Sunday, January 13, 2013

Green Arrow #16

This is the last time I give you this advice, Mr. Arrow: If you're going to fight hand-to-hand so often, add a melee weapon to your repertoire.

I wonder how many copies of Green Arrow have been purchased and left unread at the bottom of the ever-growing stack of comic books on people's bedside nightstands? Everybody who reads comic books does this, right? You buy a bunch of titles that you read immediately. Then there are the titles you enjoy but sometimes don't get to, so they sit for awhile and then you read them and then you think, "That was cool. Why'd I let it sit for so long?" And then there are the comics that sit for awhile which you read and then think, "Why the fuck am I still buying this book?" And then there are the comics that you just keep buying out of habit but can't even bring yourself to read them. Every time you look at them sitting in the stack gathering dust, you can't even bother to read them even though you spent money on the stupid books. Eventually, you just put them in a box and figure you'll read them later. I think I have a bunch of G.I. Joe comics like that from the early 2000s. I'll probably get around to them later!

Anyway, I wonder how many copies of Green Arrow have been purchased but have gone unread. DC should have those numbers!

I don't have that problem anymore. I read my comic books in a very particular order, so if I don't read Green Arrow now, I'll never get to read Dial H next! So I suck it up, down a shot of sake, and dig in!

Last issue ended with Green Arrow threatening to kill the first ten men that attacked him so that all of the dozens of men would be afraid to shoot first. But apparently the dozens of men considered the cash bounty on Green Arrow's head in-between issues and decided the risk was worth the reward because this issue begins with dogs and men rushing Green Arrow while he fires rapidly at them. Maybe they also knew it was a bluff since Green Arrow doesn't exactly have a history of leaving bodies all over Seattle.

I guess Green Arrow called the cops at some point but I'd forgotten that part (if it was even in the comic book! Which I highly doubt! A lot!). They arrive to bust up the dogfight but aren't too happy with missing out on the Big Sea Parade!

The cops in Seattle are the best! Break a law and then claim, "It's a free country!" and they'll let you off the hook! Seattle Murder and Dog Fucking Spree, here I come!

Turns out Harrow's doll that took off with the dog fucking kid Pike called the cops. She then returns to pick up Green Arrow so that he can stop the kid Pike from destroying all of the guns Green Arrow wants dumped in the bay anyway. While Green Arrow drives away with Harrow's girl to help Pike destroy the guns, the baton twirling stalker from last issue sighs in heartbroken angst that Green Arrow barely noticed her. It's because she wasn't twirling fire!

I wonder if Oliver Queen has ever been to Burning Man?

Hey! It's been about five pages and Green Arrow hasn't mentioned how much his head hurts!

That's because they didn't know they were dealing with a gunrunner, you dumb green douche! You told them it was a dog fight! Against kids!

Green Arrow must be mesmerized by this woman's ass and her scent of fish. Ugh. Because she rubbed the ice packed in with the fish all over herself, you crude bastards! The fact that I even have to explain myself shows what I think of the people that read my commentaries! Anyway, Green Arrow just follows her through a warehouse trusting she's taking him to Pike and the arsenal he's going to blow up.

Green Arrow finds Pike all set to blow up but Pike is a crying mess. Green Arrow befriends him and teaches him how to shoot arrows. Pike is happy again. Harrow's girlfriend marries Green Arrow as a reward. It turns out she's super rich and Green Arrow can afford to buy more arrows and gadgets. Pike becomes his little sidekick and they hit the streets of Seattle, keeping it safe night after night.

Or Harrow just crashes the party before Green Arrow can get Pike to disarm the bomb.

I think Harrow believed my bullshit scenario!

Turns out the cop that was called to bust everyone for a dog fight didn't give a fuck about dogs being slaughtered. He also didn't give a fuck about being in Harrow's girlfriend's pocket in her tight dress. He only gave a fuck about being bribed by Harrow to not arrest him. Seems legit.

