Justice League Dark #31

If Constantine were on this cover, it would segue nicely into my rant about Vapers with which I'm going to begin this commentary.

I saw a Vaper take a hit of his Cigarette Computer just before he walked into a vintage shop on Hawthorne today. Fuck you, asshole. Just because there aren't any laws against Vaping anywhere, it doesn't mean you should still be a righteous dick about blowing your vapor in everyone's faces. You know why cigarettes were outlawed from public places? It's not because second hand smoke is harmful. Sure, that's probably the only reason the law was as easy as it was to put into place. No, the real reason everybody needed it to be illegal for assholes to smoke in movie theaters and airplanes and restaurants is because the fucking asshole smokers were never going to realize that they were being complete and utter dicks by filling every fucking locale with their disgusting smoke. And now the Vapers suddenly think, "Shit. This shit ain't illegal and it ain't harmful, so what the fuck is the problem? I can Vape this righteous Bubble Gum Flavored Water Vapor anywhere I want!" Fuck you. You're being a dick. Nobody wants to suck down water vapor that you just hacked up out of your disgusting lungs. Learn about consideration, you assholes. I may have to change my diet so that I can fart the nastiest smelling farts at will. Because if I have to suck down your leftover water vapor, I'm going to make sure that you suck down my misty excretions. And I won't be shy about it. My ass will be centimeters from your mouth when I let one go.

How long before a Ray Fawkes writes a story revolving around Constantine's switch to eCigarettes? Probably not long now that I mentioned it!

Currently, Alice Winter, formerly known as The Nightmare Nurse, has appeared in The House of Mystery. It seems she's got some Jason Blood/Etrigan type arrangement with Asa concerning her body. Not a legal arrangement nor a friendly one. It's more of the "that fucking demon keeps stealing my shit" kind of thing.

Also, the Mystery Girl is still in the mirrors.

Zatanna has magic at her disposal so she doesn't see why she needs to believe Alice Winter's story at all. No reason to have a discussion with her or to try to get to the bottom of this situation through civil or normal means. Might as well go right for the magic even though Constantine is constantly pointing out how there is a price to pay every time for utilizing the short cut. I suppose if I could do magic, I wouldn't do anything the normal way! I think I'd practice Synchromancy! That's the art of causing everything you want to happen at the moment you want it to happen to happen at that moment. Like right now, I really want Indian Food. So suddenly there would be a knock at my door at three in the morning and it would be a guy delivering Indian Food. I'd say, "But I didn't order any Indian Food?" And he'd say, "Oh, it's already paid for and supposed to be delivered to this address! I'm also supposed to eat out your asshole as you enjoy the food." And then I'd say, "That's why I answered the door naked!" Synchromancy!

Inside Alice Winter's mind, Zatanna discovers a memory from eighty years ago where Alice was sick and an old woman named Asa was tending to her. So you know, she discovers some stuff that she could have figured out just by making some tea and asking Alice a few simple questions. Ugh, that sounds like work! I'd do the magic as well.

I guess Alice was the girl in the mirror previously because now Asa is in the mirror and she's watching Constantine fuck three women at once. How many penises does he have? I never find out because Asa pulls him into the mirror to explain her current problem.

Shocker! Turns out he really can't leave.

A sentient cosmic nothingness attacks John and Asa in the land behind the magic mirror. I think I've met that cosmic nothingness before! I'm pretty sure my sister dated it in high school! No wait. I don't think I could categorize that bit cosmic of nothingness as sentient.

John and Asa return to The House of Mystery so that Asa can get back in her body. Zatanna and Swamp Thing believe Alice Winter is the victim and refuse to allow Asa back in. So will there be a huge magic battle or will a rational dialogue take place? I know which one is easier to write! And, as such, I'm placing my bets on the magic battle!

Once again, not enough time to explain but there will be plenty of time to battle! Fuck you, J.M., and every other writer that keeps pulling this old fucking trope. I need to practice swearing at J.M. DeMatteis since I'm going to read Larfleeze next.

During the battle, Asa tries to reenter Alice. But Zatanna jumps in the way and winds up the living vessel of The Nightmare Nurse instead of Alice. Now the Nurse is going to have to give all of her prescriptions backwards.

Is she casting the spell "ON" or just saying "NO"?

Justice League Dark #31 Rating: No change. For a 22 page comic book, nothing much fucking happens. The cliffhanger ending can pretty much be guessed at by the cover by even the most Amateur Comic Book Readers out there. A slight House of Mystery mystery was dropped in the middle which I ignored because it didn't go anywhere. It just did that comic book thing where somebody says, "I know this!" Then somebody else says, "Yes? Yes?! Explain!" And then the first person goes, "I can't remember!" What a hook! I can't wait to find out what the thing I don't even know is winds up being! This was just one more mediocre DC Comic book that wasn't fun enough to read because it was so awful and it wasn't mind blowing enough to ruin my pants because it was so good. I think I was more bored reading it than I was staring at the wall and digging in my ears.