Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Deathstroke #11

On Czarnia, you haven't truly defeated your opponent until you've taken a dump on him.

Last issue, we found out that Deathstroke was up to Entry #113 in his diary. I should try to recreate his diary from all of his flashbacks. I have a feeling it should have more than 113 entries but Liefeld probably did some quick calculations and determined that was the perfect amount of entries in the journal of a fifty-something year old man. I wonder how many stickers are in it?

I hope Liefeld doesn't stop doing the Slade Wilson Journal Entries. Even though that's more time I'll spend writing the entries instead of reading comic books. Although I'm less than two weeks behind now! Once I catch up, I'm going to have to think of a way to celebrate. Slitting my wrists in a warm tub sounds relaxing. The way I've been treated by DC's editors and half of their shitty writers, I think I'm spiraling into a deep depression caused by their psychological abuse.

The first page of Issue #11 begins with a Slade Wilson Journal Entry! Except it's for Journal Entry #113 which Slade already wrote. Did Rob fuck up? Or maybe Slade wasn't finished with his thoughts on the Khund. Although this entry doesn't have anything to do with the Khund like last Entry #113. So maybe he numbers them by year? Perhaps Slade is 113 years old and his birthday took place in the middle of last issue as he climbed down the smokestack and into the prison?

Deathstroke's Journal Entry just wouldn't end! So I summed up his synopsis of all of his companions with a Wizardry screenshot.

Liefeld uses a two page spread to show the characters while Deathstroke journals about them. I could scan it or I could just describe it to everyone. You've all seen Liefeld's work, right? So this spread shows doll-like mannequins, clenched fists, two hands which aren't in fists which means, of course, the fingers are all pointy and roughly the same size, squinty eyes, vacant faces, gritting teeth, feet hidden by other objects, wrist guards on nearly everyone, and clothing painted on misshapen torsos. Enjoy!

After Deathstroke's journaling gets the reader caught up on last issue and reintroduces the Omega Men, Zealot tells the story about how Lobo killed everybody!

It's always easier to draw half of a face. Or, you know, stick figures.

So, Lobo and his girlfriend Sheba (who I'm hoping is the Czarnian Red Lantern) were slavers. Their ship was badly damaged in a fight with Space Pirates (the linked song may as well be about Reavers!) and they crash landed on Earth. Lobo was captured, Sheba disappeared, and a bunch of slaves escaped to make lives on Earth. The Omega Men are the descendants of these escaped slaves.

"Oh god! Hide Timmy! It's men in sunglasses!"

Zealot tells their tale as they close in on Lobo's location inside his downed ship, The Starpoint. Meanwhile, he's getting ready to blow up the fraggin' Earth.

Did Liefeld just use the same sketch from last issue where Deathstroke is standing by the smokestack? Did he just hand it over to the inker and colorist as if it were new art?

Nine pages in and still no fight between Lobo and Deathstroke. I guess it should only take one or two panels for Lobo to kill Slade, so I should just be patient.

***Warning: Wizardry I: Proving Grounds of the Mad Overlord references ahead***
Deathstroke's party eventually makes it to Level Three of Lobo's ship. I don't think they took the elevator in the dark area past the "Off Limits" sign. They must have taken the stairs down to Level Three after going around that concentric circles part of Level Two. It's fairly easy to find for a starting party and Deathstork Deathstroke was pretty determined to find Lobo. But they must have killed some Gas Clouds or some Creeping Coins on the way because they found some cutlasses.

Deathstork Deathstroke's inventory must be full since he tossed his own swords he usually keeps on his back. Because those swords with grips are not Deathstroke's swords.

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B. Wait, where the fuck did his swords go? They were just on his back last panel! And they're back on his back next time he appears!

Finally, on Level Three, they encounter Lobo. That seems like a pretty harsh encounter for only Level Three! It might be time to turn the Apple IIe off to save Deathstroke's life and recover him later.
***End of Wizardry references***

The fight begins with Lobo punching everybody in the face. He also says some mean-spirited things about Tigorr being a half-breed. Hey, man! That's uncalled for! You can go around genociding half the universe and then enslaving the other half of the universe, but why you gotta be racist too? Someone has to draw a line somewhere, Lobo.

I guess the sword shapeshifts. Geez. Liefeld doesn't even have the imagination to hide his artistic shortcuts. "Oh man. Drawing a hand holding a sword blade might take too many minutes away from rubbing my baseballs on my crotch. I'll just draw a big, blocky square around her hand! Done! Come here, Home Run Ball that held the World Record for roughly three minutes. Mommy still loves you!"

Zealot seems to be holding her own but then Deathstroke gets a little jealous.

You could try to outthink him a little bit. Like using the swords and guns you brought in instead of matching him fist for fist.

Deathstroke punches him a lot more while the other Omega Men apparently watch. Why can't Primus do some Telekinetic shit to help out? And why isn't Zealot stabbing Lobo while Deathstroke punches him? Oh, I know why. That's too hard to draw. Too many people in the panel gets confusing.

After the pummeling happens for awhile, Lobo says the classic line that ensures a comic tumbles in the rankings: "That all you got?" Fuck you, Liefeld, and every other writer who ever made a character say that. And so, the tables turn and Deathstroke begins to get pummeled. But Deathstroke finally pulls out his guns.

Um, wait. What? "I'm more your type"? "Sweetheart"? Slade, buddy! You got somethin' you wanna tell us? Do I sense some Lobo/Deathstroke Slash fiction about to happen? Please somebody draw it and I will post it to every site I own. I will make it into posters to post around Portland. Please, somebody. Please!

The gunshots to Lobo's face do absolutely nothing. In fact, the way the comic continues when I turned the page, it's almost as if that moment were completely forgotten by Rob. Am I supposed to come to the conclusion that Lobo is bulletproof?

And since, you know, I guess Lobo is bulletproof, Deathstroke pulls out some thermal detonators! Doesn't Dark Horse have all of the Star Wars publishing rights? Where the fuck did Slade get his hands on some thermal detonators? Oh, well judging by Lobo's response, Rob was just watching Return of the Jedi while scripting this comic.

Even two thermal detonators can't stop a Liefeld drawing from gritting its teeth.

Lobo regenerates right before Slade's eye and Slade Wilson suddenly realizes he is fucked. Absolutely fucked. Nothing he can do can save him now. But, you know, maybe one of your asshole Omega Men might want to lend a hand?

Who was Lobo's last opponent? The guy he threw into the doughnut case?

Deathstroke #11 Rating: No change. Once again, the issue was entertaining but I can't be sure it was entertaining on its own or it's just fun to comment on. And Lobo beat Deathstroke's ass just like he should. Although if the Omega Men had helped at all, things might have ended up different. I suppose they'll do something to take out Lobo next issue. Probably something they had planned all along with Deathstroke merely being the distraction. I can't give this issue a +1 Ranking since Rob forgot to make Lobo say "Feetal's Gizz." Gross. I wonder who Feetal is?

No comments:

Post a Comment