Friday, June 20, 2014

Futures End #7

Yeah! Who is afraid of the neutered bat?

Somebody needs to die this issue to keep me interested. My guess is it will be Coil since Coil has been dragging his feet about joining The Key's big heist. It's always the cautious individual that gets punished when pushy people convince that individual to do something risky or illegal. I don't suppose it will be any of the other characters highlighted so far since most of them appeared in Futures End #0 where they died. I suppose that's an alternate future since Terry McBatman has now come back in time to change everything. But if that's the case and he's going to fix stuff then I can't expect anybody to die, right? Also, in five real years, am I going to have to reread all of these stories again in the regular monthly titles of these characters?!

This issue begins with a battle between an undead monster and a ghostly phantom. It's like an old comic that might have had "weird" or "strange" or "house" as part of the title.

These dead bodies don't count since they were killed in Issue #1.

I like how Lemire and Snyder commented on the crappy quality of some of DC's New 52 comics in their Rotworld story. All the dead heroes that had been turned into Rotlings were the worst written characters so far in The New 52 like Grifter and Hawk and Dove and The Teen Titans and Katana and Green Arrow. It was brilliant! I mean, it was mean! What jerks! How dare they point out the differing quality of the books and subversively comment on writers that actually care about what they're putting out versus those that just care about the paycheck.

That last comment might have been a bit unfair. It's possible Nocenti and Lobdell are doing the best that they can and they don't give a shit about the paycheck. Although I'm fairly certain Lobdell still dreams of fucking a different comic book groupie every night on top of mountains of X-men cash continuously pouring in from the nineties speculation market. Although most comic book groupies of the time were adolescent boys which isn't the picture I was trying to portray of Scott Lobdell. You can skip that last sentence if you aren't Scott Lobdell's attorney and go ahead and believe I meant whatever you want to believe I meant when I mentioned Lobdell and diddling groupies.

Meanwhile back on Earth, Lois Lane threatens to deport her employees if they don't do as she says.

Apparently the entire office is okay with her discriminatory practices.

At least Not Red Robin Anymore's girlfriend, Madison Payne, doesn't like the way Lois Lane does her business. And Lois Lane doesn't like the way Mad Payne is the daughter of Max Payne. I don't think I like that either! I bet Max Payne is also a Major in the army! And I bet his wife's name is Gigantic Thorpe. She kept her maiden name.

I really like Madison Payne!

If this is the first time you're reading one of my 1500+ comic book reviews, I'll give you the TL;DR on them: I hate goddamned journalists, local newscasters, and non-Muslim heterosexual white men.

After Lois Lane gets her ass chewed out, there's an advertisement for a new Infinite Crisis comic book. Do I need to do commentary on this title? Reader thoughts are appreciated to convince me to pick up that series. No, they won't actually be appreciated! But they will determine whether or not I read the series.

Meanwhile Jasonstorm continues to enjoy the role of teacher's pet, Ronniestorm visits a memorial with his mom's name on it, and Deathstroke kicks people in the face while training on Cadmus Island. That's where Grifter has been taken. It's becoming a lot like that island where the Doom Patrol lived before Superboy punched reality or the island with all the geniuses in Watchmen. I mean, not exactly like those things since those housed intelligent and creative people while Cadmus Island, so far, only has Deathstroke and Grifter. So it has brutal killers which is nearly the exact same thing as intellectuals.

Faraday is building some kind of Daemonite killing team. I imagine, since this series is all about highlighting cancelled characters, that team is Team 7. I'm not sure who the little girl with the glowing eyes is though. I suppose it's probably Jericho. You know, Joseph Wilson? Slade's son? Try to keep up!

"Yuh nah mah fadder?" Okay, maybe it's not Jericho! Or that was some kind of stupid joke because the little girl that Joseph is currently possessing isn't Deathstroke's child.

Later the girl introduces herself as "Fifty Sue." It sounds like one of Crazy Jane's personalities. Maybe she's one of those metas that can multiply like Mob Rule or Multiplication Guy.

Back at the park where The Key and Coil and Plastique are making plans for a heist they're not even sure they're going to attempt since Coil is all, "We'll be trapped!" and "I don't know if I can do it!" and "I don't want to be anybody's bitch anymore!", Mister Terrific calls Terry McBatman not a bum. I guess in the future, that's a major insult because Terry McBatman instantly kicks Mister Terrific in the face. Not a great idea! You know how many Terry McBatman's Mister Terrific buys and sells before his before breakfast shit?! Probably, like, a zillion or something!

Oh! Maybe I should have said, "Do you know how many Terry McBatman's Mister Terrific eats for breakfast every morning before his before breakfast shit?" Does that work better? It seems kind of confusing but he's rich and needs to keep up his huge muscle mass, so I'm sure he eats before he eats all of the time. Also he eats before he shits. You know, just to help push out the caviar and oysters and Cristal from the midnight snack of the night before.

Terry McBatman flees the battle because he's a wussy girl. That might be sexist but I'd rather be seen as sexist then be seen as a homophobe by saying wussy boy! Unless it's only homophobic because I now pointed out that when I say "wussy boy," I mean gay male! Maybe I should have just said he flees the battle like a stupid French tart! That can't be seen as offensive by anybody! Especially since it's so accurate because whenever a stupid French tart flees a battle, they always leave behind their shopping cart full of cybernetic arms, legs, and heads. I'm nothing if not precise in my use of language symbols!

Oh no! By traveling through time to stop Mister Terrific's bugbot empire, they've helped start Mister Terrific's bugbot empire! Oh the bugbotmanity!

Futures End #7 Rating: No change. Nobody died! How dare this comic book not kill anybody? Doesn't it know what makes for exciting adventures? The number one rule is to kill off a character. And when you've got so many characters to kill off and it doesn't matter if they die or not because this is an imaginary future tale, you should be killing them off left and right and whatever that third direction is that scientists recently discovered. Didn't they just discover something like that? Didn't they call it ambertron or something? I bet in the future, everybody drives on the ambertron hand side of the street!

Oh! I should give a quick blurb for this comic book so that DC puts it on the Futures End trade when it comes out. "Futures End? More like Futures Beginning! Am I right? Or am I ambertron?!"

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