Unless fish have started to poop kryptonite, Superman must be taking a nap in the background. Why waste his time fighting a villain from the sea? Let the Sea King handle it! Superman needs to save his energy for the real threats from space.
Now, I know it's not cool to make fun of Aquaman currently. That was last century's comic book fans. A bunch of ignorant barbarians. We're a much better people now. We're more sophisticated. So it may seem like I'm hopelessly out of touch with the modern view of comics when I slip right back into the comfort of laughing at the sea king. But I'm just living in reality! It's only a matter of time before even the loyal comic book readers go back to the status quo and begin treating Aquaman like the fish biscuit he's always been.
The main group of people that refuse to make fun of Aquaman are those solidly in the Us (comic book readers) versus Them (socially active people) camp. They want to prove that people that make fun of Aquaman are ignorant of his actual powers and abilities. But this stand isn't about Aquaman at all. It's about one upping those other jerks that think they're so cool drinking alcoholic beverages and kissing women on the mouth. Defending Aquaman is never about Aquaman. Let's face it. We all know he's the worst Justice League member ever. Defending Aquaman is about making oneself look more knowledgeable than those that would demean Aquaman. It's about feeling superior. "You make fun of Aquaman because you just don't get him. *snrt*"
I assure you all: I get him! But I will stand by my right to make fun of him! It's in the fucking constitution, people! Also, I want to fit in with those people drinking and kissing! "Aquaman fucks fish, amirite?" Now somebody fetch me a drink and kiss me on the mouth already!
For those staunch advocates of Aquaman's super coolness, let's take a quick look at his entry from the 1985 Who's Who.
Excerpt from the "Powers & Weapons" section: "...if Aquaman remains out of contact with water for more than an hour, he weakens, slips into a coma, and will ultimately die."
Aquaman #16: "Can the Doctors Discover the TERRIBLE SECRET of THE SEA KING before it's too late?!"
Aquaman #17: "TO PULL THE PLUG OR NOT TO PULL THE PLUG?!"
Aquaman #18: "Funeral at sea."
Aquaman #19: "The MIRACULOUS recovery of ARTHUR CURRY!"
But that was the old Aquaman. At some point, people realized making him vulnerable to dryness lacked a certain amount of heroic flavor. Unless he was still suffering from that up until the Preboot! But now he's not even vulnerable to snide remarks about his silly powers. He's full of self-esteem and a deep loathing for humankind. He's grim and gritty and can deflect bullets with his super tough skin. And I'm sure that in the pages of Justice League and Aquaman, he'll garner respect from Batman and Superman. Perhaps he'll eventually stop being an after thought when people name the members of the Justice League. Perhaps. But not in my commentaries!
Before I get to the commenting part of this commentary, here's a picture of Aquaman as reinterpreted by my friend Doom Bunny's daughter Janie.
This costume is 85% cooler than his normal one!
I hope it wasn't Harvey that was yelling for Barbara!
Speaking of the people in Metropolis, Vulko and Superman engage in some pre-dialogue violence. That's always the most unavoidable violence. One person says, "Calm down." And the other person says, "There's no time!" And they beat each other up for a little bit. And then one of them says, "I'm sorry but you have to listen!" And the other one says, "Fuck you, you asshole, why the fuck did you punch me in the face if you just wanted my help, you crazy son of a squid!" And then Vulko says, "We need King Arthur!"
Mera gets put on clean-up detail because she's a woman (unless it's because she can manipulate water and drain the cities although I think that's just an excuse because Aquaman and Batman don't want to fucking clean up) while Batman and Aquaman discuss what's happening. Hey hey hey! What's happening?
Okay guys, don't start hitting each other now. Just figure out who sabotaged the submarine and get busy kicking that person's ass.
Fucking Batman and his land dweller bullshit! So it's your right to make people pay for death and destruction but other people don't have that right to bring retribution on your people? You know, I used to like you, Batman. But reading The New 52, I realize you're a money grubbing, gentrifying, imperialist, holier-than-thou dickfaced weasel fucker. I think it's time for Dick Grayson to take your place permanently.
Cyborg begins trying to organize the Justice League so that they can drive back the Atlantean army. He mentions that The Flash is busy fighting monkeys but it's unrelated to this attack. Wow, Cyborg! Way to make a call! I guess he could have been fighting Sea Monkeys though. And Cyborg can be forgiven since he's half-robot and he doesn't always know when some things don't need to be said. The rest of the Justice League meet on the satellite to discuss their next move.
Wonder Woman takes Batman's side and decides that anything the United States does is an accident or okay by the terms of war. But Orm's retaliation against the Land Dwellers after Atlantis was attacked is the stuff of super villains and he's a murderer. The Justice League is full of fascists. But they let Aquaman go to speak with Orm and try to straighten this mess out.
