Detective Comics #32

How many giant squids/octopuses has Batman fought in his career?

DC should begin a second monthly title called "Shitty Detective Comics" and it should star Harvey Bullock. Although now that I've thought about it for more than the two seconds it took to type the sentence with the idea in it, "Shitty Detective Comics" was already a thing. It was called "Inspector Gadget."

Currently in Gotham City, Harvey Bullock is trying to figure out where all of the Icarus is coming from and he suspects Bruce Wayne might be behind it all. Meanwhile, Batman is busy trying to find out where the Icarus is really coming from. Knowing that the case means so much to Harvey since Harvey's partner died five years ago trying to keep the shit off the street, Batman will probably give Harvey the credit for solving this case once Batman figures it all out. Batman doesn't build his reputation on solving crimes (even if he is known as The World's Greatest Detective!). No, Batman's rep is more about how many life altering injuries he can divvy up to the criminals of Gotham City.

Don't check the manifest and make a conclusion based on what you find! Check the manifest and come up with something that agrees with your crap theory! This is what the police call instinct. Jumping to a conclusion and then refusing to let it go in the face of any and all evidence.

Harvey must get tired of Batman solving all of the crimes before Harvey even realizes a crime has been committed. That's why Batman's going to give this one to Harvey! And not in a way that Harvey knows he was given one. Harvey is going to feel like a true hero when this story is over. And he'll probably show off the medal he earns to his partner's grave. Or just get drunk and vomit on his partner's headstone.

While Batman is trying to convince Elena's daughter that Gotham is worth saving or that it's better off since Batman became its guardian or that her mother's life had meaning or that anything is better than sticking drugs in your veins even though it all really just amounts to the same thing, Harvey Bullock changes his cats' litter while listening to phone messages.

And in one two page spread, Manallato makes me feel more for Harvey Bullock than I've ever felt before. He loves his cats, wears a beige trench coat, and ignores calls from his mother? I do those things!

Although I don't wear a fedora and the trench coat is more of an accidental fashion accessory that I wound up enjoying. I purchased the beige trench coat at a used clothing shop for less than twenty dollars for a Philip K. Dick costume. It was for a New Year's Eve costume party themed around San Francisco and I figured Dick was from Berkeley and that's practically The City anyway. Turns out I liked the coat better than my other jackets. Also turned out the coat was Burberry and allowed me to identify people that were really into name brands. Some people looked at the coat and thought I looked like a homeless person (that was part of the PKD look!) while others looked at the plaid lining and came in their pants. The other main part of my costume was a small book I passed out that was co-authored by Philip K. Dick and Grunion Guy. I'll reprint that now because I'm completely trying to ignore the fact that one of Harvey Bullock's cats, Sprinkles, has cancer!

The Guy Who Was Crazy But Ends Up Being The Only Guy Who Really Knows What Is Going On
By Philip K. Dick and Grunion Guy

It was the future. Not so far in the future as to have no relationship with today but not far enough in the future that when we actually get there any of the stuff in the story will actually be happening. And in the future, there was this guy. Actually, there were a lot of guys. And a lot of girls too! But not a lot of animals! But this guy is the main guy of the story. His name (he thinks!) is Jones.

Jones was at home making waffles. He was living an ordinary life full of long stretches of boredom and long stretches of no excitement. He thought weekends should be, like, five days instead of two. As he was making his waffles in his Micro-Microwave, it spoke to him!

"Hello Jones. You think your life is boring, don't you? But it really isn't!" bemused the Micro-Microwave.

"Hey! Microwaves can't talk! I must be crazy!" Jones asserted to his kitchen appliance.

"Ah! But it is the future, remember? And thus, perhaps kitchen appliances can talk. Except for maybe the blender."

"Oh! So I am not crazy at all! That is a relief," admired Jones.

"No, but you are not Jones either! You are really named Timothy! And you are the supreme ruler of the universe who has forgotten who he really is in order to save the universe from total destruction by enemies of the universe who would have him killed and thus ending the universe itself!" extrapolated the Micro-Microwave.

"Oh ho! I knew I was more important than I really seemed at first!" congratulated Smith. I mean, Timothy. "But how would you, a waffle toasting kitchen appliance, know that?"

"It is because you programmed me to one day let you know at the exact moment it would cause the most action and thrillingness. I am telling you now because the killer fascists are about to knock on your door!"

"Kabaaaam!" screamed the door as it was knocked down.

"Oops! I meant, knock down your door," apologated the Micro-Microwave as Timothy jumped out the window onto his waiting Hovercar for a really dramatic chase scene that should last about twenty minutes when the movie is made. Plus, the car was programmed to take him to a specific location where a bunch of rebels waited.

"Ah-ha! The day is here, my fellow rebels!" spattered the leader rebel as Timothy approached.

"Who are you? My universal royal army?" qwertyied Timothy.

"What? Do you not yet know? You're real name is Smith and you are the evil person who wants the universe destroyed! You are really the good guy of the story and the universe is the bad guy trying to keep you down!"

"Well then, let us wage a war to end all wars and regain all of our freedom!" decryed Smith, the rebel leader!

"Actually, we can't follow you. You're really a replication named Harrison. Sorry!"

"Bummer," chirped Harrison and pouted.

THE END! (Until the sequel)

I bet Harvey Bullock writes great stories like that too! He's my new favorite character in all of the DC Universe!

Bullock follows the shipping manifest lead to a vice president in Wayne Industries. Maybe Bullock's instincts are better than I've been giving him credit for! Maybe Bruce Wayne is behind all of the Icarus! That's sure going to surprise Batman!

Batman is also busy following leads.

Gotham is so weird that I'm now wondering if the giant squid is just a creature to help trap trespassers or the giant squid is actually The Squid and the deformed brains of the operation! Octosquidarae are a really smart order or genus or family of creatures, after all!

The Squid's name is Gertrude so no way is it the leader of this outfit. Nobody by the name of Gertrude has ever become famous in any way at all! Unless you count the Gertrude that Hemingway wanted to be as manly as. She was pretty famous.

Batman defeats Gertrude by blowing the bottom out of the tank and sending her back to sea. This also causes The Squid and his gang to fall out into the shallows just as The Kings of the Sun pull up and declare that it's time for a Mexican Standoff. I mean, a standoff right after the Kings shoot Lawrence (who I think is The Squid? I think?) in the stomach. Also, Batman finds himself in the middle of the Mexican Standoff filling his suit with guano.

Detective Comics #32 Rating: +2 Ranking. Manallato really know how to draw and write a compelling story that compels me to keep feeling compelled. And is there any better art out there? Okay, maybe. But there's no better art that I'm looking at while I'm looking at Manallato art! You can't argue with that logic.

One final thing! I was avoiding reading the DC Comics All Access page not because it's usually horrible but because it was about Infinity Man and the Forever People which I hadn't read yet. Then I read that and forgot about the All Access page. Now I remembered it and I just read the first sentence and my mind is reeling. "For the first time since The New 52 began, the New Gods have played substantial roles in the evolution of The New 52." Does that make any kind of sense at all? Am I losing my mind? DC should stop authorizing any access to this page until they can find somebody other than the Office Monkey they have currently writing it. I bet the Office Monkey's name is Beppo! "Who's a cute monkey? Who wants a banana? Finish your All Access page first! Go on! Type up some nonsense! That's a good monkey!"