Saturday, June 14, 2014

Batman Eternal #10

The more dysmorphic Catwoman's ass gets, the more likely Guillem March is the artist.

This must be the issue where Batman saves Catwoman (instead of vice versa), then Catwoman hits on Batman (instead of vice versa), and Batman turns her down even though everybody can see the erection in his suit (instead of vice versa. Um, minus the erection). Didn't Catwoman used to have all the power in this relationship? Back in the days when Batman was less grim and more accepting of love? Catwoman would appear with a huge slit up the side of her costume, showing way more ankle (and calf. And thigh. And lower buttock region) than a modest woman would and Batman would go, "Homina homina homina." Then Catwoman would touch him gently on the chest or hips or leg before leaving and Batman would disappear in the bathroom for five minutes while Robin played Hunt the Wumpus on the Batcomputer wondering why the panels were suddenly filled with a "FAPPO!" sound effect.

But now Batman acts like he's above having a relationship with an amoral burglar even though The New 52 began with these two knocking super boots. I suppose I wouldn't want anything to do with Catwoman either. Not because she's a thief but because her dialogue is written by Ann Nocenti. Stop constantly over-explaining everything and spouting incorrect facts and start trying to make sense, Catwoman!

This issue begins by showing a flashback as to how Carmine Falcone got the scare on his face.

What a surprise! I thought it was from a garden rake!

This is the first page of this issue and since this part was already obvious, I'm hoping there's some context behind it on page two. I'm not filled with hope. I'm feeling quite pessimistic about the chances of explanation, actually. I have a feeling page two will return to the present with Carmine fingering his scar lost in thought just before he begins speaking to Catwoman who's probably tied up in a chair facing him.

This made me laugh out loud. Who's a good Master Comic Book Reader? Why, I am! Yes I am! Who's so cyute?!

Granted, this was page three and page two did offer a little bit of context. Falcone had just lost his power in Gotham City to Oswald Cobblepot and Catwoman was just saying her goodbyes to him and his ruthless way of running the city. She also stole a statue of Bast. Or Bast's cat if Bast is typically a woman with a cat head. Maybe she's both. What am I? A scholar of ancient Egypt? That would be pretty funny if I was, hunh? In my spare time away from researching ancient Egypt's culture and antiquities, I made dick jokes on the internet. Carmine's last words as Catwoman leaves are, "I-I'm not going to f-forget this, cat burglar." Of course you aren't! That's why she slashed your face, you dillhole! It's how people keep the memory of their past cats close to them! I have a nice scar on my left forearm that I will cherish forever after my cat Judas is gone. The day he used my arm to jump up to a higher surface, causing it to instantly well with blood and leak down onto the sofa, I was already nostalgic about the scar it was going to create and how a part of him would always be with me. It's possible I react differently than most people to being maimed by a pet.

I hadn't read that page above when I scanned it and now I just did! So Carmine's finished thought that I cut off is "--Gotham becomes a city of freaks." That thought is over a panel of Professor Pyg wheeling something into the Gotham City Hotel. The panel could just as easily been a picture of Batman swinging through the skyscrapers.

Professor Pyg has a new gang which you can see if you look at the cover. I like Goat Girl but that chicken headed guy is really freaking me out. I can imagine the others just have the outer skin of the animals sewed onto and over the person's actual head. But that illusion is shattered by little pin-headed chicken guy. Pyg has really outdone himself with these creatures.

Unless, you know, he's done this kind of thing before. I don't know anything about Professor Pyg except what he's done in The New 52. I believe he made his debut while I was on The Long Hiatus from comic books.

It's not an unreasonable goal. But he is going to go about it unreasonably.

Apparently Falcone is staying in the Gotham City Hotel because it's at this moment when Pyg and his Farmyard Gang step into the room.

I believe this is the first time Riccardo Burchielli has done any art for The New 52. I really fucking like this style. Paired with the colors of Dave McCaig, I would love to read a monthly book that looks like this.