Green Arrow still hasn't complained about his head hurting. I guess he took an aspirin between issues.

While they're fighting on the roof, a news copter flies overhead reporting on the situation. I think. It's a bit weird. Take a look.

If this is a Seattle One News Chopper, why the fuck is the pilot interfering with the broadcast? Why does he call her news lady instead of Sandra? Does Seattle One rent their news choppers? You wouldn't see KOMO 4 News renting! And why does the fucking pilot scream into the TV Station's mic to tell the police what to do?

Green Arrow runs out of arrows while the helicopter pilot bothers the police with a stupid incident that's only going to force them to do a ton of paperwork. After he runs out of arrows, he kicks the chisel out of Harrow's hand. And then Harrow remembers that Green Arrow's head hurts!

Green Arrow has the worst fucking support team in the DCnU. How dare they let him back on the streets with his head gushing blood? Everybody else fucking noticed it so I can't believe they didn't. "Shouldn't we bandage his head?" "Fuck it! Let him go! Oliver Queen knows best, right?!"

Some SWAT helicopters arrive because I guess the SWAT teams don't mind doing paperwork. Even though they have no fucking clue as to what's going on on the roof, they drop a couple of lines to save the people on the roof from the possible explosion they couldn't possibly know anything about. Green Arrow, having knocked out Harrow instead of dying from his gushing head wound, clips Harrow to a safety line and then clips Gloria (finally they remind me of her name!) to the other chopper. The SWAT copters pull them to safety. But Pike has accidentally set off the detonator! They only have 30 seconds to get away. So Green Arrow fires his grapple and swings them to safety so that they don't blow up.

Of course he knows the building is going to blow up. And he came to stop the building from blowing up because it's right next to the parade route and it's going to kill a lot of people. Luckily for Green Arrow, the police responded to the helicopter pilot's newscast to clear the area. So the people in the parade were saved because Green Arrow didn't give a shit about them but the police got the message aired on Seattle One television by a fucking asshole helicopter pilot who thinks he's Dick Tracy. Good job, team!

Apparently Harrow was trying to sell Fireworks as deadly explosives to gangs across the nation. Maybe he was a hero!

After the disaster is averted, the baton twirling stalker manages to find Green Arrow all over again. "Fuck me, Green Arrow!" she says. "Okay!" says Green Arrow who then fucks her.

No. This is what actually happens.

Baton Stalker: "Green Arrow! Green Arrow! Look at me! Pay attention to me!"
Green Arrow: "Ugh. You again? Look, I don't fuck nerds. Maybe if you were twirling fire...."
Baton Stalker: "You look happy!"
Green Arrow: "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Baton Stalker: "You saved that suicidal robot lady! Look, I carry the clipping around with me! She got a tattoo of a Green Arrow on her arm! I have a tattoo of a baton!"
Green Arrow: "She hated me for saving her."
Baton Stalker: "I haven't heard a word you've said! You must be happy!"
Green Arrow: "*sad emo voice* As I can be. *profound silence*"

Yeah. Someone said something like that. What happened, Ann Nocenti? Couldn't find the source on Wikipedia? Had the quote too fucking garbled to source it to John Lennon?

I fucking hope Lemire keeps Baton Twirling Stalker around for his run on Green Arrow. She's been the most interesting character so far!

Green Arrow #16 Rating: No change. I guess I've just come to expect nonsensical shit out of Ann Nocenti because I didn't completely hate this comic book. Sure it was stupid. And the dialogue was crap. And Green Arrow may have lost his chance at having a sidekick by giving the kid up to the cops. Although with all that paperwork, perhaps the cops will just let the kid go and he can join up with Green Arrow anyway. Some woman in a tutu followed Green Arrow around as if she had his GPS location throughout the parade. And the whole thing ended with Green Arrow walking off somewhat happy with a gaping head wound. What a terrific great piece of shit!

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