Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Batman and Ra's al Ghul #32

I missed the issue where Damian was encased in carbonite.

I used to pronounce the "Ra's" in Ra's al Ghul as rhyming with moss because I can't even pronounce English names. But then I heard Batman pronounce it as rhyming with mace in Young Justice and I slapped myself in the face and said, "Stupid! You embarrassment! You idiot! How did you not know?!"

I hate when people act like they're better than you when you mispronounce a name. It's a fucking name! If somebody has never heard it said out loud before, there's absolutely no fucking reason that person should know how to pronounce it. I still constantly mispronounce Andrea's name from The Walking Dead because I was pronouncing it differently for eight years while reading the fucking comic book before I ever heard them pronounce it on the stupid television show. And people are so quick to correct you! So fucking smug in their ability to pronounce a name correctly! La dee da! Now if only that were the way they tested a person's IQ! "Pronounce all of these names. If you get any wrong, we'll fucking laugh right in your face and throw you out, you stupid twat."

Let me take a second to compose myself and wipe the spittle from my computer monitor. Yes, that's right. I rant and rave out loud as I type!

Okay. So Batman and Frankenstein have journeyed to the place formerly known as Nanda Parbat where Ra's al Ghul has an emergency Lazarus Pit. They arrive a little bit later than they would have liked and find that Ra's currently has Talia's corpse dipped just past her private area. If he never dunks the rest of her, will her bottom half come alive? I bet even just half of her is a pretty good match for the Jeezly Crow Batman.

This Pit fires up the libido.

This Lazarus Pit is supposedly even better than the Well of Sins Lazarus Pit in the heart of 'Eth Sven'leven. Ra's hadn't been able to access it while Nanda Parbat had its fat magic ass sitting on top of it. Here is an insensitive joke about the size of a city: "When Nanda Parbat sits around the Lazarus Pit, it really sits around the Lazarus Pit!" Um. Anyway, since Nanda Parbat arsed off, Ra's has decided to take full advantage of the purest pit in the world.

Here's another insensitive fat person joke: "How many fat people does it take to change a light bulb? One!"

Here's an equal time insensitive skinny person joke: "How many skinny people does it take to change a light bulb? Don't worry about it. The fat person already took care of it."

The rules for this pit insist that the corpse must be immersed in the liquid for 24 hours which is why Talia and Damian are in the sarcophagi. Fill 'em up and let 'em stew. This pit also erases memory. That seems like a huge hassle. Ra's really is crazy if he wants to rule the world with two mindless people that don't know anything and have no relationship to the people they once were. That just sounds like a hassle.

So you can't call Frankenstein a monster without sounding insensitive and you can't call him Frankenstein without a bunch of pseudo-intellectuals jumping down your throat and pointing out that the monster's name wasn't Frankenstein. Those people are pedantic assholes!

Batman and his army of Yetis attack Ra's and his army of Man-bats to keep Damian's corpse from being immersed in the Pit. Mostly Bruce just doesn't want to have to deal with another Jason Todd.

Batman escapes with Damian's sarcophagus while Frankenstein holds off the Man-Bats. But first Batman knocks a huge stone pillar on a bunch of Man-bats. Is it okay to kill Man-Bats? Or is this one of those situations if one of them dies, it isn't really Batman's fault since they should have upped their invulnerability quotient when transforming.

Frank doesn't do a quality job holding back al Ghul's forces.

Before Batman can make a clean getaway, he's forced to have one more conversation with Ra's al Ghul.

How sweet! It's Batmamabearman!

And, of course, that last conversation turns into one last battle (after one last double page Superman advertisement). The battle goes on for a few pages until Batman is about to put out both of al Ghul's eyes. But there are a couple of reasons he can't go through with it. The first reason is that Batman spent a long time under the Comics Code Authority, so he's hesitant to provide any Injuries to the Eyes for the corruption of the younger readers. And the second reason is because a BOOM Tube blasts open out of which that fucking asshole piece of shit craphole bullshitter Glorious Godfrey steps. Ugh. What a bastard.

Also a bunch of parademons come out of the tube which really can't be very good for New Earth!

Batman and Ra's al Ghul #32 Rating: No change. Well well well. That was a fucking surprise twist ending! I wasn't expecting to see Glorious Godfrey any time soon. Although the introduction of Apokolips into the Robin story was ruined for me just because the final DC ALL ACCESS page in all of last week's comic books make sure they differentiated "ROBIN RISES: OMEGA #1" from all the other text whenever it was mentioned. And Omega has been touted as Darkseid's daughter trapped on Earth. So even when I try to avoid all spoilers, DC still manages to kick me in the teeth and shit down my throat. I think. That metaphor might not accurately describe how it feels to read spoilers from DC itself. Anyway, a decent enough issue, I suppose. Lots of fighting. Not enough Yetis. Just the right amount of Frankenstein.

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