Action Comics #32

Meet your Anti-Superman Army! Metallo! Atomic Skull! Steel! Ghost Soldier!

You know who's missing from the Anti-Superman Army? Ambush Bug. He was Superman's greatest enemy.

Like the rest of the Doomed issues, this issue begins with an article by Lois Lane. She's decided to cutely refer to the creature that will soon probably kill everybody on Earth as "Superdoom." She relates the conversation she had with him in Superman #31 which pisses me off because Scott Lobdell wrote that conversation. I thought I was done reading Scott Lobdell's version of Superman! I had cleansed myself after reading Superman #31, performed ancient rituals to purify my psyche, and sacrificed a small child to the Great Old Ones so that the dark corners of my house would no longer haunt me. That last part had little to do with Lobdell but I figured it was that time of year to clear the cobwebs.

Anyway, horrible Lobdell scripted conversation better, Lois agreed to tell the world that Superman can't be trusted. And the world went, "Oh yeah. We already got the memo. We're xenophobic, racist bastards who would rather die painfully than be saved by a guy that thinks he's better than we are. Way ahead of you, Lois."

And then Superman escaped the people who were trying to help him so he could interact with The Teen Titans for some reason. I think that reason was that Scott Lobdell just can't let go. I wonder if he thinks he wrote the best run of Teen Titans ever as opposed to the worst run?

Now Superman is on the loose in a story Greg Pak titled "Nightmare".

And Doomed devolves into the kind of Superman story I can't stand. Superman versus the government.

Lois Lane goes on to warn people that Superman is not acting like himself, so if they see him on the streets, "do not engage." It's a good thing she put out that warning our else you might have a lot of do-gooders engaging in fisticuffs with the Man of Steel thinking they can subdue him and become national heroes.

Superman knows he's becoming a danger to everybody but he still remains on Earth because fuck humanity. Why don't they leave?! If I were Superman, I'd go sit in the heart of a yellow sun and see if I couldn't boost my immune system and defeat the Doomsday Virus inside of me. Or maybe the Doomsday Virus acts like an auto-immune disorder which is why Superman is getting so bumpy and scaly? Maybe he needs to take some super prednisone?

I was already thoroughly confused as to how Superman's secret Clark Kent identity hasn't been exposed due to his dating Wonder Woman and Clark dating Diana Prince and Wonder Woman not having a secret identity before Wonder Woman begins talking to Lana Lang while trying to reach Clark Kent. Clark set up some weird emergency phone system so that if he's ever in trouble, Wonder Woman and Lana Lang would reach each other. For some reason. Because it's more important that Wonder Woman work with Lana Lang than Batman? Anyway, that isn't the part of the secret identity confusion that concerns me. Obviously these two women both know his secret, so they can talk freely about it. What concerns me is when Wonder Woman calls Clark's emergency number and a female voice on the other end answers and asks "Who is it?", Wonder Woman answers "Wonder Woman." What if it were Lois Lane on the other end? Or Cat Grant? Then Wonder Woman would have to think up an excuse as to why she's calling Clark Kent! I guess she can pretend to be one of his sources. Or she could just pretend she's cheating on Superman with Clark. Although how about just exhibiting a little more caution, Diana. Do you need to take Batman's Paranoia, Secret Identities, and Sexual Harassment in the Workplace Seminar again?

Well I'm a plumber and I took some readings too! They're farting into space as well!

The panel underneath the panel I scanned above is a shot of Wonder Woman leaping from the roof of the building. I didn't actually take any proper measurements but I'm fairly certain that 83% of Wonder Woman in that picture is bosom.

Steel suggests Superman retreat to the moon for a bit while they work on a cure. Superman's excuse for not going to the moon is that he won't abandon the comatose people of Smallville. No, of course not. You'd rather kill the entire world instead. Makes sense.

Yeah, I know his mind is fucked up from the Doomsday Virus. But that's still a sorry fucking excuse to stay. I'm sure he could have come up with a better reason like "Fuck you, Steel!" or "...!" That second quote is Superman just killing Steel quietly and burying him in an unmarked grave in the desert.

Steel's attempt to convince Superman that the moon is lovely this time of year is interrupted by an attack of the Anti-Superman Army! I guess it's just composed of Atomic Skull and Metallo. Lois is kind of part of the team as well since she's acting as Braniac's second.

Is that a popular pastime? Bottling dead fetuses?

Atomic Skull blows himself up and somehow Steel survives. Metallo blows his own ship up when Superman boards it and it explodes like a Kryptonite nuclear blast (because the ship was full of kryptonite powder) and somehow Steel survives. Superman also survives but not very well. The Kryptonite invaded his body and weakened Superman so that the Doomsday DNA could completely take over.

Clark's not here, Mrs. Torrance.

Action Comics #32 Rating: No change. Once again, the government of the United States decides that violence is the best answer to a problem! And guess what? They were wrong! Again! I think governments (as well as a lot of assholes in everybody's daily life) believe that fucking up and following it with the phrase "At least I tried something" is an acceptable way to go through life. Fuck thinking things through before acting. Fuck trying to work with other people or compromise. If there is a problem and you can do something violent to exacerbate that problem, do the violent thing! Hell, even if the violent thing doesn't cause more trouble and actually does solve the problem, I'm still against it. Violence is really just a way of changing the subject. And that's why governments (and many people) want the best weapons they can find. Because when they change the subject, they don't want the opposition to have as good an argument at the ready as they have. And of course some people don't know any other subjects but violence. You probably should avoid having disagreements with those kinds of people. Let them miss out on everything good in life while they rage and rant at everything they encounter. Meanwhile, I'll be over in the corner with this string and these kittens.