Birds of Prey #15

This comic should be called Turds of Prey! Although I wish it were called "50 Birds of Grey" instead.

50 Birds of Grey
By Grunion Guy

Dinah Lance sat upon the leather duvet wearing only her panties. Dinah wasn't sure who clothed the duvet in her panties but she didn't mind. It gave the room one of those sexy qualities that you find on the back cover of an NC-17 DVD box. Dinah was wearing her tight fitting t-shirt from Hot Topic that said, "Unrated" across the front. She thought it gave forth a vibe of sexual tension, the kind you feel when you're all alone on the bus and a homeless person enters at the next stop and sits down in the seat across the aisle from you. She also had some really cute pants on.

Condor walked in and she said, "Hello, Condor," because she didn't know his real identity yet. But that didn't stop her from flirting with him. She licked her thumb and crossed her ankles in a way that said, "If I hadn't just masturbated recently, I would be all over your thing." Condor got the hint and went to see if Starling was drunk and horny yet.

Luckily for Condor, Starling was always drunk and horny! He said, "Come hither and let me put my man sausage into your premium ice cooler." Starling gasped at his effrontery and touched it with her left hand.

"I have been around the guns my entire life, Mr. Condor, but I have never handled one that had already gone off in the pants." Starling pulled her wet hand away and passed out. Condor changed his clothes but he wasn't embarrassed because sometimes that happens with men when they have to be around sexy duvets and women as well.

Katana entered and kissed Batgirl right on the mouth. Then they did it in the way that women do it without either of them having a penis. You know how that is! It's really sexy and super hot! It involves lots of rubbing and compliments! When both of them had their self-esteem raised by a good margin, they were done. They both smoked a cigarette. Katana smoked one made of Japanese incense and Batgirl smokes a bat-cigarette.

Suddenly Dinah Lance literally screamed her head off. Everyone else lost their heads too. But not in a gory way that would not be sexy. It was in an exciting way that would be mysterious and make everyone wonder what would happen in the next issue and whether or not tops would be removed.

The End!

Turds of Prey begins with a scene that Duane seems to think is the best thing in comics because it happened so many times last issue and a few times in previous issues as well.

"I don't think there has been enough falling off of buildings! You can't go wrong with people falling off of buildings!"

Black Condor is trying to get this Dagger Guy to talk. But since Condor doesn't really have any reason to be pumping a Dagger Clan Member for information, he never actually gets around to asking him any questions. Just a bunch of "You will talks!" and "Let's try this another ways!" But this moment does allow for him to find out some information that he didn't know he was seeking: Yokohama is about to be gassed or explodified or something and everyone is going to die.

Meanwhile the scattered Birds of Prey are regrouping at the place they ate sushi earlier. They didn't actually have a plan to regroup. They just all think alike and want to keep the action moving. Fine by me! Who wants to read twenty pages of Starling wandering around Yokohama yelling, "Black Canary! Bat-chick! Crazy Japanese Lady!"

Katana doesn't meet up with them because she was kidnapped by the Dagger Clan. Her husband was thrown into a smelter to be killed. And she was tied up so that the Dagger Clan Leader could taunt her. I forget why they're so interested in her. Did they ever have a reason? Knowing the way Duane writes, they may not have had a reason. It was probably just something like, "Katana disgraced us! We must spend many valuable resources and risk many lives kidnapping her back to Japan and torturing her. It's the only way we'll get any fucking sleep at night." Oh wait! I think the Dagger Clan Leader is going to explain his evil plan now! Let's listen in!

Okay, yes. That's the evil plan. But why do you want to punish her?

I guess I could get out the last couple of issues of Birds of Prey to see what I'm not remembering. But they're not worth rereading and knowing the way Duane Swierczynski (I wonder if I make him say his name backwards, I can be rid of him?) has been writing The Turds of Prey without any causality linking events, I probably wouldn't learn anything anyway.

Seeing as how I'm thinking about it right now and so I don't forget later: What the fuck happened with Poison Ivy?! You don't end issue #12 with everyone upset that Katana just killed Poison Ivy and then never mention it ever again! Is anyone at DC reading this comic book?

