Sunday, January 6, 2013

Batman: The Dark Knight #15

So it was these guys playing Giant Rooftop Chess in Catwoman #13!

I did a quick consultation with Lord Google to make sure that it was Catwoman #13 that featured the game of Rooftop Chess and for once he was more than helpful!

Me: "Lord Google: Catwoman #13."
Lord Google: "Well, right mate, you could be a little more specific. I mean, what do you want to know about it? Raya Sandoval? Ann Nocenti? Rooftop Chess Game? Featured as a Death of the Family tie-in but was a waste of money for anybody reading it for that reason?"
Me: "Thanks, Lord Google! That's all I neeed!"
Lord Google: "Are you sure? You don't need to know anything else? What about the fact that Community Season Four begins airing on February 7th?!"
Me: "Oh! That's good news! Thanks, Lord Google, for actually supplying me with information I didn't know I was looking for but was! You're an evil, information-stealing, megagenius and you deserve to rule the world eventually!"
Lord Google: "Pip pip! Jolly ho! Nice of you to say so! I'll see you in hell!"

This issue begins with Batman in bed recuperating and watching television when he hears the news that The Scarecrow is fucking shit up in Gotham Square, blimp style! This looks like a job for Batman!

Are you fucking kidding me?! You could have prevented all of this shit from going down if you'd just worn that the first time you knew you were raiding The Scarecrow's hideout! Somebody has a secret desire to huff fear toxin.

At this point (and I'm sure I've said this at many, many points previous to this time saying it), I don't understand why anybody lives in Gotham City. How does anybody get anything done from day to day? Batman might eventually beat the bad guy but a whole lot of people are continuously dying and getting maimed before that happens. So far this Reboot, we've had Terminus scarring everyone to look like Batman, The Saturn Club turned a bunch of people into cannibalistic zombies (and I know this ended up being a Death of the Family tie-in but I'm fairly certain the Saturn Club will be back without the Joker when editorial gets off Tomasi's ass about crossovers), The Talons dropped explosive balloons all over the city, The Joker used dust spread by Kid Flash to turn more people into crazed Joker Thugs, children were stolen and people attacked by Urban Legends and mythological creatures, and now The Scarecrow is gassing everyone and turning them into raving lunatics. And I'm sure I've forgotten some in this synopsis! Every second of every day, a citizen of Gotham has to worry about being mugged, shot, set on fire, turned into a cannibal, turned into a crazy person, turned into one of Joker's thugs, having their children stolen, having their property damaged by Batgirl, Nightwing, Batman, Robin, Batwoman, or Red Hood, and so many other crazy, random happenstances. At least they don't have to worry about Jason Blood and Tommy Monaghan anymore!

Batman hits the front lines but can't do much. The people he needs to protect are the people violently attacking him and each other and themselves. He needs an antidote!

The toxin is made of Scarecrow pee and children's tears. So the antidote is probably old man tears and Batman pee! Hurry, someone make Alfred cry and Batman can pee on his face!

Batman realizes the same thing I've just realized: he's the secret to the antidote! He rushes off to meet with Alfred in Lucius Fox's laboratory to begin work on the cure. While he's waiting, Alfred begins reading Chris Ware's Building Stories to get the water works going.

DC is making it so easy to continue my fantasy that the Scarecrow has been pissing in children's faces throughout this entire story line! I mean, that's what's actually been happening!

Since there isn't enough sadness in the world to make Alfred shed even one tear, Batman pisses directly into the aerosol diffuser. He intends to douse everyone in Gotham Square in Batpiss! I guess they're already crying from their fear, so that should mix with the bat pee mist which will create enough of an airborne antidote to counteract the airborne toxin! Batman is a super genius! He's found a way to save Gotham via a Golden Shower!

Batman is severely dehydrated from his earlier encounter with The Scarecrow, so he uses his blood instead of his pee. Or maybe that's how it was supposed to work all along. He flies about Gotham spraying his blood all over the citizens until he's about to pass out. He has Damian take over remotely because he knows Damian won't stop until the job is complete. And pretty soon, the job is complete!

And The Batman is dead!

Alfred manages to have enough tea on hand to save Batman's life but just barely. And he's not at all happy that Bruce nearly killed himself. Hopefully Bruce joking about nearly dying and Alfred's subsequent tea throwing response wasn't the last conversation they had before The Joker kidnapped Alfred. But I have a feeling it might have been.

Afterward, Batman tracks down The Scarecrow with the help of the little girl from earlier. The Scarecrow sees the little girl in Gordon's car and gives up without a fight. Or maybe he just passed out from the loss of blood since he never got that hole stitched up after Batman blew off half of his jaw with the Batgrapple.

After everything is said and done, Bruce goes to watch Natalya play her concert. They go home together so he can look like a fairly good guy before he dumps her ass for the next hot woman with a major career who comes along. See, he only goes for women who have invested a lot of time in becoming the top of their field. That way he can dump them while they think the relationship just wasn't working because they and Bruce are just both too busy with their respective careers! Also he probably pees on them a little bit and they get freaked out.

Next issue: The Mad Hatter!

Batman: The Dark Knight #15 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic has come a long way since its first Scarecrow story. Wow that thing was horrendous. But now it's delivered the Scarecrow story that it probably should have begun with. I wonder if there will be another Scarecrow story after the Mad Hatter story?


  1. Looking forward to your commentary on the Mad Hatter stuff since he's supposed to be remade into a Timothy Leary/Charles Manson-like figure.

    Bat-Pee as an antidote to anything other than Athlete's Foot is just plain funny:)

    I surprised you didn't use religious jokes like the lines from the Last Supper when Batman sprays his blood on everyone. "Flesh of my flesh, blood and or pee from my blood/pee" or This is my pee, I mean blood drink it...and hopefully you don't turn into an angry, Avenger of the night who pees on people to cure them of some whacked-out asshole's fear gas.

    1. I was wondering how they were going to make the Mad Hatter threatening. I suppose Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum will be rebooted into child molesters.

  2. Probably. I think the thing with the Mad Hatter has always been that there's this vibe or feeling that he's a child molester himself. Not only is he hopelessly fixated on all things pertaining to the Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass, but particularly young girls that look like his vision of Alice. I don't how else the Hatter's going to be portrayed a s a serious threat to Batman, other than preying on innocent children, and the knowledge that Batman can't save them all.