Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Birds of Prey #11

The cover is obviously not by Travel Foreman. It's by Stanley "ARTGERM" Lau. What the fuck kind of nickname is that? TELL ME THE STORY RIGHT NOW!

Stanley Lau: "Many people has asked me about the rationale behind my nickname - Artgerm in many occasions. To me it is more than just a nick, it is actually my mission statement in my art journey, which I would like to see people get "infected" by my works and inspire them to create art."

Oh! Thank you, internetz! If only The Holy Bible were as informative and helpful as you are!

One week ago, the Birds of Prey were in the Amazon. But one week from then, Poison Ivy is in Dubai attacking the head honchos of a company that wants to get into Deep Core Fracking. Hee hee. That phrase probably makes everybody in Battlestar Galactica's universe blush.

I apologize profusely for the many, many times I use the phrase "verb THIS adjective noun" in future commentaries.

The above panel is actually Poison Ivy attacking the business people with her Vagina Vines and not the head business person waving his magic hands at Poison Ivy and capturing her in perverse tentacles. I know it's hard to tell, especially for readers who don't understand that Poison Ivy controls plants. Yeah, dude! That's her magic super power skill!

After that intense scene, time rewinds and everyone is back in the Amazon! Yay! And the roof of their shelter is collapsing under the weight of hundreds of veggie pygmies! Boo!

Why, Dinah? Do you need some holes in the walls?

On the way down to the lower levels where Poison Ivy will finally be fully healed, the Pilot is killed. Why couldn't he have just died in the helicopter crash? Was he kept alive to kill him later to make things seem more dangerous? And why does Katana suddenly have little sparklies hovering around her head?

I think she pulled her swing and let him die! That's why he was kept alive! To be a clue that Katana is being controlled somehow. Possibly.

You know, I was reading somebody's reviews on The Birds of Prey when I was doing a search to remind me what Choke's henchmen were called. Turns out, they were called Cleaners. Anyway, it was two guys reviewing the comic and they seemed to really like it up until Issue #7 when they finally began noticing all of the problems with Duane's writing that I was pointing out several issues before that. But they still believed the previous issues were really well done! The part that I really loved was when the first guy ended his bad review, he hoped that the other reviewer would be able to figure out a way to defend and make sense of all the things the first reviewer hated. See? That's what I'm always bitching about with comic book readers! They continually defend bad writers and bad editing because they want to like the characters so badly! They can read the shittiest shit but if they can contort some fucked up rationalization for the horrible writing, the story suddenly becomes good! Man, I hate that shit.

Those reviewers probably hate people like me though. I'm cranky and unforgiving and I take offense when someone pisses in my face and calls it Batman. But this isn't about Batman! So I should probably finish this comic if I'm going to get 19 more read today!

While Poison Ivy luxuriates in her healing grass, she tells the other Birds that she's dying. Her new suit is the only thing keeping her alive. It also augments her powers.

And then it's time travel time! Also a little space travel too since it's a week later in Dubai and not a week later in the Amazon. The problem with Time Travel and the reason nobody can get it to work correctly is that when you travel back 100 years, the Earth is no longer where it was 100 years ago. Fuck, the solar system has moved millions of miles along with the galaxy as well! So to correctly travel back 100 years in time, you also have to move through space by calculating where the Earth was 100 years ago. Also, you probably have to account for the expansion of the universe which would make everything closer together 100 years ago as well! So people in the future probably have time traveled but nobody knows what's happened to them. They simply disappear into the past and become frozen blocks of ice as they materialize in deep space in a place where the Earth won't be for 100 years.

Hmm, that has nothing to do with reading this comic book either! I'll never get through this stack today! I need some Ritalin.

So, in Dubai, Poison Ivy's crashing of the business meeting suddenly encounters some resistance.

Travel Foreman draws a really nice bottom of an office chair. No lie!

Back to the Amazon and one week ago (fuck I'm feeling nauseated), Poison Ivy tells the Vegepygmies to stop attacking. And just like that, everyone is out of danger! The only problem is they've all been poisoned with the same poison infecting Poison Ivy and will all die in six months unless they become eco-terrorists with Poison Ivy.

Oh come on, Canary! Batman kindly warned you last issue and you bit his fucking head off!

So, back to the future in Dubai, Poison Ivy is not bathed in plant killing petro-chemicals. Batgirl crashes through the window, swinging from somewhere. That was pretty much the tallest tower in the world or something and Batgirl still managed to swing in through the top floor window. Black Canary does too while Starling simply uses the door. The Birds feel they have to help Ivy because if they die from this poison, killer spores will be released from their bodies which will begin an epidemic that will destroy the entire world (except Madagascar). So the Birds have turned into Eco-Terrorists and when they've got the board room locked down, Ivy gives Starling the command.


Birds of Prey #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. There! How about that! This comic was just barely good enough to gain a ranking at the bottom of the shit pile of stinking, rancid New 52 comics. Maybe it'll keep some kind of logical consistency from here on out. And I'm sure Starling didn't actually kill the guy. Probably just made him shit his pants.

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