All Star Western #15

I'm currently drunk on sake so we'll see how this goes. And forgive me my typos as I forgive those that typo against me. Okay, that's a lie because I've yet to forgive Howard Mackie and his editors. Fuck they suck at their jobs.

Earlier tonight I was instant messaging a friend and my web browser was in the background on Tumblr. On Tumblr was an animated gif (or are those just referred to as "gifs" now? Fuck I'm old! There was a time a .gif was just another type of fucking .jpg! And some of them you animated! I was probably animating gifs before most of you were born!) of Ellen saying some such shit about comedians are bullies if somebody is the butt of their jokes. I'm pretty sure she's watering down the meaning of "bully." I know by her definition, I'm a fucking bully. And guess who my victims are? Scott Lobdell, Tom DeFalco, Ann Nocenti. But you know what? I have no power over them. They're doing their jobs and I'm criticizing them because their jobs are in paid entertainment. If you do a bad job and people pay to experience the fruits of your labor, you have opened yourself up to criticism. And no matter how badly I make fun of Scott Lobdell, in the end, he still has an awesome job that pays really well. A dream job even. And good for him! But you would think he would treat that job as if he's luckier than shit to have it. But instead he just turns out bullshit month after month and puts no real effort into his writing. And I'm a bully for pointing this out? Some would even say I'm jealous? No, no! Yes, I envy him. But I don't make fun of him because he has a dream job! I make fun of him because he's bad at it!

I also make fun of homeless people and tigers, so maybe I am a fucking bully.

How many of you would like to play a roleplaying game based on The Bible? I've written one and I could use some beta testers if you have a home group that would be into that sort of thing. Actually I just have the core rules (very simple!) but if anyone is interested, I'll whip up a Genesis Scenario. The game would be played by scenario only. The players would take control of major figures of The Bible and work their way through the entire Old Testament.

I could probably use some beta testers to play Places & Predators as well although I really need one more pass on the game to rewrite some key rules for the final edit. But, you know, if anyone wants to put themselves on a mailing list to Beta Test that, it might get me to finish up the rules quicker. It's a humorous RPG based on The Game of Life. And, you know, mythology and dungeons and dragons and warhammer and all of that typical bullshit.

Before I get to All Star Western #15, let me also say that I've had Chris Ware's Building Stories sitting by my desk for a few months and haven't really begun reading it until tonight. I read a couple of small books, Branford the Smartest Bee in the World, and then the section that is newspaper sized. Fuck me, Chris Ware. Stop making me weep like a little girl who just found her mother dead and her pet puppy with a shotgun in its mouth. This guy knows how to write normality bordering on frustration and impotence.

Warning: I'm now beginning to read All Star Western #15. I'm not very optimistic about it though. Stupid Black Diamond Probability.

The issue begins with Mr. Hyde forcing the Black Diamond Potion on Amadeus Arkham.

He's absolutely right. There's such a huge gap between being told what it's like to take mushrooms and actually experiencing the mind-fucking alternate reality of that world.

The first moment I entered that alternate reality (although on acid not shrooms. Same thing) was sitting in a friend's house in Santa Clara, California nervously waiting to feel the effects. I'd known years before actually doing acid that I wanted to try it. I was fascinated with the idea of hallucinations and, I believe, my love of Alice in Wonderland (the novel, not the Disney cartoon) was inextricably tied to this desire. I was sitting there watching my friend Karl play Donkey Kong on his Super Nintendo and suddenly everything began to change in the subtlest of ways. The noise was warping and the colors were leaving trails and every movement Mario made was funnier than anything I'd ever experienced. I was instantly in love with the experience and would visit that world many times over. It's been about twelve years now since the last time I tripped. I'm not even sure I'd be comfortable doing it now that I've traveled past the center of life's labyrinth. No longer is most of the maze and adventure ahead of me. Now I know I'm well past the center and I hear the snorting of the minotaur nipping at my heels, closer and closer with every passing day. People who know what acid does to your experience understand why that keeps me from placing the tab on my tongue.

While Hyde is undergoing his savage transformation, Jonah Hex barges in ready to kill. I'm not sure he knows how to do anything else. Barge. Then kill.

Neither Hyde nor I know what Hex means here but I really like the picture as well as the sentiment. Really. You don't always have to understand something to enjoy it.

Mr. Hyde throws Hex out of a window and Hex crashes to the ground with some pretty major wounds. Mr. Hyde then turns his attention to Arkham who has upset him because the potion merely made him violent as opposed to sexually perverse. Mr. Hyde simply needs to get laid and the effects of the Black Diamond might finally wear off. It's just I don't know any male characters in this comic willing to bugger this bastard.

Hex drags himself back into the room half-crippled to continue the brawl with Mr. Hyde. While they're fighting, Arkham bolts like a character from the Looney Tunes. Hex eventually throws Hyde out of a window and Hyde bolts as well, threatening Hex that he'll be back. Hex has some policemen set his leg and he hobbles off to find Arkham.

Meanwhile Arkham is off flirting with the big breasted Gotham Prostitutes.

Instead of brawling, Arkham merely takes down his trousers and is tackled by the police. Arkham winds up in an asylum. Hex winds up in a wheelchair needing at least a month of rest. And Hyde winds up in Slaughter Swamp at the old home of the Haunted Highwayman, mixing his potions and becoming more and more Eclipso-like every night. I suppose the next issue may take place after everyone is healed and Mr. Hyde is ready to really cause some pain.

The back-up story is still about Tomahawk and since I'm not a twelve year old boy in the fifties, it doesn't interest me in the slightest. The Americans betray Tecumseh and his people and Tecumseh and his people fight back. It would be nice to see Tecumseh and Tomahawk kick some major ass but we all know how this bullshit ended up. At least my ancestors came from Spain via the sugar cane plantations in Hawaii, later settling in California, so even by my ancestor's lot, I'm not responsible for any of this imperial bullshit.

All Star Western #15 Rating: No change. The art and story were better than last month but there still isn't much happening. But I enjoyed Jonah's attitude throughout and it's nice to see Hex wounded enough to be out of commission for awhile. The sooner this story ends and they begin telling the tale of Tallulah and the Barbary Ghost, the better!