Superman #32

I'm not a huge fan of John Romita Jr's art but I'm sure glad he's an artist and not a writer because the interview with him in the back of all the comics this week makes him sound like a dope.

Notice in the caption above that I didn't say John Romita Jr was a dope! I said that the All Access article made him sound like a dope. And anybody stupid enough to read any of the All Access articles in the back of every issue knows that they are the worst written and edited articles in the history of the world. In fact, they have so many bracketed words and phrases within Romita's replies that it's possible they made up a bunch of his answers for him! Now that I've properly defended myself so nobody thinks I'm unduly picking on John Romita Jr, I'd like to point out that this cover is insipid and uninspired. That's including the back cover which, I guess, I should include as well.

So Superman tears open his shirt and his normal clothes bubble away into nothing?

I'm such an asshole. Here I am finally facing a Superman book with no Scott Lobell and I'm whining about Romita's cover. I should be celebrating! I just don't know how to be happy. I suppose that's why I've read Samuel Beckett's Murphy so many times.

What I should be bitching about is how Geoff Johns is probably going to ignore any Reboot History of Superman established by all the previous writers in his attempt to write the newest, most definingest story about Superman that's every been written!

First things first! A parable about Superman to introduce a character whose roots are nearly identical to Superman's. Fifty bucks there's a baby in that bag!

When a writer wants to show how noble a character has become due to the choices they made in their life regardless of the traumatic events they suffered as a child, the writer sometimes creates a character with a nearly identical background but made poor choices and took the easy way and became a great big prick. You know, like Wrath and Batman. This baby from Dimension One (which is probably our Dimension 463) will now parallel Clark's life as he grows older. Although it is possible the child will be found by shitty parents. Or maybe this child will be found by the military instead of some local farmers. The possibilities are limitless! Except for the possibility to make this baby like Wraith because that story has already been half told and abandoned.

Why is it that Superman and Batman's morally opposite doppelgangers' names are so similar? Wraith and Wrath?

I realized I was really getting ahead of myself there and figured I'd better make sure a baby was in that satchel! It could have been Streaky! Fuck. Now I wish it had been Streaky!

Here's one more guess I was going to make and then failed to do it until I read that Chapter One was called "Ulysses." I was going to guess the name of the baby would be Ulysses! Of course, that was probably already published in the sneak peek that was in the back of all the comics last month, so it wouldn't have been that great of a guess anyway, even though I never read the sneak peeks. Although I couldn't help but notice Superman punching a huge cybernetic ape, so I know I've just entered the Sneak Peek pages!

Superman's Pal, Jimmy Olsen, is on hand to photograph Superman's defeat of Titano and maybe win a Putzlitzer! But when he develops the film (or looks at the digitized picture because analog pictures are for third rate free papers that rely solely on ad sales), it's just a blur of red and blue and an overexposed mess.

Why would a robot monkey have bad breath? Authenticity? Also, why breath?!

For anyone paying close attention, here is the point where you should be calling me a stupid asshole since I obviously called the ape "cybernetic" earlier and now I'm calling it a robot so that I can pick apart the statement about its bad breath. If you weren't paying attention, shame on you and your future children.

I don't know how many pages in the conversation between Perry and Jimmy takes place because I'm too lazy to flip a few pages and count, but it's at that point where I begin to have growing confidence in Superman and his retinue finally getting some justice done to them and their stories. In just a few panels, Geoff Johns turns Lobdell's story about Jimmy Olsen receiving millions of dollars from his missing parents into something that makes sense for the character. Jimmy may have been left the money but it was entirely on accident and he'll probably need to repay his parents when they suddenly reappear. It's also pointed out that they "disappeared" due to allegations against them. As Perry White notes, Jimmy's parents are dicks.

I know Lobdell gave Olsen lots of money then recanted and said Olsen's parents will be back and he's just been given power of attorney over the money until then, but none of it was explained in such a nonsense free way as these few panels. If it was, I may have missed it because my head was in the Lobdell Bucket I keep near my chair to catch the vomit which frequently forces its way out of my system when I read his scripts.

I wonder if Clark Kent will also get his job back! The final panel of this page has a character off-panel saying, "Mr. White?" I hope it's Clark come to get his job back. He's probably sick of showing Cat Grant how to turn her computer on.

It is Clark but he didn't come back for his job. He came back because Perry White wants to give him back his job. But Clark is going to have to think about whether or not he wants to be around Lois Lane every day knowing she's with that punk Jon Carroll. Maybe Carroll will die before the end of this issue! Clark would rush back to the job then! But not too fast! He doesn't want to look desperate. Or blow his secret identity.

That's because Ma didn't use heat vision.

Later that same night, a huge ship attacks Metropolis. The citizens of Metropolis must be sick to death of aliens and robot monkeys. They should do a citizen exchange with the people of Gotham who are sick of Joker Gas and Man-Bat attacks. Some citizen of Metropolis is probably dreaming about getting hit with a weaponized umbrella right now as his entire apartment block is getting lasered out of existence.

Some new alien robot thing comes out of the ship and hurts Superman because that's what John Romita Jr said he learned about Superman in his All Access interview: Superman has to lose. It's the only way to make him human! So essentially, Superman is the most powerful being in the universe except once a month when some other being that is more powerful attacks Earth. You know Johns, there are other ways to make Superman seem vulnerable!

Superman doesn't have to worry though because he's saved by a twenty five year old guy with super powers. I wonder who it could be?! Good thing he's about to tell me!

Aha! He's actually Earth's version of Superman! I guess his parents really did live in Dimension One, the most important dimension!

Superman #32 Rating: +4 Ranking. I know I bitch and whine and act above every creator's efforts at creation but I really enjoyed Superman for the first time in thirty two issues! Oh sure, I enjoyed his shenanigans in some of the other titles he's appeared in. But I think this is the first issue of his self-titled comic book where I enjoyed the story. I like where it's headed. Perez's first issue had some good points but that whole story just devolved into complete nonsense rather quickly (due to editorial, I hear). The only problem with this one is we've gotten yet another Superman wannabe. That's okay, I suppose. Perry White said Clark needs somebody he can talk to and now maybe Clark has found his better half!