Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The Space Ranger! (as seen in Threshold #1)

This picture must be why he's Stealth refers to him as "the punch line to more jokes than I care to recall."

Part 11 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

Alter Ego: Rick Starr
Occupation: Business Executive [I was going to guess "Aerobics Instructor."]
Marital Status: Single [I'm fairly certain he's dating that ball shaped alien with the penis pump on its face.]
Known Relatives: Thaddeus Starr (father)
Group Affiliation: None [Nobody would join his club. So he dropped the "s" on Rangers and added the "the".]
Base of Operations: New York City and an asteroid between Mars and Jupiter, circa 22nd Century
First Appearance: SHOWCASE #15
Height: 6'2" Weight: 194 lbs
Eyes: Blue Hair: Black

"Rick Starr is the son of multimillionaire Thaddus Starr, the owner of Allied Solar Enterprises, and lives on the Earth of the 22nd Century. Rick is a business executive for his father's company, but is also secretly the Space Ranger [I don't think I've ever seen a super hero where I completely understood why they had a secret identity. Until now.], an adventurer known as the guardian of Earth's solar system ['I can save the world! Here I go! Watch me!' *press the button* 'Voila!'].
The Space Ranger's main base is within an asteroid orbitting [sic] between Mars and Jupiter. Space Ranger's base contains a well-equipped laboratory and is where he docks his starship the Solar King [Come on, Rick. It's the 22nd Century. Closets were for the 1950s. You're not fooling anyone naming your ship 'Solar King'.]. To reach his asteroid base, Rick Starr uses a small spaceship that he keeps in a private hangar near the New York spaceport [Smaller, hunh? And the ship you use more often, right? "Solar Queen" perhaps? Does he have his 'Space Ranger' dildo painted on the side?].

The Space Ranger has two principal allies: Myra Mason, his girlfriend [His beard.], not only aids the Space Ranger in his adventures but--knowing his secret identity--also works as Rick Starr's secretary at Allied Solar Enterprises [Notice how even when male science fiction writers thought about the future, women were still somehow serving the same roles? On a recent episode of Star Trek (which is lauded for its portrayal of interracial relations, Captain Kirk says to Mr. Spock, "Mr. Spock, the women on your planet are logical. That is the only planet in this galaxy that can make that claim." Boy, I wish Uhura had been in that hallway to take the only logical action possible: slapping the shit out of the Captain.]; Cryll is a small shape-changing alien who watches over the asteroid base in Starr's absence and ["]accompanies["] the Space Ranger on his ["]adventures["]. Cryll was stranded on an asteroid beyond Pluto when his spaceship failed and was frozen when Starr found him. Thanks to Cryll's alien biology, Starr [Never gets him pregnant?] was able to revive him, and since then they've been good friends and allies [and lovers.].

Space Ranger has another hidden base on Earth. In this base he has working replicas of every kind of weapon [The Nazi War Wheel?], which he studies to see if they can be of use in his work as Space Ranger [I think this paragraph was shoved in by the editor to make the word count.].

The Space Ranger has defeated many criminals, would-be conquerors, and other menaces [Like gender inequality and traditional family values.]. One of his greatest battles was against an attempt by the Gordanians (see Gordanians) to capture the Earth. The Gordanians were thrwarted in this attempt by Space Ranger's ally from the past, Green Lantern Hal Jordan [How was it his greatest battle if it was fought by Hal Jordan?] (see Green Lantern II)."

"The Space Ranger has no super-powers, but he is a fine [and dandy] hand-to-hand combatant, and is a master of weapons. Among his weapons are his thermoblaze gun (which melts objects), his explosi-discs (which explode [No fucking shit.]), his dissolverizer [No, wait! Let me guess! It solves crimes perpetrated by insulting street-wise thugs?] (which dissolves objects [Oh! Of course!]), his anti-gravity gun [What? No explanation for this? Fuck you!], and his numbing gun, [I didn't add that comma but you might not realize that it's followed immediately after by a period because of my bracketed bullshit and the original parenthetical phrase.] (which projects rings of paralyzing energy).

The Solar King is armed with powerful weapons and can travel at incredible speeds through normal space and hyperspace thanks to a system Rick Starr invented.

Space Ranger's ally cryll can change his color and shape into that of any other living creature [Yes but can he become a lion with zebra stripes?]."

No comments:

Post a Comment