Justice League #15

Look at how angry Batman is because he's not the center of attention.

I bet Batman is wondering how Aquaman's lousy crossover made it into the pages of The Justice League but The Court of Owls and Death of the Family didn't warrant any Justice League space. Sure, the Justice League fought some Talons on an airplane as Green Arrow begged them to let him join but the front cover didn't tag the crossover so it didn't count. I don't think any other comic book wanted Aquaman, so Geoff Johns could only tell The Throne of Atlantis story in books he was writing. And Green Lantern is busy with its own shitty crossover (well, it's not that shitty! I'm actually enjoying it except for the part where everyone should have stopped trusting the Guardians of the Universe twenty years ago) and besides, what good would Aquaman be in space?

The comic begins with a submarine accidentally launching nuclear missiles into the ocean floor in the middle of the Atlantic. It may or may not have been an act of sabotage and the missiles may or may not have hit Atlantis or an outlying Atlantean community or maybe it just blew a hole in The Trench to free the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers. It's a couple of pages of that semi-cinematic hogwash that Geoff Johns likes to write into his comics that wastes a lot of space. But after that, the story really kicks in as Clark Kent and Diana Prince get dressed after their Smallville fling.

"But as a woman, you'll also need to put your hair in a ponytail for the disguise to be effective."

In Gotham, Batman was once again dealing with the Scarecrow. You'd think that The Scarecrow was Batman's only serious problem in Gotham City since the Reboot. He's fighting them over water which means Aquaman busts in and helps save the day. I probably should have put help in quotation marks because when does Batman ever think, "I could really use Aquaman's help right now!" As opposed to how often everybody else in the DCnU thinks, "I could really use Batman's help right now!"

See? Another hero with a problem that thought, "Batman can solve this!"

Aquaman fears the Trench creatures are back and Batman, being a Detective, realizes this probably has something to do with the ship that blew up the ocean floor with its missiles! Time to get the Justice League together and see what's up at the bottom of the ocean! Or just, you know, send Aquaman and Superman because it's too much of a pain in the ass to send anybody else down there. Even Cyborg is all, "Shit man, no way will I boom tube on to a ship in the Atlantic because if I miss I'll fucking drown so you guys deal with that shit." And Cyborg's dad is all, "Yo dude we can totes make you a mad setup for underwater gigs!" And Cyborg is all, "Fuck you I like my human lung you nut job control freak!" And Cyborg's dad is all, "lololol! Whatevs!"

While the rest of the Justice League are worried that all hell is going to break loose under the Atlantic Ocean, Wonder Woman is busy trying out the whole secret identity thing with Superman.

See? Glasses and hair up! Although the most important part of the disguise is the not wearing your underwear in public part.

While Clark and Diana enjoy mingling with the common rabble, a huge tidal wave hits Metropolis, carrying the evil bomb blasting boat into downtown. Unless it's a different boat but I suspect it's the offending boat because the Atlanteans were probably a little bit pissed off that they were fired upon by it. So Metropolis is right up on the coast probably across the bay from Gotham. It seems weird that Metropolis is basically the comic book version of New York and yet New York also exists. So the eastern seaboard has New York and then Metropolis just south of that? And then Gotham just south of that? Is Gotham in New Jersey? And if that is the location, why the hell did Green Lantern fly over Detroit when he went from Gotham to Metropolis way back in Justice League #1? Somebody get me a fucking map!

Looking up some shit about it, Mayfair Games placed it in Delaware for the DC Roleplaying game but that's obviously not canon. The Smallville television show had it in Kansas but since it's always been coastal, that's bullshit as well. I think Metropolis is where New York is in our reality and New York is further up the coast in DC reality! On one hand, it seems odd that DC wouldn't want to place these cities in an exact location to help solidify continuity which they love heavy petting to the point of physical ailment. But then it's probably continuity that keeps them from forcing the cities into one single place. As soon as that happens, all the super knowledge fanboys will emerge from the crawlspaces of their parents' houses and begin asking about how every single story line in every single Batman and Superman comic book could have happened if the city were in the place DC declares it's in. Writing a sentence with a bunch of ambiguous and vague nouns is confusing and I'm marking myself down for that last sentence and writing, "Clarity! Clarity! Clarity!!!" in red marker in the margin.

I don't know where I was going with all of this but it doesn't matter since I'm going to breakfast now. I'll continue this after the break(fast).

So before I went to breakfast, this happened and everybody in Metropolis drowned.

At least Lois Lane was saved by Vulko and Jimmy Olsen saved himself when Superman froze up with the realization that he and Wonder Woman couldn't save everybody. Boston was also hit by a huge wave but no super heroes live in Boston so even more people died there. Cyborg warned Batman that Gotham was next. And Nightwing just sank all of his cash into Amusement Mile! It's going to be washed away and he'll be destitute. Good! I hate all of these well-off people being the heroes of the common man! I hope Batman's bank account is washed away as well.

Aquaman realizes that these waves are the beginning of an attack by Atlantis because they're using his plan of attack against the surface dwelling, over fishing assholes. Serves them right is what Aquaman doesn't say with his mouth but you can see it in his gorgeous blue eyes. This will all be continued in Aquaman #15 which is the next comic book in my stack!

But before I start in on the "Aquaman is a joke" jokes, I still have the Shazam back-up story to read.

Shazam and his foster brother (Freddy, I think. I can't remember their names! The one with the braces! The leg braces, not the teeth braces!) blunder about looking for a way to score some cash so they can buy beer. As they do so, they end up stopping a bunch of crimes.

It's not stupid if you charge everyone for saving their asses! Kaching!

Freddy decides they should be getting home now since they never did score any beer. But Billy doesn't ever plan on turning back into a kid again. I bet he'll think differently once Black Adam punches him in the face a few dozen times. And next issue, that's exactly what's going to happen! After Billy and Freddy get in a fight and Freddy hobbles off in a huff, Black Adam crashes to the ground to confront Shazam. And that's where this story ends and doesn't continue in Aquaman #15.

Justice League #15 Rating: No change. Diana learns to abuse secret identities. Aquaman realizes he's way lower on the super hero totem pole than Batman. And The Flash never made a fucking appearance. Where is that slacker, anyway? Did he quit the team when Hal Jordan did? Maybe that's the "bold" in the bold new era part of the comic! A Justice League without a speedster. Although Barry really can't use his power very well anyway. I think he needs some training. Maybe Bart Allen can teach him how to use his powers correctly because Bart Allen probably learned how to utilize his powers by watching old footage of Barry Allen in action!