Monday, January 28, 2013

Catwoman #16

Is this how Catwoman ends up on Justice League America? To payback Steve Trevor for all the shit she damaged in the Black Room?

Catwoman was eclipsed last issue in one of the worst, convoluted, sphincter widening comics I've had the pleasure to read. Although it did introduce the Black Arm of Dan Donnelly! It's kind of like a parrot except it's a mummified arm of a boxer. I guess that doesn't sound anything like a parrot. But since it was somehow saying, "Yeah! Yeah! Rope a dope, bitch! Rope. The Fucking. Dope!" last issue after Catwoman gave an oral report on what a rope-a-dope is, it seemed like a parrot to me. I really hope it becomes Catwoman's sidekick. Or at least her sex toy.

Let's get on with the action and see if we can't make sense of any of it, shall we?

Someone named Rafa forgot that Catwoman currently has pointy Eclipso ears!

That Black Diamond is much smaller than it's supposed to be. But that could be because it's shedding tiny Black Diamonds all over the the floor. Perhaps that's the way Eclipso works. I seem to remember the 90s Eclipso company wide crossover having shards of Black Diamond all over the place infecting all the major heroes or their supporting cast. And I don't know why Darwin is so frantic and outraged. He let her into this room through the unguarded door that apparently leads from the Cryptography Department to the super secret secure warehouse full of mystical and dangerous goodies.

Now that Catwoman has defeated the normal guards, who will attack her next? Dr. Mist? Dr. Peril? Dr. Fate? Dr. Thirteen? Dr. Occult (wait? Was that the guy killed in The House of Secrets over in JLD?)? Dr. Alchemy? Some magic person that doesn't have a higher education? Perhaps Bachelor Fate? Or Master Mist?

Until the next wave of ARGUS defenders make themselves known, Darwin tries to talk some sense into Catwoman as The Black Arm of Dan Donnelly battles a demon in the background.

Her pointy ears are back!

I'm glad Ann Nocenti got the Dudwin/Darwin exchange in again. I didn't get enough of that last issue.

So Dudwin continues to try to explain to Catwoman why she's acting crazy and why she should stop acting crazy. Perhaps if his argument were logical enough, I might believe he could convince a crazy person to not be crazy anymore. But his argument is crazy stupid. His argument boils down to Catwoman should not act crazy because one scary gem plus one liquid map plus one person that hired Catwoman equals "apocalyptic multiverse time-continuum-destroying damage." Yeah, I can see that. But a crazy person isn't going to see that! Geez, Dudwin. Get a degree in something other than Cartography if you want to be useful.

The debate ends during a close-up shot of Catwoman's ass being kissed by the liquid map. Oh, you want to see that? Fine.

I can't think of a single reason a liquid map would want to kiss that ass with its tongue multiple times and across every square inch. Not one reason.

Catwoman's claws come out once she's touched inappropriately by a normally inanimate and not at all fluid object. She begins threatening all of the weird shit in the room while Darwin tells her about the demon. His name is Escalate and he apparently escalates whatever is currently happening. So she needs to stop fighting with the demon and begin making out friends with it. Although the Black Arm of Dan Donnelly can only punch and parrot shit, so escalating that is going to get seriously annoying.

Here's a peak into Darwin's mind in case you thought I was being unfair when I sort of hinted that he was stupid and useless.

Complete and utter chaos is exploding around Darwin and he's concerned that his name is being made fun of.

Once Darwin thinks that, I just stop reading everything he has to say. I just make up his end of the conversation on my own. I should also just make up everything Catwoman says as well. And maybe get a black marker to just fill in the Narration Boxes. Because Darwin continues to point out that Catwoman is crazy and Catwoman continues to act crazy because she's possessed by the Black Diamond. In between discussing their situation, Catwoman fights with the Escalator.

Oh! Oh! I know how Catwoman can defeat the Escalator! She just has to flash her boobies! Because when does an Escalator stop moving? When it Stairs! Ha ha ha! I should collect all of the jokes I've made up during these commentaries and put them together in a very, very, very short book.

Catwoman doesn't use my tactic because she's crazy. Otherwise she totally would have gotten naked to defeat the demon. Instead, The Black Arm of Dan Donnelly remembers that he always fought for the underdog and decides the cat is the dog in this fight. It punches the Escalator and Catwoman whips the Escalator and the Escalator finally returns to the pages of the Devil's Codex.

All that's left is a way out!

Here's a thought: exit through the secret trapdoor that leads to the Map Room!

They break through the wall in the tank without a word from General Stuart. Catwoman, back in her frumpy scientist disguise, collapses and is placed in an ambulance. The page of the Devil's Codex with her new worst demon enemy also manages to escape disguised as a piece of toilet paper stuck to her shoe. She then ditches the ambulance as Catwoman and heads back to dump the Black Diamond off with Trip. Trip then takes it to the home of "Bruce Gordon" who pays for its retrieval. The man in the home of "Bruce Gordon" goes by the name Alex Montez. Bruce Gordon was the original host of Eclipso who later learned Eclipso was just distracting him because Bruce Gordon was the preeminent solar scientist on Earth and, apparently, Eclipso's most dangerous foe. Apparently Bruce Gordon is now simply an alias of Alex's since his name appears in quotes. Alex Montez is the Arkham scientist that was trying to perfect the Mr. Hyde Serum in Team 7 #2. And now he's got the Black Diamond again! And he's going to get vengeance on someone!

Finally, Trip tells Catwoman he has secrets and he supposes she has secrets so maybe they should get together sometime and tell each other their secrets? Catwoman says, "Sure. But not right now. I have cramps." And that's the end of the Eclipso crossover!

Catwoman #16 Rating: -2 Ranking. It was so awful I think I was Eclipso'd!

Wait. That's not right. Whatever. It sucked!

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