Batwoman #32

Batwoman vs. Vampirebatwoman! Fight to the...orgasm?!

This issue begins in faux media res which means it starts off with one strike against it. It is the opinion of any intelligent comic book reader (a rare creature indeed!) that comic books should begin somewhere (anywhere!) and continue from there. Perhaps a few flashbacks or reminiscences along the way but the story should continue along from the point of page one. Instead, comic books like to show a hero getting their ass handed to them on page one and then begin the actual story on page two until the plot catches up to that first page which the comic book then, generally, repeats. I suppose a writer might defend himself with some kind of bullshit about exploded narratives or non-sequential, non-linear story telling. But as I noted so eloquently when I called it bullshit, that's bullshit. Because once the story really begins on page two, it just begins a linear, sequential, unexploded life until the final page. And if that's the case, I've got a novel idea! Just begin with page two! Let the cover be the exciting lure to get the reader into the story. You don't need an action packed page one to get the reader interested.

I know what you're thinking! How often have you picked up a comic book and were faced with dialogue on the first page? What a bummer, right?! Where's the action? Will this comic book even have any? Is it going to be all talking and fat Claremont sized Narration boxes?! How many times have you put down a comic book because you were already bored by page one simply because no knuckles were busting chops? I can answer only for myself: I have no boxes full of comic books I've never read simply because they didn't engage the primal, violent part of my brain on page one! Although I do have shelves packed with independent comic books that are full of great characters and nearly no violence at all!

Oh shit! Don't stop reading! Look! Violence! Dammit. I should have begun with this image!

Just think how much better Moby Dick would have been if it began with the encounter with the great white whale! Ahab would be all, "Smile you son of a bitch!" and then the book would continue, "Thirty six hours earlier. Call me Ishmael."

The issue truly begins at a children's charity carnival where Kate Kane runs into Sophie, an old fuckbuddy from her days at West Point. It seems Sophie's going to be working in Gotham so that she can come in between Maggie and Kate! It's not like that little fucking prick Jaime isn't already ruining things. I wish she'd just get hit by a train already.

Sophie just happens to be dating the daughter of the dead husband of Nocturna, so that's probably how she and Batwoman will wind up kissing and doing other lesbian activities like holding hands and scrapbooking. Since Kate is already feeling like Maggie is pushing her away, she's ripe for a little non-fiancée poontang.

Nine pages in and no action?! Good thing that first page satisfied my bloodlust. Otherwise I'd have to make due with a trip to the carnival and a visit to the psychiatrist and a half-naked man training. My attention is beginning to wander!

Oh wait! My attention is back! Although now I have to go repress myself.

Nocturna heads out to steal some grail for her to drink her morning blood out of. And by a crazy coincidence, Batwoman is out on patrol looking to beat the living crap out of something! Or unliving crap, if the only creatures she can find are vampires.

Batwoman tries to stop Nocturna but then page one happens and Batwoman is knocked out cold. But Batwoman shouldn't worry too much that she failed since Sophie's girlfriend called in the Pest Control to take care of Nocturna. Unless it's somebody else she wants killed with a similar name since Natalia Matternacht isn't Nocturna's name at all! Well, it's damn close. I guess I can forgive her for getting it wrong. Although when you want somebody assassinated, I think the name is kind of important. Anyway, this is her friend from Pest Control:

I find the name derivative and uninspired. My guess is he doesn't last two issues.

Batwoman #32 Rating: No change. Even with the loss of one of the greatest creative teams in the history of people teaming up with other people, I'm still thoroughly enjoying this comic book. I like the way it handles the beats. You know what I mean by the beats? It's like how Kate Kane is all enjoying a day at the carnival and then suddenly she's shitting herself that Maggie doesn't love her anymore and then she's on patrol looking to fuckfight somebody. And still we get a bit of insight into some other characters as well. Although I wish I'd never met Killshot. That guy's had nearly no panel time and I already think he's a major fucktwat. I think "fucktwat" is the South London equivalent of "douchebag." I also could be wrong since I don't know anything about South London.