Saturday, January 26, 2013

New Guardians #16

Time to see Kyle get his brains fucked out by the Star Sapphire version of Kilowog.

According to the first page of New Guardians, Kyle Rayner's ability to show love is severely retarded. It's a queer thing, seeing as how he grasped the other emotions so quickly. I just assumed everyone would have a gay old time while Kyle learned about loving and caring for others. But I was fucking wrong about that shit because his cunt of an old man ditched his ass when he was just six years old. So, you know, he kind of began burying his feelings or something.

Since tapping into his early years when his father left didn't pan out, the Star Sapphires try another moment when he should have been able to express his feelings.

G'nort! Arisia! Tomar-Re! The crystal guy, umm, Chaselon! Kilowog! Salaak! B'dg (or Ch'p. But it looks more squirrely than badgery). And the other lesser known human Green Lanterns!

I'm glad G'nort has been acknowledged as existing (or having existed since this is a flashback) in The New 52. That was all I really needed to know. The other character I can't wait to see is Ambush Bug since he obviously exists in The New 52 whether DC wants him to or not. A change in continuity can't hold him back!

As the narrative finds its way out of Kyle's memories and back to Zamaron (which has now found its way back to Sector 1416 where it belongs), we learn that Sapphire 3 (the female Kilowog) does not have enough time to get past first base and really teach Kyle about love because Ganthet is coming to kill Kyle Raynor. DC has really gone crazy on the "shoot your own dog" motif this month. I probably should have been keeping a list detailing every moment when someone needed to end the life or put a stop to someone they were responsible for. I think it's all leading up to Batman shooting his insane clown dog in the creek with the rest of the Bat-family hot on their trail looking for blood.

And then the meeting that will eventually teach Kyle how to love begins.

In the next panel, Ganthet "FWASHES" Kyle. Some of you now what that means. I just thought it was too awkward to scan because who wants to see the man you think of as your father's vagina?

Kyle and Ganthet battle to a stalemate until the Star Sapphires arrive to help him. It's at this point that Kyle begins to show that he loves Ganthet although he's still very hesitant couching it in terms like "Don't kill him!" and "I'd promise Sayd I'd save him!" Come on, Kyle! You'll never save him while you continue to hide behind ulterior motives for not wanting to destroy him. You want him to live because you WUV HIM!

Just as Kyle and the Star Sapphires have Ganthet on the ropes, his army of Borg Lanterns appears looking to destroy love since love often leads to masturbation when one partner is simply too tired or ejaculates early and falls asleep on top of you. And the Guardians of the Universe simply can't have any of that going on in their Universe. But the Star Sapphires are hyper-focused on taking out Ganthet and they just kind of ignore the Borg Lanterns.

And then Ganthet FWASHES Kyle one more time, nearly killing him. That's totally understandable.

And just like a scene from Halloween some after school special, as Kyle lies there mortally wounded by the man he considered his father, he learns the greatest lesson of all! Love stinks. I mean, love is forgiveness. Kyle forgives his dad and forgives himself and forgives Ganthet too. But Kyle should also realize that this means rage is forgiveness too, right? Maybe rage is the not forgetting part! Anyway, it's not really important what love is. Is it really forgiveness or is it actually manipulation? Not even the greatest philosophers or that tootsie pop owl can answer that question! Anyway, learning his lesson, Kyle becomes the first man in the universe to wield love effectively and thus transform into The Rainbow Lantern!

His new name should be RAF W. HCL!

Now when Kyle uses his power, his ring says, "Life." And then all of the Borg Lanterns disintegrate and Ganthet runs away with his ponytail between his legs. And now that Kyle can destroy the Borg Lanterns with a wave of his hand, that means that a large percentage of the universe's population is about to be wiped out. Since, you know, so many of them have already been converted. Time to teach those Borg Lanterns that any love is good love!

New Guardians #16 Rating: No change. Is that all it takes to become the most powerful person in the universe? To be the most angry, selfish, intimidating, stubborn, optimistic, and caring lover in the universe? Damn. I should be a White Lantern! I get through all of those emotions every time I masturbate! Is the fact that Kyle is now all in white and shoots white goop out of his fingers a metaphor for something?

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