Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Justice League #11

Insert your own Goddamned joke here.

I've got 21 comic books to read before I'm completely caught up so I don't have time to be funny! I'm going to plow through the last of these issues so that I can take my time with the new arrivals each week after that. Plus I'll be able to read something other than comic books. And maybe attend to my business so it doesn't go under. And possibly play a little more Call of Duty. And mostly just sit around in the backyard napping.

Last issue, The Justice League had just been defeated by an author dying of cancer. Sure, maybe he had a few super powers and he'd done a little research but he was still a writer. Near death. Against Batman! And Superman! And Wonder Woman! And Cyborg! And The Flash! And Green Lantern! And Aqu...well, did I mention Batman?!

The author David Graves main power is The Tear-Jerker.

While the rest of the Justice League are overcome by sad thoughts, Batman fights through it. Hell, the death of his parents might be sad but only when Batman finds the sadness appropriate. Showing Batman his parents being murdered while Batman is in Kick-Your-Ass Mode is just going to fuel his need to be even more kickier.

For some reason, Graves teleports back to where he's keeping Steve Trevor: Trevor's sister's house. He only had the entire Justice League paralyzed by sadness and then he leaves them to recover. I'm guessing that his contract calls for a minimum 100,000 words or so. This was just the Prologue. Or the Prelude, maybe. Perhaps a simple Forward.

Really, The Flash? Because Batman has been so forthcoming up to this point.

Graves torments Steve's sister a bit while the ghosts of Graves' family sit with him. He mentions that his son was ravaged with disease at the end and didn't recognize him. And later, Superman mentions that they saved Graves and his family. So it looks like some form of cancer killed off Graves' wife and children and is now taking Graves. He blames the Justice League so he must blame them for his cancer.

I haven't called out DC's editors in a while. I missed the typo in Legion of Superheroes #11 in Damsel Girl's introduction box because I've stopped reading those boxes a long time ago. I ignored a typo in another comic's Last Issue box. So I'll throw this one out there and remind everyone: DC's Editors have the easiest job in the world because they don't fucking do it!

Wonder Woman gets all Amazony on everyone and declares she's going to go cut this asshole's head off. But Batman stops her and tells her that they don't cut people's heads off. Speak for yourself, Batman! Or was that a hint to her that cutting off heads would go too far but maybe, you know, breaking some guy's neck would be okay. Wink wink.

Then Green Lantern tries to stop her.

No wonder Sinestro is so condescending to Hal Jordan. Jordan fucking sucks. So he earned the ring for his great Willpower. And yet, every other Justice League Member can break his constructs! Abin Sur fucked up! Should have been Guy Gardner all along.

Wonder Woman next disparages Green Lantern's sexual abilities and slices him in the chest with her phallus. Superman tries to stop her and gets kicked six blocks away. Xena Wonder Woman can't be stopped!

It's as if Jim Lee were a shitty director and he hired the worst extras imaginable. "Look like you're looking at the big video monitor! Maybe more people could point? Yeah! Yeah! Now it looks like you're all looking at it! Bravo!"

Cyborg Boom Tubes everyone away from the public and into Graves' writing cabin in Maine. Tensions are still running hot so Batman tells them to cut the shit and work together.

I mean Aquaman! I didn't recognize since this is the first time he's spoken in four or five issues.

Wait, what? That was Superman? No, no. I'm sure it was Aquaman.

David Graves' Journals give the Justice League some of the answers. Graves and his family became ill shortly after Darkseid's attack on Metropolis and he blamed the Justice League even though everybody in Metropolis didn't suddenly have cancer. Batman also discovers Graves went to that mountain to be reunited with his dead loved ones. So they Boom Tube there and Cyborg manages to spot the entrance to the Land of the Dead.

No, Victor, you're completely dead and your cyborg half is merely life support.

Once in the Valley of Souls, they all see visions of deceased family members. Except for, you know, Cyborg.

I told you! You're dead, mother fucker!

Oh, and I thought Wonder Woman might see her mother killed by Hera. But she's probably gone off in Limbo or The Happy Hunting Grounds or wherever dead Amazons wind up. I probably knew if I could remember more Xena. Instead of her mother, she sees Steve Trevor who tells her, "You're too late." Well, doesn't that just twist your lasso.

In the Shazam back-up story, Billy Batson finally makes it to Hogwarts The Wizard's Lair by hopping aboard the mystic subway after getting punched in the face by the asshole kid that bullies his foster brothers and sisters. Oh, and Black Adam acts like a giant dick.

Justice League #11 Rating: No change. The comic is still a huge improvement over the initial Darkseid story arc but I will not give a team book a boost in the Rankings when the members of the team beat each other up when they have a disagreement. It's simply silly.

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