Saturday, January 12, 2013

Monsieur Mallah!

Part Three of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

"Ten years before his own death, a French scientist whose name has not been revealed experimented upon a large gorilla that was stronger and more agile than most other gorillas. [Was there a competition?] Through secret teaching methods, shock treatments, and other methods that remain unknown [You mean like secret teaching methods? What about unknown methods of secrecy? Or unknown teaching methods? Secret shock treatments of unknowability?], the scientist vastly increased the ape's intelligence. The gorilla gained an I.Q. of 178, making him a genius. [Everybody knows it's not the size of your I.Q. that matters; it's how you use it.] The scientist also gave the ape the ability to speak human languages. [Well, French anyway.] The scientist named the gorilla Monsieur Mallah and trained him to read, write, and speak human languages [the French, remember?! Just in case you forgot after all the time that passed since that last sentence ended], and instucted him in various areas of science and medicine. [But mostly science. And by science, I mean guns.] Mallah became the scientist's chief assistant. [You really have to be cheap to train a fucking monkey to be your assistant just so you don't have to drop any cash on wages and benefits.]

When the scientist died, Mallah, following instructions that the scientist had given him, immediately removed his mentor's brain surgically and transferred it to a sophisticated [and classy!] receptacle that was connected to a vast computer network. The receptacle enabled the brain to remain alive and to monitor events around it and to even speak through special equipment. The scientist, who is now known as the Brain, assisted by Mallah, organized the original Brotherhood of Evil to advance his goals of achieving power and wealth [What the fuck is he going to do with power and wealth as a brain in a fucking jar? Is he going to impress female brains in jars?] (see Brain, Brotherhood of Evil). Eventually, the Brain would seek to conquer the world.

One member of the Brotherhood was Laura DeMille, whose mind was altered by the Brain and Mallah so that she became the evil Madame Rouge [How many fans simply called her Madame Rogue and never fucking knew the difference? My guess after being a denizen of the internet? All of them.] (see Madame Rouge).

The Brotherhood clashed unsuccessfully many times with the original Doom Patrol (see Doom Patrol I). [I guess when I get around to scanning all of these other entries, I'll have to link up these parenthetical references] Finally, Madame Rouge turned against the Brain and Mallah and seemingly killed them by blowing up their Parisian headquarters.

However, the Brain and Mallah had faked their own deaths. They remained in hiding for years while recruiting the members of the current Brotherhood of Evil. [Where you can see them get their asses handed to them in the pages of Tales of the Teen Titans!] The Brain and Mallah and the new Brotherhood of Evil at last pursued Madame Rouge to Africa, where she died in a battle with the Changeling [You know! Beast Boy when he had a dumb name and a dumb costume!] (see Changeling).

Monsieur Mallah, the Brain, and their new Brotherhood are still at large, their current whereabouts and activities unknown."

Powers & Weapons

"Monsieur Mallah has intelligence equal to that of a human genius, and is an expert in many areas of science [Guns!] and technology [Lasers!], as well as a brilliant surgeon [He can rip your fucking arms off!]. However, his genius does not match that of the Brain, and Mallah operates devices the Brain designs rather than creating his own. [His all ended up running on bananas.]

Mallah is stronger and more agile than non-super-powered humans [And most other gorillas! Don't forget the other gorillas! Take that, Grodd!], and is a truly formidable hand-to-hand[-to-monkey's paw] combatant."

No comments:

Post a Comment