Batgirl #32

In this issue, Batgirl stars in a music video.

For some reason, this reminded me of making music videos in the mall in the mid-eighties. What a glorious time to be a teenager and/or a mall! I'm so glad uploading VHS tape footage to the internet is a multi-step process or else I'd probably have made a huge mistake by now and completely embarrassed myself and ruined my life. No matter how much I want to embarrass my friend Bobby by uploading the video we made at Vallco Mall in the eighties in which we perform "Wanted Dead or Alive", I don't think it's worth taking myself down in the process! It's one thing to expose your true self through words to complete strangers and an entirely different monsters to expose yourself in black and white, pseudo-sexy film footage lyp-synching to a Bon Jovi song. Just describing it so accurately makes me want to crawl into a hole for the rest of the week!

Forget I even mentioned that other stuff that I'm tempted to delete from this commentary anyway but still leave in this sentence so everybody can wonder what the hell I mentioned. Let's talk about Batgirl's new story entitled "The Razors Under the Floorboards." That sounds like one of my euphemisms for "doing it."

Tess: "After the dance, we found the razors under the floorboards, if you get my meaning."
Everybody else: "No, we don't."

Gail Simone has often said that the subtext and the theme of each story begin with the title. So I think the subtext of this title is that Gail Simone had a stroke.

This issue begins with Batgirl battling some men wielding laser guns. That probably means they work for Nightfell since she's into selling alien technology on the black market.

Batgirl must be a heavy investor in Wayne Dental Cosmetic Surgery and Skylight Repair, LLC.

The Gotham Police appear and actually slap handcuffs on the men Batgirl has beaten down. I thought they weren't supposed to arrest anybody caught by a vigilante! Maybe they're just too literal and since it was Batgirl and not Batman that took down these thugs, they figure Forbes won't mind if they arrest them. Although the story began in the middle of the fight, so I don't know what they're arresting them for anyway? Are each of them going to get thirty-two counts of littering? That was a getting their teeth knocked out joke!

As Batgirl chases down the last bad guy, she Narration Boxes an explanation: they were robbing a bank in wetsuits. I mention that aspect of the crime because Batgirl thinks it's weird "even in Gotham." I guess when you're used to clowns and robotic penguins and sentient masses of fecal matter and men with chicken heads committing the usual crime, guys wearing wetsuits is a bit of a change of pace.

Meanwhile, Nightfell, Dicksmasher, and their tiny eyes discuss business.

I always call villains by the wrong name. It's kind of a thing I do. Just now when I was trying to remember Knightfall's henchperson's real name, my brain came up with Dicksmasher. It wasn't until I was scanning the panel that I remembered her name was "Bonebreaker." Good synonym, brain! Keep up the good work while I'm completely distracted and unaware of what you're doing! It's like I've got razors under my floorboards!

Unluckily for Batgirl's ex-boyfriend Ricky, Nightfell catches one of those ubiquitous news reports that always seem to have local news people discussing shit that matters instead of showing internet videos of a mother dog rescuing its puppies from a storm drain. Although this news is actually standard fare for local news discussing shit that barely matters. The newscaster mentions that James Gordon is being sued by Ricky. The next news story is probably about how Jim is being sued by two hundred other families as well. Anyway, Nightfell doesn't like punitive lawsuits like this and she sends Dicksmasher to go smash Ricky's dick.

After Batgirl strikes out searching for Nightfell's secret weapon caches, she heads home and walks in on Alysia hiding razors in the floorboards.

Cunnilingus is worth a lot of points.

The next day, Barbara is kidnapped by her old college roommate. She offers Barbara a job with great benefits like never again having a normal life and losing all contact with the people you love and not ruining your entire life if you accept. It sounds exciting! But Barbara declines even though Babs was just thinking how she needs an army to help stop Nightfell and this army wants to stop Nightfell. I don't expect Barbara to accept a crappy offer like this full of threats but at least Barbara now knows that there are other people out there attempting to bring Nightfell down. She'll probably work it to her advantage before this is over.

Until then, Babs opts for some other allies, one she knows and one pretty much nobody knows.

Is this when they finally begin singing about the razors in the floorboards?

Batgirl #32 Rating: No change. I'm perturbed by one main thing in this issue: Barbara's alarm system for her van. I understand that she can't have anybody breaking into her van to find her Batgirl Cave but should she really have an explosive security system installed? That seems a bit harsh. I can't imagine she'd risk the life of some Gotham car stereo thieves, so the explosive security is probably some kind of self-contained blast that simply destroys all of her Batgirl gear in the back of the van. It still seems really dangerous! What if Alysia tries to break into it to play Scrabble in the back with Jo?! Batgirl should really consider getting a more secure location for her Batgirl Cave.