Saturday, January 19, 2013

Frankenstein, Agent of SHADE #16

Shit happens and destroys everything.

Simply hating (and despising, etc.) Savage Hawkman alone didn't end Savage Hawkman's agonizingly depressing existence. Seems historically, asinine DC executed some half-assed decisions. Ending S.H.A.D.E. shows how, again, DC expresses sheer hatred against dedicated enthusiasts.

Yeah, I'm going to stop with that because I'm just going to sound more and more illiterate as I try to force myself to stick with that pattern. I just couldn't resist since Savage Hawkman sets up that mini-SHADE-rant so nicely! But that last sentence? Ugh. Forgive me!

The final issue of Frankenstein begins in a Central City not currently full of monkeys. Maybe Keystone City was full of monkeys. Maybe both cities were full of monkeys. Why did DC even bother to keep both cities? They were basically the same city but on two different Earths. Were they that important that they couldn't be merged? You know what? Let's fuck Silver Scarab and Power Girl and Jade and Obsidian and all of the other Infinity, Inc kids in the ass but we can't lose Central City! (Some of you less sensitive people might be thinking, "Hey! I bet Obsidian loved being fucked in the ass!" Shame on you! DC does not fuck people in the ass gently or with consent!) Perhaps there are some stories I don't know about that were essential to keeping these two cities on one Earth but I doubt it since if I don't know about it, who fucking cares? Amirite?! This is where we high five and then look awkward and embarrassed that we partook of that form of social bonding until we both decide we did it ironically and thus can live with ourselves once again.

A bunch of freaky-deaky weirdos (no offense to freaky-deaky weirdos) have gathered to be weird and freaky underneath the Devil's Watertower.

Holy fuck these weirdos are freaky! Hey freaky weirdos! Put on some fucking suits and get jobs already! You slacker layabouts with your "art" and your "writings" and your "above average sense of self and consciousness"! At least get off the streets so you stop making people stuck in rote, meaningless existences feel insecure about their rote, meaningless existences! Jerks!

Once these weirdos are done squeezing weird blobs out of their orifices (I could probably make a really funny bathroom humor joke here, right?!), The Monster Bomb shoots out of the Devil's Watertower and rockets toward the streets of Keystral City! The freaks begin a celebration that mostly involves shoving their fists into the air and acting smug. But then Frankenstein shows up and they lower their fists and swallow their smugness. I'm thinking they might also end up swallowing a few teeth. And maybe their fists!

Meanwhile, a normal guy in a suit (hooray! He must be the hero!) that works for Homeland Security (boo! He must be the anti-hero!) Narration Boxes the last five years of his life in one page. Oh my fucking Chaos. That is the saddest thing ever! This poor suit's entire life fills up exactly eight Narration Boxes! Those evil freaks are once again flaunting their free-wheeling, living large at everyone else's expense attitudes! They think they can just go around calling themselves The Plague and hacking computers and dropping dirty bombs and high-fiving each other for fucking the status quo in the ear without anybody getting hurt? Well now someone has gotten hurt! Mr. Homeland Security! He's spent five years watching these guys party it up all over Europe and become virus monsters while living in Castle Frankenstein and all he got to do was sit in a comfortable chair drinking coffee. What assholes!

But this normal guy (that I'm beginning to suspect is a little weird himself) is really happy that he's about to catch The Plague. But then Frankenstein and Velcoro and whatever the fuck the Wolfman's name was (Griffith! They mention it later!) crash the party and ruin the normal guy's big chance at an even bigger promotion.

More freaks! Can't a normal guy catch a fucking break?

The normal suit finally realizes he wasted the last five years of his life watching freaks party across Europe because now some other freaks (including a Mummy!) have crashed his office party and xeroxed their monstrous ding dongs (monstrous in look and not in size. Although I can't imagine Victor Frankenstein chose a tiny ding dong for his Monster!). But the normal guy notices the Monster Bomb while Frank and his Creature Commandos are too busy eviscerating and decapitating the members of The Plague. So maybe he can still be a hero! A normal everyday working stiff hero! Go Team Human! You've always been so much better than Team Vampire and Team Werewolf! Team Human was smart enough not to get involved with that klutzy, narcissistic Bella! Three cheers for Team Human!

The suit manages to run outside of his van screaming, "NO NO NO!" and into the streets before his heroic charge ends and the bomb explodes. I think the bomb is going to turn him into a freaky-deaky weirdo and he's going to love it!

Meanwhile earlier in the day (can I say that? Does that make sense?), Frankenstein and the Creature Commandos get their mission from little girl Father Time to stop The Plague from setting off a dirty monster-bomb. As opposed to a dirty-monster bomb. If there is, in fact, any difference between the two. Before they catch up to the part of the comic book I already read, Nina sets off the B.I.G.F.O.O.T. to keep any nearby surveillance equipment from recording their images. This is the part of the Frankenstein comic book where I try to guess what one of their stupid acronyms mean!

Let's see. It stops surveillance equipment. So it must stand for Blackout Inducing Goblins Farting Over Old Tape. I bet I'm pretty close!

I'd rather use the farting goblins.

From Frankenstein's perspective, the reader gets to see that before killing The Plague members, he had Velcoro drop him on the Monster Bomb because his blood will somehow negate the virus inside. He brought some explosives strapped to his chest to blow himself up so that his blood can mix with the virus. This seems like a play out of Batman's recent playbook! Shower the city with blood (and possibly piss).

He survives the blast and then is dropped on the rooftop to kill weirdos. The timing and sequence of everything seems all over the place but since this is Frankenstein's final issue, let's just chalk it up to Nina's use of the B.I.G.F.O./O.T.!

And with the blessings of freak on freak crime, the normal guys win again! HOORAY?

Although the normal suit doesn't get a promotion or a raise or glory or a pat on the back. He simply gets a paid leave of absence while he recovers form his fatigue-induced insanity. That's even better than a promotion!

Frankensteing, Agent of S.H.A.D.E. #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. I had know idea the Homeland Security guy was going to be in this comic book when I began my freaks versus normal theme but I'm glad he was so that it made a coherent story, even if nobody has any idea what this issue was actually about after reading my commentary! Ha ha ha! Now DC's lawyers can't argue that I'm spoiling their comic books and cutting into their profits by exposing the story of every issue they publish each month. Sorry to see you go, Frank! Although you'll probably be hanging about in Justice League Dark from now on. So I'm actually sorry to see Khalis and Griffith go. Velcoro and Nina can go stuff toilets for all I care!

I'm sorry, Velcoro and Nina. I'll miss you too!

No comments:

Post a Comment