Superman #31

I'm surprised Benes put so many clothes on Lois.

If you haven't been reading my commentaries (commentaries which rival the sexual diaries of one of the greatest men on our planet and co-writer of the United States Constitution, Gouverneur Morris), you wouldn't know how much I despise this entire story arc in which Lois Lane has been granted Level 12 Intelligence by Brainiac, has become his fiance, and is helping to prepare the Earth for Coluan conquest. It's ridiculous not because it's utterly ridiculous but because Scott Lobdell wrote it. I have to finally admit that I can't tell anymore if I hate Lobdell's work because it sucks or I hate Lobdell's work because I hate Lobdell's work. I don't think I even try to like his writing anymore. And it pains me to even use the word "writing" to describe his output but I feel like I've called it shit far too many times. I suppose I could call his writing a pile of aborted fetuses but that's probably distasteful, rude, and offensive. Notice I didn't add "inaccurate" to that list.

If you haven't been reading Scott Lobdell's Superman, kudos! You have dodged a bullet of unreadable proportions. But you might be reading this issue right now because it's part of the Doomed story arc. Although DC didn't put the Doomed header on the cover! Probably because DC wanted to allow readers interested in the Doomed story the opportunity to skip this chapter because it is awful. I haven't even read it yet but I know it's awful! Lobdell's books always are.

Lois Lane is also a shitty writer.

As you can see from Lois's article, strange shit happened yesterday and because lots of strange shit not connected to the Fortress of Solitude happened yesterday, today everyone is talking about the Fortress of Solitude. That's the place Superman calls home, by the way! It looks like a Snow Cat vomited up a hairball. It is located in the Arctic although sometimes it's located in Antarctica for some reason. That reason might be because DC's editors don't fucking give a shit or they know geography about as well as Tott DeDell does.

After the horrible Lois Lane article that acts as a synopsis of previous Doomed stories, this issue begins with Lobdell's typical first page image with the main character explaining who the fuck he is just in case a new reader happened to see this comic on the stand and think, "Oh! A comic by Scott Lobdell! I can't fucking pass that up!"

Gail Simone once told me, "You're mean to Scott!" She was being charitable when she said that.

Superman has allowed himself to be held captive while Lex Luthor and Batman and Shay Veritas try to figure out a cure for him. With Mister Terrific on Earth 2, I think that means the three smartest people on (or in) New Earth are working to cure Supes! Now if they could just get Cat Grant to help out, they could have the dumbest person on Earth on their team too! Ray Palmer and Cyborg are also helping out. Ray Palmer might be in the top ten greatest minds on the planet. Cyborg is possibly in the top ten guys that can score the winning touchdown at the big high school game.

Batman decides to send Cyborg back to Justice League Headquarters until they need a kid to make the winning play. Now it's just up to the brainiacs!

Speaking of Brainiacs, Lois Lane hasn't made an appearance yet. But I felt I needed to say that since I said brainiacs.

Who had Page Six in the "When Will Scott Lobdell First Use the Term 'Omniverse'" poll?!

Not long after Cyborg leaves, Lois Lane appears to conduct an interview for The Daily Planet. Unless she's saving this one for the greatest news blog that will ever crush the fuckity fuck out of Clarkcatropolis.com, The Fast Lane! Clark and Cat really should have taken Morgan Glennmorganglenn's 13 million dollar offer.

Ever since Lobdell got the job of ruining Superman for DC Comics, he's been trying to create an X-men-esque environment where the populace despises and doesn't trust Superman. It's annoying and bullshit and Superman was created to be a fucking heroic icon, not a thing to be feared by ignorant assholes and shitty writers. And since Lobdell couldn't quite make his idea fly, he's been beating different dead horses in various manners to figure out a good reason for people to mistrust the guy that saves everybody all of the time. Well, he's kicking the shit out of one final horse before he's kicked the fuck off of this book once and for all.

Maybe if Superman and Lois work together, they can get the entire populace of Earth to fear Superman!

Lois does some mental Hulking out on Superman which causes him to realize The Teen Titans need help because they've been written so poorly for the last two and a half years. Superman escapes from the holding facility to go help them. Together, they will break free from the shackles of Scott Lobdell's plotting and dialogue! It will be a new world where only Red Hood and the Outlaws will be utterly ravaged and destroyed.

Really? The new watchtower is called The Justice League Space Bunker? I don't think so. Scott Lobdell is like a guy that shits in public and never washes his hands. For the rest of the day, he's ruining everything he touches.

The issue ends with Superman flying to St. Louis and destroying Detritus. Or did he? Was there something to destroy? I think my mind was just erased! Maybe I should just shut up with the mind erasing comments since nobody else probably remembers when Detritus first appeared way back in whatever issue of Teen Titans Bunker first appeared in. The Teen Titans stand around pissed off because they were fairly certain their contract that allowed them to be written by Lobdell had run out last month. But here they are again in a shitty story! Before Superman leaves, he breaks the arch in St. Louis because fuck everyone.

Superman #31 Rating: It's already the worst comic book of The New 52! And that's saying something since Ann Nocenti is still writing Catwoman! I wonder if they read each others' stuff and recognize how bad the other person's writing is? Anyway, fuck off, Scott Lobdell! I've been extraordinarily kind to you in my reviews of Superman, so you're welcome! But I won't be so nice if you ever weasel your way back on this title. I will destroy you completely. If you ever think about writing another Superman script, I'll be there. If you ever walk into a meeting with a DC Editor and utter the words "I've got an idea for a Superman story," I'll be there. If you ever mention Superman in casual conversation around a water cooler, I'll be there. You feel me?