Monday, January 7, 2013

I, Vampire #15

Oh no no no! What happened to Andrea Sorrentino? How dare Lemire steal him over to Green Arrow! What about my Tig's face? WHAT ABOUT MY TIG'S FACE!?

Tig still looks cute humping this guy's shoulder on the front cover but who wouldn't look cute humping some guy's shoulder? And the cover was by March so she kind of looks like Selina Kyle. I'm surprised Andrew Bennett's boobs aren't bigger. I guess it's a good thing if Tig isn't drawn as cute as Sorrentino draws her because then I can go on with my life and stop pining over a fictional vampire character. Also, Tig? What's with the band-aids? Accident prone or lazy-ass haute couture?

Last issue, Ex-Bloody Mary, Ex-Professor John, and Deborah Dancer (Andrew's ex!) were on a quest to save Andrew from his evil self. As his evil self, Andrew doesn't realize he wants to be saved. But once he's saved, his good self will say, "Thank you for saving me!" But if his current self is the evil self and he doesn't want to be saved, doesn't that take precedence? It doesn't matter to me though. Once Andrew Bennett is saved, Tig will take over as leader of the evil army and do a much better job of enslaving the world.

Tig, Andrew, and their new mage decide to assault the castle of the Van Helsings. While doing so, the mage casts a spell in Old Portugese [sic] that says, "This is Runespeak, see?" Oh! I guess I can begin calling it Runespeak then since I was tired of calling it Old Portugese [sic] and having to explain how I wasn't the one misspelling Portuguese! So they begin fighting and I just have to say, I'm not feeling that special something toward Tig. I'm sorry I'm so shallow, Tig, but something has changed between us.

I'm just not drawn to you anymore. That's a pun!

It's not like my love for Tig was based on her personality or her charitable works or her skill with a crossbow. She's changed her look and now I've lost interest. I guess I'll probably be developing a crush on Green Arrow come issue #17!

The greatest army of vampires in the world and across all of history cannot stand up to one Vampire Lord, one Vampire Mage, one Vampire Sweetie-pie, and one Vampire Dog. If only they'd learned the spell "Zilwan," this fight would have been over in seconds. That's a Sir Tech's Wizardry joke! Look, if I have to explain my jokes, you're just not living enough! Sure, some might say they're not really jokes at all if they need a lengthy explanation appended to them. But I like to go the "blame others first" route.

Eventually Andrew encounters the boss of this level: the original leader of the Van Helsings who was ripped apart by Andrew twelve times already. Now he's been put back together and it looks like they might have added some extra parts because he's a giant.

They probably didn't know exactly which pieces were his in the big Utah Van Helsing Massacre, so they just shoved as much flesh as possible together to form this brute.

The brute might also be a hypocrite since what is he if not some kind of Hellspawn at this point? I don't think Heaven is exactly partial to necromancy.

Meanwhile the goody-goodies are gallivanting about England looking for the place where Andrew Bennett was turned into a vampire. Luckily for them, Andrew Bennett came from a noble family and they had a plaque erected directly on the site of his terrible carriage accident which was really just an everyday vampire attack. Maybe not "everyday" since the vampire doing the attacking was The First Vampire, Cain. Also luckily (unless this is more "preparedly"), Professor John knows enough magic to raise the ghosts of any who died on this spot. He manages to raise the ghost of Andrew's carriage driver.

The carriage driver calls Mary a whore and then screams "Unclean!" until he dissipates. They decide they're on the right track and head into Bennett's Woods. That sounds like a pretty promising place to find Andrew's place of death! What they find is something altogether unexpected. Or maybe not so unexpected. But he is supposed to be dead!

What's this world coming to when you can't trust a comic book death?

There are far too many Cains in the New 52. And by far too many, I mean one. But there's the hint of the other one since the House of Mystery is flying around. And there's the possibility that The Unknown Soldier is always an incarnation of Cain within a human body, sharing memories and experiences. So even though only one of those actually exists outside of my mind, it's too many.

Meanwhile back in Castle Van Helsing, the evil trio have fled from the Giant Undead Captain Van Helsing and found their way to the library. Here they find a book that isn't the Necronomicon and use it to teleport to the place Andrew was looking for.

Obviously the book has a vagina*.

I, Vampire #15 Rating: No change. I'm severely disappointed that Andrea Sorrentino has left this title to draw Green Arrow. I would hope that this was just a guest artist but I have a feeling that the quality of Sorrentino's art means he can only do one issue per month. It feels like he's going to be wasted on Green Arrow but what do I know? Jeff Lemire actually has some pretty grim plans for Green Arrow, from what little I've read. And Green Arrow does need all the help it can get. Maybe I should be happy for the title but I just lost my Sorrentino drawn Tig, so I'm going to go off and mourn for a bit.

*FWASH is the sound effect made popular by Supergirl's vagina when it explodes.

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