm 3000 is the only one not on the cover! Or maybe it will be Aquaman 3000!

I answered the phone earlier and said, "Hello?" But there was no answer for a few seconds and you could hear the background noise of a call center. Then the person that called me said, "Hello?" But I already said hello. It's not my fucking job to assure you that I'm on the phone after you called me and I already said, "Hello?" So I just sat there silently until they hung up. Fuck you, motherfuckers. If you're going to call me about something, be fucking prepared for me to answer! Assholes.

This issue begins with Locus and Convert having a conversation. Locus looks as adorable as ever. Convert looks like a yellow guy in a religious hat for the Eastern Orthodox Church. I don't know if that's the real Convert or just a person that the Convert has currently converted. Hopefully it's not the real Convert because I'm still holding out hope that the Convert is Aquaman 3000.

Wonder Woman 3000's nose looks like a wart.

As Kali and The Convert amass an army to recapture Justice League 3000, I notice the army looks a lot like The Convert! That's a good sign! Because the army is the Convert as well. I bet The Convert is sitting in a huge fishbowl somewhere fingering an octopus as he dreams of universal conquest.

JL3k finally escape from the Fatal Five although I don't know what good it's going to do them. I forget what they're supposed to be doing. Saving the universe? And aren't they saving it from the Fatal Five? So shouldn't they be back down on that planet fighting them? Shouldn't somebody have killed Locus? How can you let something that powerful live if you intend to protect the universe from her? I don't think an antiquated belief in nonlethal justice can be relied on to keep the universe safe from a person whose thoughts become reality and whose reality becomes super reality.

Somebody on Cadmusworld (the shadow from the cover) contacts the Fatal Five because he's a mole for the bad guys! Or she is! The hair is crazy enough to be either of the Wonder Twins. But that seems too obvious which is why I guessed it was Aquaman 3000 when I looked at the cover and thought, "Isn't that shadow one of the Wonder Twins?"

Just as a refresher for my present and future self, I will list the Fatal Five, or at least the ones I remember. 1. Locus. 2. Convert. 3. Coeval. 4. Kali. 5. Umm. The Persuader? It must be the Persuader, right? I think I remember the fifth being the Persuader. And the Persuader must be the one that has infiltrated Cadmusworld.

See? I had a point! Superman 3000 agrees with me! Us arrogant assholes need to stick together!

It doesn't take long for Terri to out himself as the traitor when he snaps Terry's neck and blows off The Flash's head. That seems a bit much for a villainous debut but I have to give him credit for showmanship. Terry also points out that the Justice League and everybody working for Cadmus are filled with explosive nanocites because nanocites are overused bullshit. But only JL3k have to worry about exploding because Coeval immediately blows up everybody else. Which seems like a stupid move since the hostages were the only thing forcing the JL3k and Ariel Masters to surrender themselves. JL3k don't care if they die again!

Coeval might also be Terry's downloaded personality or something. It's hard to know for sure because this is the third comic book I've written about today and I'm really anxious to go do other things now. Like swim with dolphins and eat an entire pizza by myself.

Justice League 3000 #7 Rating: No change. I'm not so thrilled with the nanocites but I still like a DC story that isn't hamstrung by continuity. Some other good points: Howard Porter's art is nice to look at and The Flash's head exploded. Some other bad points: I feel nothing for this comic book or its characters and writing about it feels like a passionless bout of sex with a person I was never actually attracted to in the first place but kept dating because I had nothing else to do with my time.