The Dagger Clan are so desperate to besmirch Tatsu's name for eternity that they're just going to sit down in the sewer with her and blow up with the bomb they've planted. That seems a bit ridiculous. Hey, Dagger Clan Leader, you know you can set up webcam or something to make sure she's still there and then take off to a remote location. Then instead of waiting for a stupid fucking timer on your bomb, set it off remotely once you're far enough away and you know Katana is still sitting on the bomb. How satisfying is it, really, to get vengeance but not live long enough to savor it?

I guess it's too late to argue the point now. Mr. Dagger Clan Leader has made his suicide cult and now he's got to die with it. Unless The Turds of Prey can stop his nefarious plot! Because here they are! The Turds of Prey to the rescue!

And the first thing Starling does is shoot Black Canary in the ass.

Black Canary takes out the majority of the Dagger Clan with the loudest scream she's ever screamed. Not because Starling shot her in the ass but because she had a vision of her husband, Kurt Lance. Luckily Black Canary gave the other Birds some ear plugs that keep them safe from her super loud mega scream while still allowing them to hear each other speak at normal tones. Hey, it's comic books! Why should I think anything is ridiculous, right? They probably got them from Batman and Batman can do anything!

Further down in the sewers, Katana has managed to escape and save her Husband the Sword. While she's battling for her life, Condor flies out from even further down in the sewers covered in shit and carrying the Dagger Claw Bomb. But that doesn't actually help anyone since they're all still surrounded by hundreds of Ninjas all ready to die in a gigantic bomb blast anyway. I think the best way for Duane to get them out of this situation is to end the comic now and then begin the next comic book with them all standing in an alley with amnesia. Fucking seriously. He's done it before!

The writing in this comic book isn't very good. But the worst part about this comic book is that it should be about characters but none of these characters shine at all. They're just empty shells in recognizable costumes moving from action point to action point. Sure, there are some minor shallow differences. Batgirl is responsible. Starling mouths off and drinks. Katana is stern and amoral. Black Canary is a fucking mess. But this comic could be fantastic if it were driven by the characters themselves. Just as a current example because I'm currently rereading it, Shade the Changing Man by Peter Milligan is an amazing example of a comic driven by the characters and their relationships with each other. Sure, a lot of crazy things unfold and they hop from one weird happening to the next. But those things are practically a backdrop to the way Lenny, Kathy, and Shade interact with each other. They are what make the comic book so good. Okay, Peter Milligan is the real reason! So maybe Duane just stinks at this. I've never read any of his mystery books. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he can write those.

I mention the characters because I kind of liked this moment. It's the first time I've ever liked any panel with Starling in it, I think!

Hey, I didn't say it was the best two panels in comics! I said it was two decent panels in this shitty comic!

After this, they continue to run down the stairs to go deeper into the sewer with Batgirl flinging her batgrapple down ahead of them for some reason. I guess she can't fucking walk anywhere. Damn, I didn't mean it like that! Sorry, Barbara Gordon! I didn't mean to be insensitive to your previous predicament.

Katana's big plan to end the violence after the other Birds arrive just in time for a double page splash is to cut the bomb in half with her magic sword. Her husband assures her that it won't detonate. Perhaps he can disarm bombs from within the sword. After she cuts the bomb in two, she stabs the Dagger Clan Leader in the vocal cords and tells the other Dagger Clan Members to knock it the fuck off. It's over.

And it is! It was that easy! I think most of them didn't really want to die in the first place so they were pretty thankful that Katana just saved the fucking day.

I hope Ann Nocenti explains why the Dagger Claws were after Katana! [Imagine lots and lots of canned studio laughter after reading that sentence.]

Once the Turds are back in Gotham, they discuss needing a new member. They don't actually mention anything about Poison Ivy because it must be a touchy subject. But now that they've lost Katana as well, they feel they need more power. And Batgirl has an idea! Before I turn the page, I should try to guess! The person should be bird (or at least flying rodent!) themed. Babs says it's a strange choice but no stranger than Poison Ivy. Could it be the mute Talon that she and Catwoman helped rescue?

I almost forgot about this Talon until I started flipping through the Who's Who covers for a possible female bird candidate. I was on the "C" issues when I remembered Little Miss Talon.

Birds of Prey #15 Rating: No change. This issue was actually much better than many of the past issues. I'm not giving it any raise in the ranks though because everyone is still ignoring the Poison Ivy Problem!