Batman #16

Knock Knock! Who's there? Interrupting Joker! Interrupting Jok...how the hell do you tell this joke in writing?

According to Scott Lobdell, The Joker knows everybody's secret identity. This was revealed in the Zero Issue where Lobdell insulted everybody's intelligence and possibly farted right in our mouths when he explained how The Joker created Jason Todd to be Batman's second Robin. That would mean that Scott Lobdell fucked up Scott Snyder's story the month before Death of the Family even started. But being that it was written by Scott Lobdell, I didn't fucking believe the story and promptly forgot it and washed out my mouth with soap and scrubbed my anus with a really rough washcloth. Super rough. Like Motel Six rough. So even if The Joker does know their secret identities, it's still a surprise to me because I never believe that Scott Lobdell knows what he's talking about. Especially now that I've read his own words about how he writes stories! He just wants to be surprised so he doesn't plan anything! Now I know for a fact that the end of Superman Zero where Superman was on Krypton was thrown in as he was finishing the story.

Scott Lobdell: "Hmm. This story is pretty awesomely awesome as it is. But it needs a big twist ending! And my stupid dumb know-it-all editor thinks my Narration Boxes in Superman's voice don't really make sense because they mention things that Superman has no way of knowing. Unless he was there to witness the events."
Scott Lobdell's penis: *BOING!*
Scott Lobdell: "You're right, Little Claremont! That's an awe-awesome-some idea! Superman will travel back in time in an attempt to save the planet! No, no! Don't think about how that'll happen! I want to be surprised too!"

How come I always end up talking about Scott Lobdell when I should be talking about Scott Snyder? Probably because it's fun! Maybe I should do my Scott Snyder impersonation too!

Scott Snyder: "*sigh* What the fuck do you want, Lobdell? I'm busy plotting and outlining the next Batman story."
Scott Lobdell: "Will it be a big crossover? Can I write in the Teen Titans?!"
Scott Snyder: "I think the fans are a bit burnt out on multi-comic crossovers. Why don't you go work on one of your multiple books? I'm busy here."
Scott Lobdell: "Nah, I still have two weeks before the scripts are due. I'm going to go fuck some prostitutes."
Scott Snyder: "Oh, you know what? This Batman script can wait. Let me grab my coat!"

Last issue, Batman entered Arkham Asylum because he replied "YES" to The Joker's Evite. He's greeted by the Arkham guards dressed up as Batmen and Jokers waltzing in the cells. Batman saves them by doing Bat-things. You know those things bat's do? They scream EMP Pulses and drop water absorbent bat turds.

Then this happens. Typical.

Batman's second challenge is to fight all of the non-super powered inmates of Arkham. I guess these are the thugs that are deemed crazy instead of just having bad judgment after being beaten by Batman. Perhaps anybody trying to commit crime in Gotham is labeled insane because you'd have to be crazy to think you could outwit Batman. Well they couldn't beat Batman to stay out of Arkham and they couldn't beat Batman while in Arkham. Once an insane, psychopathic flunkie, always a loser.

And then a tapestry of human asses. Cliché.

In The Joker's tapestry, what's the deal with The Joker with the baby? Is that a story I should be familiar with? Or is that a hint that The Joker did indeed take Jason Todd's baby brother?

Batman's third challenge is a series of encounters with his crazy, dysfunctional family. The first combatant is "his groundskeeper" Mr. Freeze. But that hardly ends up being a challenge. Batman doesn't even take the time to make a temperature joke! He's so grim. Maybe joking gives The Joker power so The Batman can't use any one liners while fighting people in Arkham. He has to act as if he's above all of the childish humor.

His second opponent is his "royal player" Clayface. Batman freezes him with Mr. Freeze's Freeze Gun. I guess The Joker found Clayface in post-coital bliss in his hotel room with Poison Ivy and forced him back to Arkham the way he forced The Penguin back.

Batman's third opponent is his "physician" The Scarecrow. Batman just recently put him back in Arkham. Batman uses a Bat-breather to defeat The Scarecrow even though he's already built up an immunity to The Scarecrow's new terror concoction. Once he's past The Scarecrow, he finally makes it to The Joker's hiding place and breaks in to find a seriously awesome tableaux.

That thing up front looks like The Chainsaw in the Stone. It's also wired up to something.

The sub-par Justice League are merely there to fail at pulling the chainsaw from the rock to show Batman that they're not worthy of being worshiped.

Batman bashes through the barricade on the other side of the door too late to save fake yet better written Superman. He does save big boned Wonder Woman though by cutting the power to the saw with a Batarang. But then The Joker drops some bars to keep Batman at bay and turns on the televisions nearby so that Batman will cry.

The Joker's been busy in between the time Batman left the Batcave and he arrived at Arkham!

Because Batman cares about what happens to his Bat-family, he allows The Joker to win. The Joker has set up an electric Throne for Batman to sit in and Batman eagerly takes his place and puts on his crown. And ZAAAP! That's it for Batman!

Until the back-up story which actually continues from the end of the main story but from the insane point of view. The Joker thanks the other big wigs for coming but their roles are now done. They don't take too kindly to that so The Joker cages them in the room while he gets Bats ready for the private party. Before rolling Batman away, he curb stomps Harvey Dent's self-esteem. Multiple times. And then he shows them something underneath the cover of a serving tray. I guess it's probably something pretty shocking. It's probably Alfred's penis.

Batman #16 Rating: No change, of course. It's still number one! Who wants to guess what's on the serving tray? I mean a real guess and not knowledge from leaked sources and fan sites. Can't nerds ever speculate on their own without a Google search? There might be a prize! Maybe a personalized drawing because I'm so good at the drawing arts. Or an old comic book (my choice!). But you can't guess Alfred's penis because that's what I've guessed.