Justice League International #11

This might be the last incremental issue of JLI! Will they finally be triumphant? Can their dignity be saved resurrected found?

Last issue ended how every issue of Justice League International ends: the entire team was unconscious. But I have a feeling this time was different! I think Batman had a plan! It went something like this:

Batman: "Okay team! The Burners are totally bitchin' about rich people and trying to pull us, I mean, them down! They want to change the system so it's equal to everyone across the economic spectrum. And we can't have that! I mean, I want that too! That's what I'm totally fighting for every day of my life! But we can't let them do it their way because their way is bad. So here's what I was thinking."
Guy Gardner: "Beat the shit out of them, right?"
Booster Gold: "Get some more endorsements?"
OMAC: "Take a gigantic dump on their faces?"
Godiva: "Sit on Booster Gold's face?"
August General in Iron: "Turn me into a real boy?"
Batwing: "Can I just fucking go back to my own comic book now? I mean, really, this is ridiculous."
Batman: "No! The plan is to defeat every member of their team except Intersek (hee hee)! We could defeat her too but then nobody would know that the people who want equality are really, really, really bad people. So we'll pretend to let her get the upper hand by pretending she has control over Guy and Booster. Then when they think they've beaten us, they'll want to kill us in front of their supporters! They always want to do that. It's a compulsion. But since we're faking, as soon as they're ready to kill us, we rise up and punch them in their stupid poor faces! Right in front of their followers. Then we turn to their followers and say, 'See that? That's where you belong! In the mud and a pool of your own sweat and blood! Know your place!' That'll show them!"
Godiva: "Umm. Wait. What?"
Batman: "No, no. I mean, you know. Something about nonviolence and peaceful resistance and getting on with your daily lives or the terrorists win and remember to keep investing and have plenty of children to lock you into that shitty job we, I mean, they created for you!"
Guy Gardner: "Okay! Sounds like a plan! Especially the putting them in their places part! Let's go!"

Did I just write fan fiction? I could continue by following Booster Gold back to his apartment where he's got a real doll of Ted Kord waiting for him in bed dressed in sexy lingerie.

Or I could just start reading the comic! Good idea!

Batman's blood must be boiling listening to this!

Wait. Where's Batman?

Batman's plan I made up apparently wasn't the plan. I was trying to be optimistic but it looks like Justice League International really and truly had their asses handed to them last issue. I don't know where Batman is. Perhaps Breakdown decided that killing Batman in front of a crowd was probably a bad idea. Everybody loves Batman! And Breakdown looks too much like a scary super villain to convince everyone that killing Batman, the hero of the little guy, is somehow going to change the system. Although, if Breakdown had only unmasked Batman when he was unconscious and saw that he was Bruce Wayne, he could have killed the JLI immediately and strung Bruce Wayne up in front of the crowd. He might have won over a ton supporters that way.

So none of the JLI can break out of Lightweaver's restraints because Intersek is fucking with their electronic doodads. But the military is here to help out!

Oh, Crosscut! You're such a comedian!

Breakdown takes out August General in Iron to destroy first. Maybe he'll turn him back into a real boy! That part of the plan might come true! While Breakdown fiddles with the General's chemical make-up, Guy Gardner works on their escape plan. Here's basically how that goes:

Guy Gardner: "Hey OMAC! You're the big tough one! Break us out of here!"
OMAC: "Boo hoo. I can't. I'm trying. Boo hoo. I don't want to be a monster."
Guy Gardner: "You're girlfriend told me you had a small dick while she was fingering my asshole, buddy!"
OMAC: "I...AM...OMAC!"

"OMAC's dick is proportionate to his size!"

Meanwhile, in a bar in Washington...

He's being generous giving them "B Squad" status.

Once they're free, Batwing takes down Intersek (hee hee hee) so that Guy Gardner can use his ring and Booster Gold can use his suit. At that point, the momentum begins to shift.

But, you know, where the fuck is Batman?

Meanwhile, back at the bar...

They're all fucking drunk.

After Justice League International is cancelled, I wouldn't mind reading a comic book series about this Washington bar! "BALDY'S #1 SURPRISING FIRST ISSUE SPECTACULAR!" Maybe I should write a script and send it to DC?

Batwing apparently doesn't hit as hard as Batman because Intersek is back up and ready to shut off people's powers. But an unexpected champion emerges!

Oh gross! Gross gross gross!

Booster Gold and August General in Iron knock Breakdown down the steps only to see they have another problem on their hands: OMAC running wild! Too bad the Justice League International doesn't have a way to control their muscle. Maybe Batman should give Tony Stark a ring and find out how they deal with the Hulk.

Oh look! There's Batman! No, no. Just kidding! That's supposed to be Breakdown. I think the Colorist realized Batman was suddenly AWOL and decided to pay tribute to their missing member here.

Lightweaver is killed when Guy Gardner knocks out his shield just as a tank blasts him. So technically Guy didn't kill him. But since Lightweaver's brother was there trying to get Lightweaver to stop this nonsense, he'll probably see Lightweaver's death as the JLI's fault. Lightweaver's brother may have the same powers at his disposal, so he'll be looking for revenge later. You know, in some other title since JLI has been canceled.

Breakdown is killed when August General in Iron punches him into a billion separate pieces. But Breakdown being what Breakdown is, I imagine he'll blow away on the wind and reform. My guess is that Justice League International will lie low for awhile after the cancellation, the editors and writers at DC will retool the book, and it'll be back in some form in a year or two. And Breakdown and Lightweaver's brother will be waiting for them.

Booster calms down OMAC by assuring him that Guy Gardner never fucked his girlfriend and Godiva convincing him his penis is a good length. And then it's over. Justice League International has won!

But, you know, WHERE THE FUCK IS BATMAN?!

I could have ended the commentary there because that's a pretty good ending for the Justice League International. But I guess I'll include the last panel of the epilogue even though I've already covered this in my speculation:

Great. Another villain that only exists to defeat the heroes.

Justice League International #11: No change. This issue would have received a rise in the rankings except for one major problem: No Batman. You don't end the last issue like this:

And then never include Batman in the next part of the story! This right here is a good example of what DC and its editors think of its fans. "Oh, fuck it. Batman isn't needed in the story and that just makes too many characters to handle. Just leave him out! Those stupid fucking readers won't notice. It's been a month and they all have ADHD! No way they're going to notice. And even if they do, they'll concoct a reason why he's missing to defend us. Stupid fanboys!" You know what, DC? Fuck you! Fuck you in every fucking orifice with a syphilitic elephant penis. That's all I have to say about that.