Eh. Go ahead. It's just fucking Boston.
And guess what happens when the Big Three arrive to force everyone to do things their way? Aquaman gets violent and begins choking Batman. Why are these super heroes so fucking high strung? Boston is already a complete wasteland. I'm pretty sure Aquaman has plenty of time to discuss things with Orm before anybody needs to be punched in the nose. Especially fucking Superman. He's SUPERMAN! Take a fucking laxative, bitch. As soon as Orm gets uppity, fly down at him at superspeed and kick his ass. Now Batman I can see overreacting because Batman really needs to get the first strike to gain the upper hand, being mortal and fragile and all. But Superman needs some goddamned patience.
Aquaman #15 Rating: No change. So the comic ends with Aquaman's hand around Batman's throat. Things escalate so quickly in comic books! If real life were like comics, I imagine just asking my mother for a bowl of cereal while growing up would end with one of us in the hospital. Hmm, that's a bad example since that's exactly what breakfast was like growing up. But you get the idea! Every class discussion at school would be a brawl. Debates would be knife fights. Romantic dates would be full of kidnapping, murder, and rape which would make them indistinguishable from fraternity dates. Live entertainment would end in genocide! But at least the drama would sell!
The commentary as always, is damn funny, but I myself just don't get the major hate for Aquaman. I'm not one of those Aquaman-Apologists or anything, but he's good for more than just silly fish jokes. I think Peter David's run on Aquaman proved that. Sure he was one hell of a cranky motherfucker, but I attribute that to having to deal with years and years of being shit on and generally dismissed as "that silly guy who talks to fish." Sure he does that too, but he's a lot more powerful and formidable than that.
ReplyDeleteI guess it's just another case of to each his own on the topic of Aquaman.
I'm not entirely sure how to respond to this without revealing the secret of the illusion. My voice is generally much closer to my own in answering comments than when writing commentaries and it feels like answering questions like this betrays the voice of the commentary. It exposes the lie. Here's how I responded to an Aquaman Apologist on my Tumblr post of this commentary:
Delete"Every time Aquaman would have a reboot, I was right there to read a good Aquaman story! The new suit. The hook and beard. Now the reboot. Invariably, I would just get bored. Although I like Peter David's writing, I don't remember how well I liked that version. I'll be rereading it soon and hopefully enjoying it.
I like some of what Johns is doing this time around but I'm not a big fan of Johns' pacing in his stories."
Hmm. Let me add this as well: I think the extreme to which people hate or love Aquaman is funny. I absolutely love this aspect of Johns' Reboot of Aquaman: the tongue in cheek way he's dealing with people's hatred for the character, the way other people disrespect and mock him. Aquaman takes it in stroke and seems unfazed by it. Although you see in the way Mera treats him that Aquaman does care what the humans think of him because he is such a fish out of water amongst them.
How else can I phrase this? To me, Aquaman doesn't matter as much as finding a way to make my commentary funny. Aquaman is a casualty of war here. One of the most successful things of The New 52 was turning the tide in Aquaman's favor. But it didn't just cause people to say, "Holy shit. DC made Aquaman cool." Waves of people began proclaiming, "I have always loved Aquaman and fuck all of those people that thought he was a joke." Many more people than I ever saw defending the poor sod when he was down on his luck.
I found myself caught in a rip curl of rebellion and acting not in any response to Aquaman or who he was but swimming against the current of current opinion toward him. Yes, Aquaman has fans. He has die hard fans. But those fans had suddenly found their band-yacht full of phony pirates and land lubbers, posers and dirt kickers.
And so here I am at the end finally revealing my secret, justifying my position, very possibly ruining the joke: It is not Aquaman that fills the sails driving me to make fun of Aquaman. It is precisely because Aquaman's stories do not exist in a tide pool. Do not make the mistake that my commentaries on Aquaman's comic are simply commentaries on Aquaman's comic.
No I get you man, you're entertaining, and in character, I get I do;)
ReplyDeleteSame here, but maybe not as much.
And I definitely get your point about people who no-doubt used to shit ol' Arthur, now defending him as if they always had or some shit like that. Now that really is disgusting and thus worthy of poser status.
As for myself, I'm not super-big fan, but I think that's due to who writes him and how he's portrayed. I liked Peter David's run for a bit, and like you got bored and moved on, even though the art between Martin Egland and Peter Califlore was fucking awesome.
The only really somewhat recent time I can say I've truly enjoyed Aquaman as a character, was when he was in Morrison's JLA, and that's because Morrison can write just about anything, be it a book about a cat's litter box or something, and it'd be good.
Anyhoo, back on point here, I get it, and maybe one day AQ will one day reach the top tier like he's supposed to. Or else he can dig up a time machine like the one Dr. Doom has, and go back to his hayday in the 1940's. Either way right?