Monday, June 30, 2014

Justice League Dark #32

At least John gets to keep his cigarette.

Tumblr's random page feature is bullshit. Haven't they heard of Get with the program, Tumblr! I'm sick of using my link to a random page on my site and only getting posts from March 2013! Do I have to wait until 4 PM before I can start randomly getting posts from April?! Your random number generation system is worse than Apple's!

Hey! Did you all know John Constantine is bisexual? Reader Locke wanted to remind everybody since John was sleeping with three women last issue. Actually, reader Locke wanted to remind me since, through experiential evidence from my eyeballs and my brain, I had noticed that he was sleeping with three women. Apparently I should have remembered that John was bisexual and pretended that one of the women was a man. Just to keep things straight. Um. So to speak.

I might have just sounded a little bit pissy in that last paragraph and my attitude is sure to be taken as if I have a problem with bisexuals because some people just want to preach at other people and point out that they're not as good people as the person doing the preaching even if the people doing the preaching have got the wrong end of the stick. But I just sounded pissy because I don't write the comic books. J.M. DeMatteis is on Twitter if you feel he should be reminded that Constantine is bisexual. I only report what I see! Also what I think I see! Also sometimes things I wished I'd seen but had to make up instead.

Okay, fine! I'm untrustworthy enough to have lied about John being with three women! But I don't like people assuming that I'm an Amateur Comic Book Reader! Haven't you read all of those times I've proclaimed that I'm a Master Comic Book Reader? You should trust that I know what I'm doing!

I also don't think John is a bisexual. I don't think he'd want to be labeled when it came to his sexual choices. Bisexual is too limiting for John. I'd make up a word here that describes his sexuality but, as I just said so recently there's no way you've already forgotten it, I don't think Constantine would want to be labeled. As a free thinking individual, he can give a toss what other people think of him or how other people want to control him through mundane categories. He's just John Constantine! Even that's probably too much label for him!

I like when reader's give bits of condensation nuclei to get my ranting bubbling to the surface but it often comes at the expense of sounding like I have something against the reader! I totally don't! I love Locke! And Natalie! And the other person whose name I can't remember but it sounded like I was a jerk to that person when I responded to that person in a commentary but I totally wasn't being hostile or mean-spirited at all and sorry that I can't remember your name [I think it was rebeccamartin2!]! Now do I have to list every other reader and say that I love them as well because I just don't have the time nor the inclination! How about I just say, "I love you all!" And I mean that in the most insincere way possible. I mean, it's sincere enough if you take "I love you" to mean "I'd gladly nod in your direction if you called out my name in public and waved at me like a maniac."

Well, maybe I love Artya. Or miss Artya. One of those.

Anyway, this was the basic conflict currently troubling the Justice League Dark.

Does it seem like Justice League Dark fights more amongst themselves than against other foes? Well they're doing it again! Luckily it doesn't last long before Constantine ends the fight by making all of their lives worse. He winds up trapping them all back in the Between. That's where stray thoughts go to not exist anymore. Or to both exist and not exist. Oh, who am I kidding? I don't know what it is! It's some kind of philosophical lint trap! And who am I to discuss philosophical topics when I dropped out of The Philosophy of Science after one day in the class because I realized I can't fucking stand wannabe philosophers. The whole first class was spent discussing whether or not what we see through the window is actually what's through the window. "Why don't you fucking jump out of it?" I muttered under my breath and began doodling penises and vaginas on my binder.

What I learned from my one day as a philosopher is that the greatest philosopher in the room is always the last one to ask, "How do you know?" The person resorting to punching the greatest philosopher in the face is not the greatest philosopher in the room although that person might be the biggest hero in the room. And I'm against all forms of physical violence! Unless the person committing the violence is wearing a cape. Then it's fun.

This is the new conflict after they sort out their internal issues.

Justice League Dark are now battling to not exist as the Between erodes their identities and slowly erases them from reality. Why fight it? Just let nonexistence wash over you! Let it embrace you. As the great poet Dylan Thomas wrote, "[G]o gentle into that good night." That's good advice!

Instead of letting them all stop existing, The Nightmare Nurse takes it upon herself to give the others time to get home. That's because she took some kind of a nursing vow at Nightmare Medical University to protect people in need. So she's going to remain in the Between to try to show it life is worth living and it's kind of a dick move to go around forcing other people to not live life in the same way that you do. Or don't. One of those.

So Zee is into three-headed parasitic demons! As the great poet Paris Hilton wrote, "That's hot!"

Did Nightmare Nurse and Zatanna spend an entire lifetime in Zatanna's head while Nurse was possessing her? Did they have a long relationship and a happy family? Did Zatanna learn how to play the flute? If not inside Zee's head then when did they get so close? Probably not during the Preboot!

Justice League Dark escapes and Nightmare Nurse returns to nothing. She says she gives her final power to her father. I don't know if she's speaking directly to the Between or she's speaking to a long lost father that filled her with Daddy Issues before setting her loose on the world.

Or maybe Asa isn't dead because Zatanna seems to have been keeping her under her tongue.

Which poet?! I've been correctly attributing my quotes! I'm going to guess it was either Rudyard Kipling or Nicole Richie.

Asa returns to Alice Winter's body but this time with Alice's permission and a promise to not bury her personality beneath Asa's voluptuous ego. And then everything is hunky dory! Even John seems to be welcome for the moment.

Justice League Dark #32 Rating: +2 Ranking. This was a well told issue that sorted out the Nightmare Nurse and her position on the team nicely. Although I'm still wondering about her father. Is he nonexistence? Or was he somebody else from long, long ago. Maybe Trigon the Rapist! I'm still not a huge fan of John being on the team since he's always been such a loner but maybe he'll work out okay in a support role and not as the leader. The one reason for him to stick around is to explore his connection to the House of Mystery and his room full of New 52 secrets. But I have a feeling that subject will never be broached again. It was probably just a little something for Forever Evil and now John just doesn't give a shit about his hero research anymore.

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