Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Green Arrow #32

Who is Ken and why is he Green Arrow's bro?

What is it about Green Arrow that appeals to uninteresting people that bore me with their reasons for why Green Arrow appeals to them? Oh shut up already! I'm already bored with the subject and nobody has even begun to tell me what makes Green Arrow their favorite character. My favorite part about Green Arrow (and I'm not going to say his Boxing Glove Arrow even though, really, that's the best thing about him) is how he was one half of the earliest political talking heads show in the entertainment industry. I was only interested in Green Arrow when he was telling Hawkman how much of a fascist bully boy he was.

Speaking of the term "fascist bully boy," I'm fairly certain I stole it from Rik Mayall who died yesterday. I'm an emotionless twat that is only ever touched by amazing science, animals, and spectacularly well written fiction like The Grapes of Wrath and Matt Damon's poetry, so it might be surprising that I was really fucking sad yesterday. I don't give a shit about celebrities for the most part but Rik's character Rik on "The Young Ones" was one of my favorite people in the short list of people that are my favorites. He and Ade Edmondson's Vyvyan were oft-quoted throughout my ninth grade year. That was one of the many years in which my love life did not take off for some reason. I think it's because I'd approach somebody I had a crush on and mutter, "This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence." "The Young Ones" were the punk rock version of Monty Python's Flying Circus and I still pull out my DVD collection from time to time and sit through all the episodes. I know what I'm truly mourning is my lost youth (and my friend Philip Newby who introduced me to the show) but I'm glad Rik was a part of those years.

Now that I'm thinking about The Young Ones, I have a feeling I'm going to be bitterly disappointed in Green Arrow this month. Even if it is written by the legend in his own eyes, Jeff Lemire.

Currently in Green Arrow's universe, Seattle has been under siege for two weeks by unrepentant criminals and obnoxious post-grunge music fanatics.

The city is falling apart and the greatest mystery is where is the guy that runs around shooting arrows? Call me skeptical.

It looks like Seattle has the most incompetent police force in the entire DC Universe if it needs an archer to save it from descending into violence and lawlessness. Even Ollie is surprised at how angry Naomi is that he abandoned the city to go run some errands. Are you kidding, Naomi? Seattle couldn't behave itself for a few weeks without Green Arrow maintaining order with his Boxing Glove Arrow? What an embarrassment.

Before Green Arrow can sarcastically apologize for leaving because he thought a city might be able to run itself while he was away for a bit, Red Dart blows her way into the safe house. Dick Dragon has put a thirty million dollar bounty on Green Arrow's head. Really? Thirty million? You don't think that's a bit excessive, Dick? Even comparing it with Robin's bounty set at 500 million over in Batman Incorporated way back when, I think 30 million is too much. And didn't somebody put a bounty on Batman's head during The New 52 that was even less than this? That might make sense though since most of the people that want to kill Batman are batshit insane and don't really need a monetary incentive.

Before I shit myself from the exciting battle between an archer and a dart thrower, the scene shifts to Dick Dragon and Cunt Vertigo arguing over what to do with Diggle Berry.

Umm, Diggle? That's two things.

Money and power aren't the reasons Dick Dragon is after Green Arrow at all. This is really all about dealing with Dick's Father Issues which should come as no surprise to anybody that has read my comprehensive psychological analysis of DC's New 52. Apparently Ollie and Diggle humiliated Dick's father in front of little Dick many years ago and Dick Dragon has never gotten over it. He had built up his father as the greatest, strongest man that had ever lived and then a liberal douche with a bow and arrow came by and spanked him hard. But now that Dick Dragon is all grown up, it's time for him to do the spanking!

Show me an ambitious man and I'll show you a person that desperately craved their father's love and attention and never got it. Men who never got love and attention from their mother and never got it don't wind up ambitious. They wind up in rehab for sex addiction. For women, just flip the scenarios. And that's as long as any psych textbook ever needs to be!

People's motivations don't invariably have to revolve around their relationship with their parents. The main psychological problems people have come from the schism between the way they believe the world should be and how the world actually is. Trying to bend the world to your will and your believed perceptions is how people cope with reality instead of simply dealing with the reality presented before them. And since our formative years are spent dealing with our parents and being disappointed by them more and more every year as we become more and more individualistic, it's usually the relationship with our parents that causes most of our adult problems. The other main problem that affects our emotional stability as adults is that time when you had that kitten and it died really young and you spent three days straight crying your fucking eyes out and vowed never to love anything ever again. We've all had that problem, right? That one was the worst.

Back to the fight with Dart, Oliver is getting his ass handed to him. He's shocked and exploded and blinded which makes it the perfect moment for Red Dart to retreat. Wait, what? For thirty million dollars, I don't think I'd play fast and loose with Green Arrow, no matter how stupid his super hero gimmick is. For God's sake, Red Dart, your gimmick is even dumber! You've stunned him and blinded him, it's time to go in for the kill! Double damage! Critical hit! He can't fucking defend himself! But no! Red Dart decides to flee the scene so that her partners Brick and Killer Moth can get a shot at him. And even though Green Arrow is getting the shit kicked out of him, he still feels it's an appropriate time to point out how these three are "D-listers." You know what you probably shouldn't do, Green Arrow, when you're getting beat by somebody? Mention how much they suck. Because you now suck worse than they suck since they defeated you. Idiot.

The Injustice League?

Back to Dick and Diggle for a moment! You'd think because Diggle is the one tied to the chair and being punched in the face, he's be the one spilling beans all over the place. But instead, Dick Dragon tells Diggle his entire history because he's the Evil Mr. Smartypants and he doesn't know any other way. He has to brag about how he watched his father humiliated by a guy with a bow and arrow after which he vowed never to be soft again! So he traveled the world until he found the League of Assassins where he trained until he earned the title Master of Kung Fu! Or, at the very least (and more accurate), Kung Fu Fighter!

After forcing all of that information from Dick Dragon, Diggle tries one last desperate tactic to save Green Arrow's life!

I suppose since Andrea Sorrentino and Marcelo Maiolo are doing the art and colors for the flashback, it was hard for little Dick Dragon to tell that Green Arrow was a black man back then.

And then back on the rooftops of Seattle, Green Arrow's life is saved by Emiko who has come to visit much sooner than I expected. I thought she'd remain with Shado for at least four or five months. I suppose Shado wasn't doing enough killing for Emiko's tastes. When Emiko appears, Green Arrow shouts out her name and then she refers to him as "big brother." Luckily for Oliver Queen, his family history is a mess of a very high temperature and it'll take more than three D-Listers to figure out his secret identity from these clues. Shit, if it took the reveal of Nightwing's secret identity for Lex Luthor to figure out that Batman was Bruce Wayne, this Emiko and big brother shit are like clues from an Umberto Eco novel.

Green Arrow #32 Rating: +2 Ranking. Oh shut up! Don't judge me for enjoying a Green Arrow story just because I can't fucking stand Green Arrow! I don't live by the seat of my bias! Well, sometimes I don't! And other times, the comic book is written by Scott Lobdell.

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