Friday, July 27, 2012

Legion Lost #11

The Meta-Marines are the super hero equivalent of the TSA.

Last issue Timber Wolf was shot multiple times in the chest by xXsNiPeR69Xx or Gunner as she's boringly called in this comic book. And since he's a poor man's Wolverine, he'll be okay, right? He can regenerate, correct?

Brin is a dumb name. CLINT is so much cooler! Especially when the ink runs!

Chameleon Girl is a little bit upset that Timber Wolf was shot, so she transforms into an Ogre Magi and storms Homeland Security's Metamarines. I don't know if "Metamarine" is supposed to be hyphenated like on the cover of the comic or not hyphenated like how it appears inside the issue. I think I have to go with the historical non-veracity of the covers and not hyphenate it. Or maybe I'll just call them "The TSA Avengers" from now on.

"That's 'Love how you employ your shield magnetic grappling hooks as offensive weapons, SIR!'"

After Chameleon Girl is knocked out by Fat TSA Captain America with his marshmallows on sticks, she reverts back to her proper antenna girl form. The TSA Avengers stand around saluting and saying the pledge of allegiance and high fiving and drinking American brewskis when Tyroc appears on the roof to scold them. But he should know better! Nobody fucks with Fat TSA Captain America!

That's racist!

Meanwhile, Oz and Tellus and Gates and Wildfire and Dawnstar rush Timber Wolf to a free clinic where they treat the poor, the uninsured, and the illegal. All the people that The TSA Avengers can't stand! Fucking anti-American assholes! If you loved America, you wouldn't be poor, fucker! Get a job!

Apparently they treat werewolves as well! So Timber Wolf is in good hands.

Meanwhile in Antarctica (unless The Culling really did take places in the Arctic (which it didn't even though Lobdell is an idiot and had it taken place in both places)), Dawnfire and Wildstar are busy searching for clues to where Harvest may have gone. But they don't find anything but drama! Goddamned drama followed them all the way back from the 31st Century! You'd think the 21st Century's drama wouldn't affect them. They'd be all, "These 21st Century emotions are so tame in comparison to our 31st Century Mega-emotions!" But no!

Bah! I just came up with cute nicknames for them! Now I have to change it to Dawn Wolf and Timber Star!

Back on the roof with The TSA Avengers, Fat TSA Captain America acts racist and fascist. Is that update enough on that scene? Oh, also picture the American Flag waving behind him. Okay, maybe a few more details. He beats on Tyroc and Chameleon Girl with his marshmallow stick while denigrating them for not being human. What an asshole!

DeFalco continues with the Wildfire/Dawnstar/Timber Wolf drama when they all get back to the hospital by Wolf's bed. It's really sad. Not the drama! The writing! For the first eleven issues (with DeFalco isn't totally responsible for), Dawnstar and Wildfire are supposedly in some great loving romance of the ages. And now it's instantly falling apart because Dawnstar seems attracted to Timber Wolf. I can't care that Wildfire is heartbroken because his relationship with Dawnstar was never more than a few narration boxes here and there stating how they loved each other. The have had next to no interaction throughout this comic. It's laughable to think that this drama is supposed to tug at the reader's emotions. Plus, Timber Wolf actually has a penis while Wildfire just has roiling dark energy between his other roiling dark energy.

That's what I just said! No penis!

Dawnstar and Tellus go flying about looking for Alastor again. Perhaps DeFalco felt bad about ditching that whole story arc. Or he probably had a different idea and needed to bring Alastor back so he can possess Dawnstar which is what happens at the end of this comic. But besides the Tyroc's prophecy and Chameleon Girl's secret and Tellus's revelation that I can't remember, now Timber Wolf thinks that the members of Legion Lost have had their minds wiped and were sent back into the past as punishment for something they did in the future. Which would mean one of them is a member of the Science Police's Echo Team! So many mysteries upon mysteries and drama within drama and tragedy upon tragedy.

Legion Lost #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm not sure there's actually a story here. The members just go from one fight to the next while each one continues to think about their own agenda which never gets fully explained. Tom Defalco writes like he's playing catch with his dog but he never actually throws the ball. The dog (you know, the reader) just keeps chasing phantom tennis balls (you know, plot lines! Try to keep up!) out of the park (the comic book!) and running into traffic (better comic books?) where he can get hit by a bus (Grant Morrison) and realize that his owner (Defalco!) is a fucking dick (bad writer!).

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