Blue Beetle #16

In this issue, Sky Wanker is squicked to death by Blue Beetle.

One of the strangest parts of commenting on comics is that the audience for comic books has a high nerd content. The nerd part isn't the problem. We're all totally nerdy about something and I fit into most of the major categories. The problem is the propensity to inform and correct. A lot of the time, I go for a joke by pretending to be ignorant of some given fact. Sometimes it's obvious and sometimes it's subtle. But people feel the need to correct me anyway. Even when I use exclamation points! That's usually a clue that I'm being facetious! But it isn't always! Sometimes it just means I'm trying to be exciting!

I just thought I would point out that the previous happens a lot. It doesn't bother me and I wouldn't want people to stop either! Because sometimes I really don't know what the fuck I'm talking about and I appreciate the correction! That exclamation point means that I totally don't appreciate the correction at all and who says I don't know shit? Stop talking about me behind my computer screen, you gossipy jerks! Now I need to think of some way to pretend I didn't just spaz out and begin writing about Blue Beetle.

Maybe if I just post a picture. That should get things started!

How about one of me in the most awesome shirt ever about 33 years ago? I've been a big science fiction nerd for longer than most of your parents have been alive! Somebody should have told this kid to stop fucking around!

As you can see by the shirt, this child would probably have loved the Blue Beetle comic. And then he would have cried his eyes out when he was told it was cancelled. Well, you little shit. It's over! Blue Beetle is cancelled! Live with it because what else can you do? Rage, rage against the canceling of this brilliant comic book. Possibly the best comic book DC ever released!

It's amazing how beautiful things look through the foggy glass of imminent loss. Even Legion Lost's last issue was kind of decent!

This issue begins deep in the past. It's creating a fond nostalgia for things the reader has never really experienced. But with endings on the reader's mind, he can't help but feel the loss of a more innocent time, a time when Jaime's life was easy and carefree.

When I was that little boy in the earlier picture, I used to go out in our driveway at night with a flashlight and shine it up into the sky. I would wonder at how far the light was traveling into the sky. I obviously couldn't see the beam going up too far but I would wonder where it was going. Was my tiny diffuse beam even penetrating space? And then I would inevitably wonder who might be seeing it. Were there alien beings taking notice of my signal? And if so, would they investigate? What might their intentions be? And then I'd click off the flashlight and run up the stairs and into the house, my skin covered in gooseflesh. But no matter how frightened the speculation made me, I would invariably wind up outside with my flashlight doing the same thing days later.

Jaime is currently dressed in his Blue Beetle armor far away from Earth on the planet Tolerance. He's been captured by Lady Styx's Ebon Guard and is about to be forced to participate in the greatest reality show in the universe: The Hunted! Jaime is not very excited about the sudden fame and lack of fortune.

I can't even say he hasn't met the right aliens yet. They almost all really, really suck.

Blue Beetle puts up a fight but it doesn't do much good. He's just a below average high school student and the parasitic bug that's attached to his spine is brain damaged. So their tactics could use some work. Plus, Jaime never wanted to fight, remember? Oh, you don't remember because I didn't scan that panel in. Well, lying on the grass, Jaime said he didn't want to fight and Brenda told him not to ever change. Probably because she liked having him as a friend and if he changed, he'd probably turn into a hormonal pervert that was constantly thinking of her really cute ass. And her freckles too. Although Marcio Takara has something against drawing freckles. Whatever.

As Blue Beetle begins to realize he's being inducted in an outer space version of Battle Royale (Good choice, Jaime! Screw The Hunger Games! Although I haven't it yet or seen the movie), Sky Wanker drops in and starts whooping some Ebon Guard ass! I'm pretty sure they have asses. If they don't, I don't want to know how they eliminate waste. Maybe through the pores in their skin which is why they're a dark blackish blue color?

Meanwhile on Earth, Marcio remembers the freckles!

She's so cute! Not as cute as Ig Guara's version of her. And not as adorable as Sorentino's Vampire Tig! Please nobody tell Vampire Tig that I was admiring another woman!

That's everybody Jaime knows receiving emails and video recordings and texts from him. I don't know what that's about. Maybe the Scarab is letting them all know that Jaime is dead so that they'll leave him alone once and for all and the Scarab can manipulate Jaime into destroying the world. Or maybe somebody stole Jaime's phone (probably Booster Gold! Fucking time traveling thief!).

Once Sky Wanker saves Blue Beetle, Sky Wanker ends up in a couple dozen pecks of trouble. And Blue Beetle can't leave another human to be torn apart by aliens. Even if that other human is thousands of years old and should be dead and is in love with a suit of alien armor and keeps wanting to shove the scarab into one of his various orifices. It really has gotten nearly that graphic.

Maybe Jaime can introduce Sky Walker to his grandmother?

The message to Jaime's friends and family was from Blue Beetle letting them know that Jaime is not dead and that he'll be home as soon as he can. He tells them all that he loves them and to take care of themselves. So of course instead of being comforted, everybody is now extremely worried for Jaime. And they should be. Because Sky Wanker is killed and Blue Beetle's battle doesn't turn out so well.

I bet I forget to slap Ted Kord's face on him when he begins appearing in Threshold!

Blue Beetle #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. This series was wrapped up really well. Sure Jaime is still stuck a gadzooksillion miles in space and his family is worried and Brenda didn't show her ass once in this comic book. But it's nice to see a comic book end on such a downer while being true to everything that has gone before. And Blue Beetle will continue in Threshold! I hope Tony Bedard continues to write any Blue Beetle back-up stories when they appear. I don't imagine he'll get the top spot in any issues any time soon since his comic book was canceled and readers might not look too kindly on DC sneaking a canceled super hero directly into a new title.

Bye Brenda! I'll miss you!