Futures End #5

Want to play a game? How about a game of thermonuclear break-up?

This issue begins with Mister Terrific pitching his T-Balls to the public but rebranding them uSpheres and making them different somehow. I don't care how because I find Mister Terrific incredibly obnoxious. I also find all the people salivating for his newest technology pathetic. He doesn't even explain what the uSpheres do! Unless I'm supposed to take him at his word and truly believe they're backup files for a person's brain. Which is just stupid. I don't want people using what's in my head for their own purposes if I ever get hit by a car! And I don't want my brain downloaded into some other creature to act like me when I'm dead! When my light winks out, I'm outta here! Who wants to be reminded that I died every time you're insulted by something that thinks it's me?! These uSpheres sound awful.

Mister Terrific didn't even need a new product. His fans are so rabid that they would stand before the stage, mouths agape like baby birds while Mister Terrific jerked himself off onto the spectators. Have some iSperm, you zombies! I mean uSperm! I didn't mean to slip out of the allegory!

A super annoying hero!

Grifter has found himself paralyzed and held captive by King Faraday of I-Spy fame. Unless nobody fucking remembers I-Spy. I sure as hell don't! But he's in my Who's Who and that's what it says his code name was! It also says his first appearance was in Danger Trail #1 which sounds awfully exciting! It also says that King Faraday "is an Olympic-level athlete and highly skilled hand-to-hand combatant" and that he's "expert with all forms of firearms and countless other weapons." Countless other weapons! So like the list of pole-arms in Dungeons and Dragons?

Meanwhile on Cadmus Island, a woman named Fury-Squar-rrk is trying to escape. She kills two different OMAC creatures and then gets eye-blasted by a little girl in a dandelion shirt. This is the same little girl with which King Faraday seems to have partnered a paralyzed Grifter. I don't know if she's a new version of Superboy or if she's just another Cadmus Genomorph. She's dressed a bit like Punky Brewster. But since this comic book is weekly, it can answer questions next week. For now, it's time to catch up with Jasonstorm and Ronniestorm.

After weeks of living inside Ronnie Raymond's filthy little skull, Jason Rusch is set free when Ronnie shuts down Firestorm.

No! Not Ronnie's Mom! But I found her dog dick dinners and her intolerance adorable!

Ronnie runs home crying while Jason begins letting people know he isn't dead in a ditch. The first person he talks to is a professor building a teleporter. He mentions how the Justice League have that technology but keep it from the rest of the world. If that's true, they're huge dicks. I always just assumed they got the tech from one of America's not-so-secret black ops groups and it was the United States government that was hoarding the technology. Although I can see Batman not giving away technology secrets. He's a fucking businessman!

Meanwhile in Kansas, John Constantine makes some new friends.

I hope by "Tommy" she means Tommy Monaghan. I know it appeared his entire Preboot comic run had actually already taken place according to that scene in Batman and Two-Face but since this is a weird, probably alternate future, I can dream, right?

The Tommy guy has way more facial hair and bulk than the old Hitman had but he's wearing dark glasses in the dark, so it could be him! In this alternate reality, he may have eaten all of the meals that Amanda Waller seems to have avoided. He actually looks more like Vandal Savage than Hitman but when did Vandal every go by "Tommy"?! The woman's name is Midge and I don't know her. But then I'm not caught up on the last eight years of Hellblazer. And I've pretty much forgotten the years before that! Also maybe she's new!

Constantine was pulled to Kansas by Midge and Tommy to investigate some crop circles. He realizes they're ancient killing fields. He may or may not realize they're in the shape of Firestorm's chest design. Unless they're in the shape of Daemonite landing rockets. I can't answer those questions this week because there will be more comic book next week! I bet none of the questions get answered then either!

Futures End #5 Rating: No change. Still no way to tell if Futures End is good or bad or boring or exciting. It still just feels like it's launching from the dock and it's not quite out past the buoys where it can really start humming along. That's some kind of ship metaphor! But I don't know anything about ships or metaphors, so you can probably ignore it.