In this issue, Vicki Vale plagiarizes Lois Lane and wins a Goofy or whatever the fuck an award in journalism is called. An Inconsequential? A Dead Media? A Who the Fuck Cares Anymore?
I know what I'm talking about when I talk about dead media! I'm typing out words, aren't I? I'm rolling around in the stink of death simply by blogging. The age of the written word is dead! Nowadays it's all about rambling incoherently in front of a webcam or a microphone to later edit down the rambling into somewhat coherent rambling featuring all the best bits of near non-nonsense. Also, you need two or more people because it's easier to dialogue than to monologue. No matter how much a person pimps reading over viewing, that person is lying by how much they pimp reading over viewing. Reading on a phone is much harder than listening to a podcast or watching a vlog on a phone. Also, multitasking is impossible while reading. Actually, multitasking is impossible while doing anything but nobody is going to believe that because everybody is a narcissistic asshole that believes the busier they are, the more interesting they are. What multitasking actually does is make somebody do barely competent work on two things. Just try to remember a conversation you had with somebody while you were busy doing some other thing. Can't do it. But if you can, then you won't remember whatever the fuck you were doing while talking. You can multitask if one of the two tasks you've been doing so long you can now do by rote. But if you're reading and doing something else, it's like you never even read what you read. Sure, you can tell people you've now read War and Peace. But you'll never be able to discuss it coherently.
I think I was multitasking while writing that last paragraph because it seemed to have wandered away from whatever fucking point I was trying to make. On the plus side, I had a really shitty conversation with somebody I can't remember about something really important to them. Good times!
Oh! I remember what I was saying (I suppose I could have reread what I wrote to figure it out but who has time to reread things they've written? What am I? Some kind of self-congratulatory egomaniac?)! Writing is dead! So why do I keep doing it? I'll tell you why! Because I'm not dead and I need to fill these endless hours of ennui with some kind of fucking activity!
Currently in Batman Eternal (while you're reading this, pretend an androgynous figure with a perky haircut and slightly off-kilter cuteness is speaking it with their face jammed right up near the lens while lots of old horror movie posters and science fiction books and old action figures (uncarded!) fill up the shelves in the background), Batman Eternal (is that his new name? I guess so! It's on the cover!) is giving Falcone serious gas.
Those are some sharp fucking sideburns!
But Batman's just pushing rope all over Gotham. When Batman busts Falcone's men and ties them up for the police, the police merely let them go because the new Commissioner Forbes won't be a party to vigilantism. Also Falcone is paying Forbes good money to do whatever Falcone wants and Batman isn't paying Forbes any money at all. What Batman needs to do is steal everything that Falcone's men are stealing and stick it in a Batvault. Take as much of the local economy out of the economy and keep it for himself until Falcone falls. Don't let Falcone get a whiff of currency. Bruce can have Alfred tag it all and keep a database detailing what belongs to whom so that it can all be returned once things are back to normal, minus a percentage fee for safe keeping, of course. He should also be taking fingers! Batman has no problem severely maiming people, right? He should be cutting off a finger from every criminal he catches! Secret Origins said he wants to shock his enemies! I think wearing a necklace of fingers would be pretty shocking!
Bullock should at least pay some kids to throw bricks at them.
Falcone's men might not be in danger of being arrested but Falcone is still upset that his men are being hampered by The Batman. So he's setting a plan in motion that will teach Batman that Gotham is no longer his sexual partner. Gotham belongs to Falcone now. Except Batman has already had multiple people try to teach him this lesson. Bane. The Court of Owls. The Riddler. The Red Hood. The Penguin. Talia al Ghul. What makes Falcone think he's going to be any better at teaching The Batman? Batman's test scores in the subject of Gotham City Doesn't Belong to Batman are horrendous. Although will this lesson be the lesson where Batman is tied to the Bat Signal and Batman Eternal begins? No, that lesson began with "The End" and I don't think this weekly shit is anywhere near ending.
Falcone and Forbe's plan to stop Batman is to turn on the Batsignal and wait for him to appear on the roof.
After which all of the police will unload their shotguns, killing all of the other police unloading their shotguns across from them.
Jason Bard blows the capture on purpose by having one unit fire smoke grenades. Not only does it help Batman escape, it probably saves a bunch of lives before the police panic and begin accidentally killing each other. At least Batman learned he has a new friend on the force. Later, Batman decides to go on vacation in Hong Kong for a bit. But that's where Catwoman is vacationing! I thought they had decided to take separate vacations ever since Batman revealed that he's emotionally unavailable and only ever wants to see Catwoman when she's not robbing things and horny.
Batman Eternal #8 Rating: No change. This is probably the part of the "review" where I "review" the actual comic book. But I keep trying to remind everybody that this isn't a review site! This is where I read comic books and make fun of them as much as I can! If I was actually reviewing these things, I might offer one or two of them a reach around once in awhile while trying to convince them how special they are. Oh wait! I just thought of some things that Batman Eternal would probably love to hear while I am servicing it from the rear with my Bane Strap-on: "Welcome to Gotham. It's going to be a wild ride!" and (just a second as I hit the venom release button...AAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHH HERE I COME!) "Promises to redefine Gotham City as we know it." and "Has the potential to go down as one of The New 52's best ventures." I totally didn't plagiarize those from Lois Lane!
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