Batgirl #16

This looks like a red headed version of Portland Channel 12's weather woman, Stephanie Kralevich!

Here's Stephanie:

I have a confession to make: I've been calling her The Joker for years. I have another confession to make: I can't stop staring at her post-pregnancy boobies.

Dear Diary,

Pardon me if my fingers are a bit sticky; I was just picking my nose. And I guess I don't mean sticky. It's not like snot is running out of my nostrils. I just mean that kind of damp texture that your finger gets when you're kind of rubbing the loose booger molecules off of the inside of your nose and not actively picking out a gigantic booger that won't stop making itself known. It's not like I make a habit of it, Diary! I know you won't judge me but other people who might one day read my diary will probably judge me even though you know they were probably just scratching their ass and sniffing their fingers. How can a person continue to think mankind was made special from God's fingers after she's seen someone scratch at their head and then reflexively sniff their fingers? That is such monkey business!

You know what, Diary? I've really been filling you with a lot of depressing stuff lately. I guess when The Joker is in town, there isn't a lot of happy news. Oh who am I kidding? Joker or no Joker, Gotham fugging sucks. Why do I remain here? Why does anyone remain here? People talk about "Gotham Pride" like it's something special that true Gothamites work hard to build and cherish. But being a Gothamite is just another random act in a completely random universe! It would really make a lot more sense to tell Gotham to fugg off and move to Metropolis. The murder rate in Metropolis is 1% of the murder rate in Gotham City and it's right there across the bay! I think. I was never very good at geography. And even though a much better life is one ferry ride away, people stick to their "Gotham Pride" and refuse to move. Like I said: monkeys!

I guess I'm being too harsh on everyone else. They probably all stay for the same reasons I stay: because they're super heroes! Ha ha! No, because they have family here too. Or they're criminals. I bet half the population of Gotham is involved in crime and half of that half (so a third? I suck at math but I'm super good with computers and hacking and finding out information!) are involved in silly, ridiculously themed crimes!

I'm also super good at things that are completely crazy that nobody would ever think somebody could be good at! But I am! Anyway, even if she were typing, I could tell what she was typing if I could see her fingers move. And if I know how fast somebody can type, I can sometimes tell what words she is typing just by the speed and rhythm of her keystrokes! Also when somebody is thinking, they sometimes imagine they're saying the words and I can tell what they're saying by the movement of their neck and jaw muscles!

You might be able to tell I'm avoiding talking about what happened after I arrived at the church The Joker sent me to. I don't think I can talk about it. It's not that it was terrifying and I felt like I was going to die and I was worried about my mom and Dick and Batman and dad and Dick. It's just that I realized something while standing in the church with The Joker rambling on and on about The Bat being the King: I was in love with The Joker!

Fugg no! Diary. I'm ashamed of you! Believing that twaddle. I'm surprised there isn't a Bat-villain named Twaddle! Maybe I could take up a second job screwing with Batman and Dick as a wacky nemesis named Twaddle! Oh! Yeesh. Blush moment. I just realized everyone would probably think I was calling myself Twattle! Maybe I should get serious and describe what happened at the church.

I was particularly surprised that he hadn't killed anybody up to this point.

Before the ceremony gets to the vows (of which I had written a doozy of one that involved spinning back kicks and groin punches and as many broken teeth as I could manage), The Joker pulls out a chainsaw and threatens to cut off my arms and legs. What the hell was this? A recreation of Boxing Helena? I was no object to be objectified only to lose my limbs and become an object to everybody but the person who turned me into an object! I was the fuggin' Batgirl! Is that a good catch phrase? "I'm the fuggin' Batgirl!" Why does it sound so sexual when I say it out loud? Maybe it's because I'm in my underwear!

At this point, I decided the wedding was most probably off because I couldn't see myself limbless in my wedding dress. So I began to kick some Joker Thug ass when he showed up.

My brother! That cavalry I mentioned last entry.

With mother safe, I was free to do whatever I wanted to The Joker and his men. The ring was off the finger and the veil was on the floor. The Joker had his face removed and now I was going to take some of his teeth as well. Actually, for a Bat-villain, I'm pretty impressed with his smile. Most of those have got to be dental implants to replace teeth knocked out by Batman. No way you could be enemies with Batman for this long and not have lost most of your teeth.

We interrupt this diary entry to check in on my favorite character in The New 52 outside the church. At least she has all of her limbs. Stay safe, Alysia! Now back to Batgirl's Diary.

So there I am being this huge female role model and defeating all of these scum sucking men and their symbols of masculinity: their guns and knives and baseball bats. The ass kicking was practically religious! A whirling dervish! Heck, I was in church, wasn't I? And then it was time to take out The Joker. And that's when the hero (me!) finds out why a cavalry composed of your insane younger brother is really no cavalry at all.

If I wake up without my limbs, I'm going to be so pissed!

After this I don't know what happened with James. Maybe The Joker killed him. I guess I wouldn't feel too bad about that. When I woke up, The Joker was standing before me with a covered serving tray. And...well, I don't know if I feel up to talking about that just yet. Maybe next time.

Enh. It's probably just a jelly roll.

Batgirl #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. Besides having no idea how all of these stories fit in a chronological context, I think Simone is working her end of the Death of the Family story really well. Now if she could just fit Alysia into a little more of the story, things would really be fantastic.