Batman Eternal #11

Recently every cover with Batgirl on it looks like she's attempting to engage in scissoring.

I learned some stuff today! I decided to skim every issue of the 1985 Who's Who series to see if anybody was named Maxwell Payne. I figured he's going to be an important character in Futures End (or was important the five years between Now and Futures End, anyway!) and it was possible it was the name of some d-list villain. I couldn't find anybody by that name. I think the only person that had "Payne" as a last name was one of the three Clayfaces (the worst one!). But I did learn that Batman Incorporated used to be called The Dome!

I suppose I kind of already knew this since I read Infinity Inc many, many years ago. But due to the passage of time, a poor memory for details, and the insipid yet constant belief that any time I hear about anything for the first time ever, I believe it's the first time that thing has ever existed, I didn't make the connection.

Also while watching the first season of Young Justice, I got to see The Forever People in action and hear Jason Bard's name dropped in a telepathic training exercise. Jason Bard was also important enough for a Who's Who entry (for some horrible reason). He must have been created by somebody at DC with a lot of pull.

"Hey! Don't forget that boring ass white guy I created! He's different from the other boring ass white guy's I created because he uses a cane!"

Now that I'm chock full of useless information, it's time to apply it to my reading of Batman Eternal! Now I can say things that make me sound like I'm full of insight like, "Remember how Jason Bard used to run his own detective agency? I wonder how much he charged The Batman? I also wonder why the dirty cops never firebombed it!" Then some smartass comic book know-it-all will probably come along and say, "Actually, his place of business was firebombed in Detective Comics #433 entitled, 'Jason Bard's House of Sexual Dishonesty.'"

This issue begins with Batgirl trying to keep Scorpiana from murdering the man that was standing at the subway where her father did that horrible thing he apparently did. Batgirl thinks he knows something since he was standing around for hours and then left after the accident. Why would he stand around at a subway station for hours possibly waiting for somebody? Why would he leave after the accident instead of continuing waiting on the person he was waiting for?! Why did he eat a hot dog and look bored?! So suspicious!

The art makes me believe that a cat with a boner is going to sidle by at any minute.

This art is causing my brain to believe masturbation is about to take place! At any second, Batgirl's clothes are going to fall from her body and she's going to wrap her legs around Scorpiana's face. The camera man is going to pull out his penis and begin masturbating as he films the fuckfight. And then scorpions and spiders are going to crawl out of Scorpiana's ass and...oh. Okay, that's done it. I'm not thinking about masturbation anymore!

Meanwhile back at Wayne Manor, Alfred spends some quality time with his estranged daughter, Julia. He makes her a delicious looking fake sandwich and then lets her yell at him for a few panels.

And then...oh joy!...he gets to wipe up blood! What a fantastic day! Being a butler sure seems swell.

The scene shifts to Stephanie Brown doing research on her father's alias, Cluemaster. I bet the word "spoil" gets used at some point during this scene!

I'm wrong because I guess Snyder and company finally realized they were doing the same thing on a weekly basis and everybody was noticing. You can do that on a monthly basis because everybody forgets everything that was in last month's comic book. That's why so many people kept buying Teen Titans. They would forget how awful it was and then see it on the shelf next month and think, "Oh! I love the Teen Titans!" Then they would get home, read the comic book, and dream about the $2.99 they just threw down DC's toilet. Although to make up for the fact that "spoil" isn't said, they have Cluemaster as a civilian game show host use the word "clue" a few times! And they bold and italicize it in the same way they were doing when they used the word "spoil". Can a person feel halfway vindicated? I think that's what I'm feeling!

Where is that cat and his boner?

Now Scorpiana will break in to continue the fuckfight with Batgirl. But then Red Hood will save the day and Babs will be all, "I didn't need saving, you misogynist jerko!" And Red Hood will be all, "Fuck you, you harpy!" And then they'll engage in some mutual masturbation while listening to a Styx album.

How is Scorpiana going to fuckfight effectively with that mask on?

You know what couple of characters I haven't seen lately that I really miss? Alfred the cat and Batcow. Come on, DC! That's a monthly title that would make a killing! Or at least sell the one copy I buy. Isn't that enough?

Back to Spoi...I mean Stephanie Brown doing research in the library, I discover I was too quick to believe in half-vindication!

Full on vindication, urethra munchers!

Did you know that the race of beings that were the Tele-tubbies were actually called "Urethra Munchers." It's a fact! Go ahead! Look it up!

Does anybody know how to upload facts to Google?

This issue may never have gotten around to showing me a cat with a boner but these following panels are filled with flaccid, uncircumcised cocks and a stuffed animal that is a boob.

I'd prefer to just say "cocks" but I figure most of my readership live in America where only circumcised cocks get any air time. So all you young girls and boys that have never seen an uncircumcised cock before, this is the horror that will emerge from the pants of the person it's attached too!

I'm always surprised when an American points to something they find horrific being done in another country but they rush right out to get their baby's penis trimmed. As well as all the other horrible things Americans still buy into. That's just the one that's currently on my mind since I just saw two dozen cocks in that panel I scanned.

Back in Brazil, Batgirl escapes the television studio with Gonzolo and accidentally drops him inside Starfire's ship. At least I think it's Starfire! It looks like Starfire!

It's just...there's just...I mean...something is missing. And I don't mean all the dicks sticking out of all of her orifices! I mean, those are missing. It's just not what I meant this time!

El Gaucho arrives to capture Scorpiana and Red Hood appears to tell Batgirl she needs to calm the fuck down and start using her head to find the man at the subway station. So I guess they're going to team up for awhile without being angry at each other. Maybe. There are plenty of other reasons to be mad at Red Hood!

The mini-story that bookends this issue is about Selina visiting the grave of Lola, her ex-fence that died in a manner that can probably be seen as Catwoman's fault if you wanted to be a dick about it. A letter on the grave claims to be from her father. I think in some other DC reality, Falcone may have been her father. So he might be in this one as well. But if he is, he doesn't know Selina is Catwoman. Anyway, Batman is hanging around the graveyard hoping that Selina is sad and vulnerable and in the mood.

Oh! She is in the mood! She wants you to drop the stupid daddy act and be a non-daddy right now!

Batman Eternal #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. Um. Hmm. Oh yeah! I have to come up with a nice blurb for the Batman Eternal Trade when it comes out! "If you've never heard of Batman, don't bother picking up this one! Maybe try that Wolverine trade further down the rack -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!"