Green Lantern Corps #16

I'm tired of using doors too! If there's one thing I've learned from comic books, if you're in a hurry, just bust through a fucking wall, floor, or ceiling. Bad guys do it. Good guys do it. Hot shot photographers for the Daily Planet do it. Probably. I may not be able to visually confirm that last one. But I wouldn't put it past him!

Has there ever been a Green Lantern that refuses to use his Green Lantern Light in such pedestrian ways? A hammer, Simon Baz? Really? You've got the most powerful weapon in the universe and you use it to create a weapon that any thug or four year old child could get her hands on? I guess the exaggerated size of your tool makes up for it being on the low end of the technological scale. At least create a hammer that you don't have to hold on to so you could make it fly around the room and attack at range. Oh! Maybe make TWO hammers like that! Maybe that would take too much concentration. And maybe this whole image is just a metaphor for masturbation anyway. "Choking the Ginger." "Solitary Confinement." "Hammering the Hole." "Gripping the Handle." "Blowing a Hole in the Ceiling." "Peter J. Tomasi."

Guy Gardner is in jail because he thought he was "Blowing Off Steam" last issue but instead he was "Interfering with an Undercover Investigation." He's no longer a Green Lantern because he discovered the secret weakness of the Onan's Oan's Third Army. When exposed to masturbation, the Borg Lanterns could only stare helplessly at the erotic act. And since Guy Gardner is the greatest masturbater the Green Lantern Corps has ever been witness to, the Oans took back his ring.

Heh heh. He said "unabated." Stop writing my commentary for me, Mr. Guardian.

Now seems like the perfect time to take care of Guy Gardner once and for all. He's the greatest threat to the Guardians (if you believe me, that is. You could argue that Kyle or Hal or Sinestro is a bigger threat but I'll just win the argument by ignoring you and having a more popular blog) so they tell their Borg Lanterns to "acquire his bio-signature" (you know, follow his spunk trail) and "assimilate" him. They actually use the word assimilate. Apparently the Guardians of the Universe get all of their best ideas from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Speaking of Star Trek: The Next Generation and masturbation, I bet Wesley Crusher just fouled the fuck out of the holodeck with his not-quite-yet-a-man-juice. And it makes sense, right? In the 1970s and 1980s, kids had to find their wank material in bushes and abandoned fields and their father's bottom drawers. Then the internet came along and now kids can just log on to the family computer and find all the masturbation material they need. By the time space travel and starships are invented, it would make sense that the ability to find masturbation material would have escalated as well. And the holodeck would barely even seem like masturbation! I wonder if Picard had parental locks put on the holodeck controls.

Picard: "Number Two. How long has Wesley been in the holodeck this afternoon?"
Riker: "One hour, fifteen minutes and forty seven seconds. Of course this is his fifth time using it today. And he's reserved it for four more sessions later."
Picard: "That's an awful lot of training exercises. Perhaps we're working him too hard?"
Riker: "I don't think that's what he's doing, sir. He's Troubling the Tribble, if you get my meaning."
Picard: "Oh. Did we not have parental locks put on the Holodeck to prevent this sort of abuse?"
Riker: "The kid is a fucking technological genius. You don't think he guessed your password 'FLUTE1234'?"
Picard: "Well then. Chalk it up to kids being kids, I guess!"
END CREDITS.

You know, I was going to stay away from jail ass rape and drop the soap jokes while Guy was in prison. But with images like this, I guess I have to point out that snowballing seems to be the favorite sexual past-time in this prison. And I think the bets are that Guy can't go a week without masturbating.

Guy's brother and sister come to visit him in jail to find out what the fuck is going on with him. Where'd his Green Lantern ring go? Why did he get arrested screwing up an FBI investigation? All of his responses are glib, snarky, Superboy-esque answers. Guy is acting like a complete douchebag while his siblings are simply trying to help him get out of jail. So Guy's sister does what Superman should have fucking done to Superboy in Superboy Annual #1.

That guard is enjoying this a little bit too much. The Guardians would not approve.

Guy Gardner's sister is cute. I hope this comic spins off into a Green Lantern Family comic book where they all get Green Lantern rings. Maybe it could become a half hour sitcom on Fox.

The slaps and the yelling do not get Guy to stop pitying himself. What finally snaps him out of his pouting are the Borg Lanterns that suddenly attack the jail looking to assimilate his ass. Too bad Guy isn't an overly snobbish assassin so I could have typed "assimilate his high class assassin's ass." Being that Guy was a Green Lantern and the guards don't want to turn into mouthless monsters, they let him out of the handcuffs and allow him to take lead against the Borg Lanterns.

Meanwhile John Stewart and Fatality are dealing with Mogo's splintered sexuality.

I'm pretty sure this is all semantics.

Fatality catches John up on everything that has been going on in New Guardians which makes John realize that the Guardians are once again up to no good and sending him into the far reaches of space to chase down the pieces of a planet was just a way to get him out of their gray hair.

Back on Earth, Guy and his siblings are rescued by B'dg the Space Squirrel and Simon Baz the new Green Lantern of Earth. I have a feeling I probably should have read Green Lantern #16 first but I really doubt it matters much. That issue will probably deal with Simon and B'dg heading back to B'dg's nest so that Simon can recharge his ring and learn a little bit about his new job as a cosmic protector.

With Guy's leadership, B'dg contains the Borg Lanterns while Simon Baz flies off to steal a bunch of missiles from a nearby National Guard Base. So the most powerful weapon in the universe can't simulate a missile? Does Green Light not have the capability to explode? Has a Green Lantern never made explosives or fire with the Power Ring? I'm starting to think the ring isn't the most powerful weapon in the galaxy at all if all it can make are blunt instruments.

Guy watching a squirrel masturbate.

The missiles incinerate the Borg Lanterns and Guy heads off to the moon to get a synopsis of what's been going on. B'dg was sent to Earth by Salaak to find Hal Jordan but instead ended up rescuing Baz and Guy. Baz's ring has a warning for the Green Lantern Corps: "The Guardians are trying to destroy us!" Now if Guy could only get his ring back. Perhaps he'll have B'dg create a ring for him in the same way that Hal Jordan received a ring from Sinestro? That seems like a handy solution for every problem! More Green Lantern Rings! Green Lantern Rings for everyone!

Green Lantern Corps #16 Rating: No change. I think Guy and Baz are going to get along really well as long as Guy stops being a dick to him every chance he gets. Maybe Guy and Superboy should star in a comic book together where they can just snap back at each other for twenty pages. This was a pretty decent issue because it had a squirrel in it.