Saturday, July 14, 2012

The Savage Hawkman #10

Look at all the teeth! And even his Nth Metal Mask has grim determination wrinkles!

Last issue, Hawkman was about to fight to the death against The Living Condom, Senor Butterknives, and Nipslip. I'm pretty excited to get the action and mayhem, especially with the cover that declares "BACKED INTO A CORNER" and "THIRSTY FOR BLOOD" and "THE SAVAGE HAWKMAN!" I bet the first page begins with Hawkman already smashing the brains out of Nipslip!

Nope. It begins with another elementary school history lesson.

Compare this opening with the opening from Hawkman #9: "History tells us a great many things." This is the kind of storytelling that is going to kill this project. I just don't know how many more Narration Boxes full of profound nonsense I can handle writing about. Maybe I should just kill this thing after the Issue #0s come out and go back to Dwarf Lover and Places and Predators full time. Hell, even Quasi-thinking and Pseudo Learninng 101 would be time better spent. And Tumblr would be a perfect format for that project! Rob Liefeld, you just might be giving me my life back because you're killing my desire to read professional comic writers who shouldn't even be writing Bazooka Joe comic strips.

Oh look! In the background of the 2nd Panel: Nipslip with his brains beaten out! Damn I'm good.

The action begins after ten Narration Boxes bring the reader up to speed on Hawkman's knowledge of "bloodsports", his determination to not die, and his declaration that two combatants have already "been provided the 'good death'". I don't know who else he killed but my guess is The Living Condom. But Hawkman also has a few new opponents that weren't shown at the end of the last issue.

Whiptits who he knocks out immediately.

Mr. Mace with the Encased Face who Hawkman beats into submission with one wing.

And finally Tic Tac Foe!

Since Tic Tac Foe is the only opponent left standing, I'm guessing Liefeld, Poulton and Bennett forgot about Senor Butterknives (or The Living Condom). I guess I should blame the editors as well! Stupid Rachel Gluckstern and Harvey Richards and Rickey Purdin! Pay attention to your creative team, dumb dumbs!

Instead of explaining myself to Hawkman, I would have yelled, "FIST! CENTER SQUARE!"

Hawkman slices this guy up Wolverine style and then demands his freedom from Xerxes! I'm wondering if Liefeld will provide the reader with a few Narration Boxes explaining the historical importance of the name Xerxes!

Xerxes decides Hawkman doesn't deserve his freedom yet. And that wasn't what the battle was about anyway! The battle was to showcase how well the Nth Metal can do against a host of enemy combatants. It seems to have done pretty well, so Xerxes should be happy. He should just get on with the auction now. Instead, he lets Hawkman know that he's got Hawkman's "mate" (I forget her name! Too many minor characters to keep track of in the New 52) held captive and that Hawkman must now fight for her against Xerxes himself.

Well, this just seems like a dumb plan. Where's the profit in getting killed by the Nth Metal you're trying to sell? If I were the big bad evil genius, I'd threaten to kill whats-her-name unless Hawkman retracts the Nth Metal. Then I'd have one thousand crossbow men shoot him at the same time so he's killed. Then I'd melt the Nth Metal out of him for sale. Then I'd let the woman go because she's just not my type.

I have no idea what is going on here but I think it's disgusting.

Turns out, Xerxes wants the Nth Metal for himself now, so he's canceling the auction. That still doesn't mean he should be putting himself at risk when he has Hawkman's love interest at sword point. During the weird sexual moment between the two of them, Hawkman has an idea how to defeat Xerxes. I bet it's something he learned from history!

Except it's nothing special or exciting. He just grabs Xerxes foot and flies around and smashes him into a wall. Then he rescues Emma (that's her name! I know because Hawkman says it!). But there's one problem! There's no escaping from the Hockey Stadium! How is he going to get out of this super prison when all of the emergency exits doors are closed and the windows are covered in glass?! Oh, he short circuits Tic Tac Foe's armor and uses him as an explosive to blast through the roof!

Hawkman declares that he and Emma are alive due to the Nth Metal. Except for the small fact that this whole thing was caused because of the Nth Metal. Enh, semantics!

Carter Hall decides he needs to keep investigating the Nth Metal. Remember? He doesn't want history repeating itself! He also realizes Emma needs to remain with him so she can remain safe now that the bad guys know she's connected to him. They book passage to somewhere while under surveillance.

Liefeld likes the outdated pop culture references just like I do! Maybe I should take a closer look at my writing style!

The guy making the old television sitcom references is Pike. I understand he's from the Wildstorm Universe but I don't know him. Anyway, that's that with this issue.

The Savage Hawkman #10 Rating: No change. I considered giving it a boost in the rankings because this issue was a better issue than Captain Atom #10, so it might as well move up past that piece of crap. But I just couldn't do it because this comic has become the epitome of what I don't like in a Super Hero comic book: all of the conflicts stem from super villains going after the super hero. So if the super hero didn't exist, the conflicts wouldn't either. And the world would be safer. Super heroes should be protecting the world from Super Villains not protecting themselves from Super Villains.

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