Team 7 #4

Comic books use the term "unleashed" way too often. Especially since I've never seen a leash on anyone. Not even Titus. Or Krypto. Or G'nort.

Eclipso is supposed to be some powerful manifestation of an ancient God of some sort, so his appearance should create an air of serious tension. How will Team 7 stop him? Will he take over the entire world? He's a God! Even Batman can't stop him (hyperbole). But whenever I see Eclipso, all I can think about is one of DC's biggest gaffs in the history of their storytelling! I know I've mentioned this before but it bears repeating. Eclipso can be driven out of the body he's possessing by sunlight. So in Eclipso's big summer crossover event back in the early nineties, he had his base on the dark side of the moon. Of course, there is no dark side of the moon. It's simply the term for the side of the moon that constantly faces away from the Earth (incidentally, the side we NEVER see due to the moon's rotation (yes, it rotates. If it didn't, we'd see every side of it) being such that it constantly faces the Earth with the same exact face). Which obviously means that every side of the moon, at some point, faces the sun and is thus not totally dark. Which means the Eclipso crossover would have ended almost as soon as it began. Good job, DC!

But it's not fair to hold that against this Eclipso! This is the rebooted Eclipso that is probably smarter than to establish his base on the moon! Perhaps he'll take over Supergirl's underwater sanctuary since that's a stupid place for her to have a base since she needs the sun to give her power! They should make a tradesie.

Currently in Team 7, Slade Wilson has been possessed by Eclipso and is ready to septimate his Team. The only problem with that is I know Kurt Lance doesn't die. Nor does Grifter. Nor does Amanda Waller. Nor does Slade Wilson (although he wouldn't kill himself. I don't think. Eclipso is kind of a weird guy). Also I still can't get past the notion that there are only seven people on the team when there are ten! So I should have just said decimate!

The little white haired girl (not Essence! The native girl!) was also stolen by the smoke monsters and everyone should remember her because I'm pretty sure she's going to end up being Rose Wilson.

The issue begins with Team 7's guns being ineffective against Eclipso Slade Wilson. And since shooting things is really their only plan, they have to retreat while Essence pelts Eclipso with ink blots.

I think Team 7 needs to stick to fighting things that aren't immune to bullets.

It's a good thing Essence met up with them on the island because Team 7 would be dead right now. Fairchild already shot the Black Diamond and it didn't break. I'm pretty sure that was their only plan. So it's time to retreat and let the people with super powers take care of Eclipso. Which is kind of sad because Team 7 is supposed to be policing super powered people and keeping them in line. It looks like they're going to need to invent new weapons after this. Bullets are no better than pointed sticks in this new era of wonders.

But Cole Cash doesn't believe guns are useless! He just has to believe strongly enough and they'll save the day! He believes that if everybody carried a gun, nobody would ever die! It's the only solution to gun violence and it will make everyone immortal! It'll be like one gigantic Mexican Standoff! Except the crazy person always shoots first because he doesn't give a shit about living or dying. So that's kind of a fault in the everyone should have guns plan. And violence against women goes really fucking badly when her partner has a gun handy. But Cole Cash is a responsible gun owner! He only shoots at any random fucking thing that he imagines is threatening his life. So what could be wrong with that? Anyway, Cole has a plan!

You know, speaking about more guns making people safer, how come nobody came forward saying that Trayvon Martin should have had a gun to protect himself? After all, he was the one approached, confronted, and then killed by some random stranger. How does that become self-defense when the killer instigated the entire encounter? That sounds more like looking for an excuse to shoot someone with your legal-to-carry gun.

Since Essence was turned into a sword by Eclipso, I guess it's up to Grifter to defeat Eclipso! And Grifter has the upper hand here because Eclipso put his Black Diamond in his pouch! Fuck yeah! Grifter knows mother fucking pouches! He knows makes and models and how many can comfortably fit across a belt and a shoulder holster and a rugged yet light vest. He knows the makers of the best pouches to keep bullets in. He knows how to maximize the space on a person's body to fill it with pouches so he always has a billion rounds of ammunition. And he knows exactly how to make a person explode so that the pouch at their side becomes unattached from the belt!

"No! My snuff!"

The smoke monster island ghosts delay Eclipso long enough for Cole and Essence to get back to Team 7 and explain the new plan. Essence pulls a sword out of a wall and tells Team 7 it is a magic sword that can hurt Eclipso (and maybe kill Slade. But no risk, no unpossessed teammate, amirite?). If I were Team 7, I'd ask Essence if she could turn the sword into bullets because Slade Wilson is their sword guy and he's kind of busy at the moment. Apparently Amanda Waller is their back up sword fighter because Essence gives the sword to her and tells her to buck the fuck up and kill children if necessary because Amanda and Dinah seem to have a problem with killing one thousand children if it means saving the world. I mean, if it were the ONLY way to save the world, I could probably do it. Or if there were another way to save the world but I'd have to walk a few miles to get there and the children were right next to me, I'd probably kill the children.

Now that they have their new plan, Eclipso barges in looking for his pouch. And Team 7 does the only thing they know how to do.

"You have to have faith in the bullets, Kurt! BELIEVE IN THE BULLETS! BELIEVE!"

I guess Essence didn't actually pick Amanda to wield the sword since Fairchild is the one that sneaks up on Eclipso Slade Wilson and stabs him in the back. I guess Essence just meant "you guys." My mistake!

So Fairchild stabs Slade and Eclipso leaks out of Slade's mouth in a big black cloud. Cole flashes the Black Diamond and Eclipso is once again bound up in his prison. Time to take the Black Diamond back to John Lynch so he can sell it to ARGUS (unless Lynch is working with ARGUS? Does ARGUS exist yet?) and they can shove it under a tarp in the Black Room. Perhaps Team 7 becomes ARGUS or is part of ARGUS in the way that the Black Razors and the Blackhawks were merged into some kind of fuzzy unit.

The issue ends with Lynch asking Slade if he wants to take part in Project Majestic. I guess that's what turns him into the super soldier he becomes.

Team 7 #4 Rating: No change. I'm sorry to see that the white haired girl never made another appearance in this issue. Perhaps she heard Team 7 say "Slade Wilson" a number of times so she just ends up taking the name Wilson when she's found by N.O.W.H.E.R.E. in later years. The rest of the comic book was filled with a lot of ineffective gunfire because that's the only solution Team 7 knows and applies it to every problem. Even when they already know the solution doesn't work for that particular problem. I guess if bullets can't solve the problem, they can at least provide a distraction until the real solution presents itself.