Back at Wayne Manor, Julia Pennyworth is being pumped full of her father's tea so she gets nice and healthy. Yes, apparently she really is the daughter of Alfred Pennyworth. She doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with him. Perhaps she's ashamed he's a butler. More probably, he chose butlering over being present in her life. Even more probably, he chose Bruce Wayne as a surrogate son to raise and protect because Bruce needed him so badly while ignoring how much his own daughter needed him as well. So she seems a bit bitter and more than slightly pissed off toward him.

Jason Todd stops by Wayne Manor to frown at Bruce and shoot daggers out of his eyes at Bruce and keep his hands in his leather jacket like a 50s punk at Bruce. Bruce wants Red Hood to travel to South America and keep an eye on Batgirl. I guess the person Batgirl saw at the subway has gone to South America and Bruce is afraid she's going to do something stupid.

I know I'm overly cynical about Batman when I begin thinking he's doing this more for Jason Todd than for Barbara Gordon. Who uses Jason Todd to make sure somebody else doesn't get in any trouble? That's like adding fuel to more fuel! Bruce probably just wants to make sure Jason Todd gets a bit of a break from the awful environment he's in over in the Red Hood title. That environment isn't hanging out with Roy and Kory. The environment is having to be written by Scott Lobdell. Also, Bruce probably thinks this will keep Todd out of trouble instead of the other way around. Nobody is actually worried about Babs doing something stupid. She's the best combination of smart and level-headed amongst the Batkids.

Meanwhile, Stephanie Brown's story where she's trying to avoid being killed by her father Cluemaster in which the word "spoil" is used an inordinate amount of times continues but doesn't really reveal much.

Lucky for Catwoman and Falcone, Alfred likes to watch the Channel 9 News over his nightly dose of daughter's rebuff.

Batman drops through the skylight to rescue Catwoman. You'd think after years of seeing the Batman's work, Falcone would have chosen to stay in the floor beneath the penthouse. Batman defeats Pyg and his Farmyard Gang. He doesn't kill any of them but would it be so bad if he did? Do you think Chickenhead's life is really worth living at this point? I'm sure Bullhead and maybe even Horsehead at least have a fulfilling sex life. But Chickenhead must be miserable. I don't think there are a lot of people with the same lax restrictions on a mate as Gonzo of the Muppets has. I'm sure Goat Girl's life is fine though. She's cute, adorable, sexy, and probably makes a decent living clearing brush and weeds from large lots.

Batman leaves Falcone behind because I guess Batman draws the vigilante line at kidnapping. Superman would just put Falcone in the Phantom Zone and forget about him!

Batman tries to send Catwoman on her way because he doesn't need a little girl that he doesn't care about at all (no matter what his penis might say) getting in the way and possibly getting hurt. And even though Batman dismisses Selina like this, she still decides to give him the information she learned while captured by Falcone. That's that information from the beginning where she realized Falcone is in town because somebody tipped him off that Batman was having a tough time keeping the kids in check and putting the city back together after Forever Evil. And it's that person that seems to be Batman's true enemy. It's probably Hush. Geez that's a stupid name.

Batman Eternal #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. The art was terrific, especially Pyg's Farmyard Gang. With enemies like this running around Gotham, it's no wonder Batman barely blinked twice when he discovered Heaven was a real place and Wonder Woman's actually the daughter of the God Zeus. I'm an atheist and I'd be more surprised to see a man with a chicken for a head than find out that I wasn't God.

That closing line (which now isn't the closing line because I'm explaining it!) was meant for all the religious people who argue that atheists believe they are their own god. That's stupid! That would mean I wouldn't believe in myself, you twit! Atheist doesn't just mean I don't believe in your god! I don't believe in any gods! I am not my own god! True, I believe that my decisions are my own and that, with a lot of luck and a reasonable amount of average work and taking responsibility for my own actions, I make my own way in the world. If you believe that God gave you free will, you're no different in your belief about life than I am. Okay, maybe I'd say I believe in the illusion of free will but that's really just semantics at that point. We act of our own accord. Believers just arrogantly believe that an omnipotent being has their back. I'm just working without a safety net, or a supreme being to blame my troubles on!

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