Captain Atom #10

Here's how I know there is no God among us nor is there any God at all anyway:

While driving home from my work route tonight, I was speaking out loud in the car about what happened during the night that I was happy about. I was saying these things in a sing-songy fake (and probably incorrect) Hungarian accent. This is what I said:

"I saw a little raccoon."
"I filled up my propane."
"I fucked a little bunny."

Was that part of God's plan? Was it my destiny to have this moment, alone in the wee hours of the morning? Was it revealed to me so that I could spread the message and be an inspiration? Of course not.

What the fuck did you expect my argument to be? Some wildly original philosophical treatise on proving the nonexistent? Or disproving the supposed existent? Or...no, never mind all that! That's my fucking argument, right up there! When the other side comes up with a proof that God exists that doesn't sound as stupid as my proof God doesn't exist (which you just read), I'll come up with a stronger argument! But since a stronger argument isn't currently needed, you get the "God doesn't exist because I sang about fucking a bunny in a fake Hungarian accent."

Captain Atom is currently in the Timestream which is "a realm beyond time and space." Yet it acts exactly like a realm within time and space. He has discussions with other beings which play out along time the way discussions do. I say something and you listen to me and then you respond. Cause and effect. A symptom of time. And also the four or five beings having the conversation are floating in a largish area with waves moving about beneath them. A certain distance exists between each of them which is a symptom of space. So I don't think Captain Atom knows what he's fucking talking about.

The name of this issue is Benebib. Or Benesis. Brncsib? Bcncbib?

The Captain Atoms try to fight Chrono Mota but find their powers ineffective against their future self.

Think happy thoughts?

No, seriously, I have a plan, Cap! Here me out: You go back in time to when your mother first fell in love with Crispin Glover and then you get your mother to fall in love with you instead. How? I don't know! Finger bang her or something. Then you'll never exist and everything will be okay! No, wait. That won't work. If you never exist then you'll never be around to finger bang your mom which means she'll still fall in love with Crispin Glover and Chrono Mota will still end up existing. Hmm.
Okay! Okay! Plan B! Just refuse to fight Chrono Mota! He can't kill you or else he'll create a paradox where he can't exist and then he'll stop existing so then he wouldn't have been able to kill you so then you'll exist again. But this time, don't ever heal that stupid little boy's brain cancer and refuse to acknowledge any future selves that try to speak with you. Ta da!

Oh, if that plan doesn't work, Plan C is to just kill yourself. That should take care of Chrono Mota and even if it doesn't, you'll be dead and you won't have to fucking worry about the end of the world. Just let it go, man. Let it go.

Oh! The Elfquesty looking Captain Atom agrees with me! Do nothing! Tao Power, bitches!

Oh, by do nothing, this Captain Atom actually means go back to the past and finger bang Captain Atom's mom. Well, he actually has a few other places in mind, like preventing the accident that created Captain Atom or saving Cap's dad from dying.

"But wait", everyone reading this comic is screaming at the same time as they tear the jelly from their eyeballs and punch out their own teeth to shove up their asses, "Didn't the Captain Atoms from the future declare that they couldn't change the past which is why they wanted New 52 Captain Atom to change his future instead? Are they going to exploit another stupid technicality to prevent Chrono Mota from ever existing or is J.T. Krul just going to conveniently ignore the rules he set up for time travel?

Elfquesty Captain Atom goes back to the moment where New 52 Captain Atom cures the kid's brain cancer. But since none of these Captain Atom's can change the past, Elfquesty Captain Atom is going to have to convince Issue #2 Captain Atom to not cure the cancer since curing the cancer is in his future. Um, right? Or New 52 Captain Atom can just go back to his present, find the kid, and kill him. Fucking problem solved.

But, you know, I've said it before and I'll say it again: "Fuck you, J.T. Krul." Because guess what happens that wasn't supposed to happen?

Elfquesty Captain Atom changes the past by undoing some of Captain Atom's cancer cure.

Let's just pretend for a second that J.T. Krul didn't actually mean that the future Captain Atoms couldn't change the past (even though they blatantly said that because of the New 52 Captain Atom loophole of changing his future). The future Captain Atoms complained that they couldn't see the initial "wave" in time that began the path to the end of the world and, thus, Chrono Mota, because that tiny wave created a giant wave in the time stream that blocked their view from the future. But that meas that the Timestream is within Time and Space because the wave takes up space to block their view and it travels across time to grow in size. So, fuck you again, J.T. Krul.

Basically, this entire stupid ass storyline was to put a big fat fake self-imposed limit on Captain Atom's powers. He "can't play God," whatever that means. So he can't be a great big lie to make feel fear death a little less? He can't give false meaning to people's lives to hide the chaotic randomness of the universe? No, I think it just means "Captain Atom cannot cure anything that a normal fucking doctor couldn't cure." I think it should also mean that "Captain Atom can't build anything that a normal engineer couldn't." I think there a bunch more corollaries to that but I don't want to list them all.

In the end, Captain Atom kills the kid he saved to save the world. But New 52 Captain Atom doesn't retain any memories of the catastrophe that was averted simply because he cured one kid of brain cancer. What's to stop him from trying again?

Oh, that's what will stop him. He's believes that one data point is a conclusion.

This issue ends where the whole time retardedness began with Captain Atom looking in the window on Ranita at dinner. Except he gets there before Alexander Alexander Scott Scott Alexander meets up with her. So he decides to play scientist (not God!) and create a human version of himself out of his own molecules to try and get lucky.

He's just going to get even more depressed watching his fake self score!

So how does this work exactly? It looks like this version of himself is completely disconnected from him, so how is this working to Captain Atom's advantage? He just created another rival! What a fucking idiot.

Captain Atom #10 Rating: -2 Ranking. This comic was already going to lose a rank for the stupid time travel story anyway. But it lost another rank for breaking it's own time travel rules and for Captain Atom being so fucking dense that he believed making an individual that is "essentially Nathaniel" will somehow make him feel less lonely if it ends up dating Ranita. The main thing hurting this comic though is having J.T. Krul write it. At least I don't care about Captain Atom, so if J.T. Krul has to be busy writing one title, let him flounder here.