Wonder Woman #32

When life gives you labyrinths, make minotaurade.

Because I don't know anything about anything else, I decided to consult Princess Wikipedia for the origin of the saying, "When life gives you labyrinths, make lemonade." Err, or something. Anyway, she made a face and rolled her eyes and said, "Really? You're going to demand information from me? Well I'm busy. But I'm sure my retinue has uncovered some information." And she was correct! Although her retinue are idiots that publish sentences like this in her name: "In 2011 the rap duo Bad meets evils song loud noises Eminem said 'Life handed me lemons, I jumped back in the public eye And squirted lemon juice in it'". Illiterate peasants are running her kingdom!

Ever notice how every Wikipedia article details the subject for a bit and then ends in an "In Popular Culture" section which basically means "All the Times This Subject Was Mentioned in Modern Pop Music, Shitty Movies, and Anime."

The Wikipedia entry on "Themyscira" currently reads, "A place preparing for a big fat war, fatty fuck cock ass democrats suck!!."

The Wikipedia entry for "Hell" currently reads, "An hour or more alone at a table with your parents. Or a realm quickly emptying of lost souls being visited by Moon and Desire."

The Wikipedia entry for "Olympus" currently reads, "Wadn't dat da place with all a dem gods and such? The ones defeated by Yahweh? More like Obunchalimppussies, amirite?"

Never mind this panel. This is more important. Way back when Sarah Palin was first announced as the vice presidential candidate, I visited her Wikipedia page to learn more about her. It read, "A taco." I laughed so hard that I hit refresh before thinking clearly and taking a screen shot and it had already been fixed. I never read the restored page though because "a taco" was really all I needed to know.

The First Born keeps yammering on about killing all the gods until Strife walks up and sits on his hand. Then he says, "Rrrrggh." I think that means, "Okay, I guess you can live because my thumb feels really fucking nice resting lightly upon your labia."

The Wikipedia entry for "labia" currently reads, "If only teenage boys knew the actual names for the female genitalia, they could find lots of good wank material here! I mean, lots of good information. Unless showing the majority of photos of female genitalia minus the pubic hair is only going to confuse them later in life."

Anyway, the battle begins in Harvest's realm. Cassandra and the S&Minotaur attack. They're easily contained by Moon, Desire, Harvest, and Wonder Woman. But then The First Born arrives to destroy Harvest's entire realm. He's successful enough that Harvest gives up. But not Wonder Woman! She sends everybody away so that she can face the First Born in a one on one, hand to hand deathmatch supreme.

The Wikipedia entry for "mano a mano" currently reads, "Total gay man on man sack action with nachos."

Hermes managed to survive the tussle in Hell and he's the guy that teleports everyone away from The First Born. He's also the one that has to explain to Zola that he doesn't know if Wonder Woman will survive the battle against The First Born. And that's when Orion and Wesley Willis return to save the day! But that day won't come until next month.

Wonder Woman #32 Rating: No change. Thirty two issues of The New 52 Wonder Woman and I still don't know why she's been living in London. Why do you ignore the important parts of the story, Azzarello? Do you hate the readers?! We have questions that need answers! Like how many kebabs does Wonder Woman down each night on the way home blitzed from drinking at the pub? Does she enjoy her chips with mayonnaise or ketchup? When she goes dancing at the clubs (you remember? That thing she likes to do that Charles Soule told us about because you were too busy writing about the war between the gods?), which drugs does she take? If only you cared about the character, Azzarello! Stop screwing around and writing something worth reading! I think you're just content to only be ranked at #2 in the most objective New 52 Ranking System ever devised (mine!).