Supergirl #32

"Why hello, Worldkiller! Pleased to meet you!" SOCKO!

Once upon a time there was a super girl whose name was Supergirl. Her name was also Kara Something-el or something but everybody just called her Supergirl. She was from the planet Krypton which blew up. You should probably infer from that statement that her parents also blew up. It might have been more complicated than that although there was this one really great scene where Kara's father was all, "I love you, Kara's Mother!" And then Kara's mother who was really pissed off about Kara's father saving Kara's life (unless she was really mad that he didn't save her life?) said, "You were the worst scientist ever." And then everybody blew up and Kara's father had to die while feeling his lowest low ever.

So I mentioned the blowing up bits so that you'd understand why Kara was so angry and why she was chosen to be a member of the Red Lanterns who are also very angry even though their planets didn't blow up. Most lanterns aren't angry but occasionally you'll meet a real dick of a lantern that will try to burn down a house or a forest. Some of them even try to asphyxiate people with their secret emissions. But these Lanterns were angry because of other reasons that are other stories that aren't Supergirl's story so they probably shouldn't be told here taking up her valuable word real estate.

I think that's all the background story a new reader needs to understand Supergirl's motivations. Oh! It might also help to know she's lonely in case that wasn't implied in that part about her home planet blowing up!

Did DC Comics pay Iron Maiden for the use of their font?

Currently Supergirl has been kicked out of the Red Lantern Corps. If you want to know why, you have to read a comic book that hasn't been published yet. There are two ways you can do this and both require time travel. The first way is to hope that time travel is invented in your life time, buy a time machine when it's invented, time travel back to right now when you were reading Supergirl #32, give your past self the time machine so that they can travel into the future to get Red Lanterns #32, wait for your past self to return while you enjoy your copy of Red Lanterns #32 that you brought with you to kill time waiting for your past self to return because you remember when you visited yourself that you didn't know how to work the time machine very well and returned to the past two hours after you left instead of immediately. The other way you can time travel to read Red Lanterns #32 is to just travel forward in time how you normally do it by wasting your life masturbating and watching cartoons. Before you know it, Red Lanterns #32 will be on sale! Score!

Anyway, Supergirl decides to head back to Earth with her Red Lantern Ring. She probably wants to yell at her best friend Silver Banshee. "Why didn't you console me when I was dying of Vaginal Kryptonite Poisoning?!" And Silver Banshee will be all, "Ye wee Blarney Stones! Ye never even telled me aboot jour strange sexually transmitted disease!" And Supergirl will be all, "That's no excuse!" And Silver Banshee will cry and hug her and beg for forgiveness and say, "Can ye never forgeeve me?!" And Supergirl will be all, "Didn't you tell me you could speak any language you hear fluently? Doesn't that mean you shouldn't have an accent?" And Silver Banshee will be all, "Why no ye dumb slut! Beggorah and shenanigans!" And then I was all, "I'm tired of writing this stupid conversation!"

It's a lucky thing that Supergirl decided to head back to Earth since that's where Worldkiller and his Diaperans are headed! Probably to kill her so maybe on second thought, it's an unlucky thing.

So Earth has to suffer just so you can pal around with Supergirl? Just fucking ask her for her number!

On Supergirl's way home, she takes a side trip into Action Comics #33. Another comic book that hasn't been published yet! Hopefully your future self remembered that you needed to pick up this comic as well before sending you off in the time machine. Maybe that's why it took you two hours to return! Because you had to make two stops! No wait. That doesn't make sense! It's time travel! It takes no time at all unless you're a moron that can't operate the controls! You really have to be dumb to not know how to use a time machine. They always have easy to read dials that you just spin and set to the proper time before pushing the button or pulling the lever that turns the machine on. Isn't it weird that time machines never have GPS units in them? How do they know where to find the Earth when you go back 80 years? It's not like Earth was just sitting in the exact place where you departed! I'm sure Google will figure all that shit out so that it runs in the background and all the pilot has to do is set the correct time. Hopefully they'll account for the missing week when we changed to the Gregorian calendar back in 1752! Holy crap! Imagine how many people will be lost if they screw up that math!

So after doing whatever she managed to do in Action Comics #33, Supergirl arrives in Earthspace just in time to battle a bunch of Diarrheans.

I think Emanuela Lupacchino is the spiritual successor of Mahmud Asrar.

Supergirl destroys a bunch of spaceships and makes a lot of aliens really sad. But there is one that she makes really happy. Super happy even! That alien is named Worldkiller-1! That is a weird name, isn't it? It's times like this that I wish I was about to have a baby so I could name it Worldkiller-42. Then everybody would have to think, "Holy crap! There are forty-something more world killers out there?!" Most people probably can't do math that intricate on the spot so they would probably say "forty-something." I try to keep my speculative fiction grounded in reality.

Once Supergirl learns Worldkiller is Kryptonian, she offers to give him a handy.

Why are artists still using this sound effect improperly?! There is a very specific time and place for this! The time is usually when your roommates are out of the apartment and the place is anywhere in the apartment that is easily washed off.

Supergirl continues to beat on Worldkiller-1 until his face falls off and his body disintegrates. But she didn't kill him! Because the one thing she learned as a Red Lantern was not to kill! Unless she learned something else. I don't know where all these heroes learn that killing is a bad thing. How dare they look down their noses at American soldiers who kill for reasons obfuscated by the chanting throng of nationalists proclaiming the soldiers are killing for freedom. I'm not sure about you but I don't feel any freer whenever another brown person halfway across the planet is gunned down by an American. Hmm, I guess I'm looking down my nose at soldiers too! No, no! They're just following corporate orders! I mean, American military orders! Weird how I made that mistake.

So Worldkiller-1 did not die. He just returned as Space Slender Man. And he wants her body! Join the club, buddy!

They plummet into the Earth's atmosphere which is still full of Kryptonite because the American military is even dumber in comic books than real life. So now Supergirl is getting weaker and weaker while Worldkiller-1 tries to bond with her.

Supergirl #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. Is there any chance Emanuela Lupacchino is going to stick around? She seems like the kind of artist that doesn't hit her deadlines regularly enough to do anything but fill-in issues. I have no evidence to back that up except that her art is terrific and she hasn't been doing any comic book monthly. Tony Bedard has been a very competent writer during The New 52. I was sorry to see his run on Blue Beetle end so quickly. He also did a great job with the Beowulf back-up stories in Sword of Sorcery. Also remember the other things he did and pretend I said really good things about those as well.