Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Captain Atom #11

Yay! Final countdown until Captain Atom's final issue! Hooray!

Captain Atom is finally cancelled. I thought it should have been canceled in the first wave of cuts. But I also thought Green Arrow should have been canceled. And Hawkman. And Detective Comics. But as you can see, people will continue to buy comic books no matter how bad the comic book writer is if the comic contains a character that is near and dear to their rear. Everything Tony Daniel writes should be canceled. Everything Scott Lobdell writes should be canceled. And everything J.T. Krul writes should be burnt and shot into the sun.

Do you think J.T. Krul is sad that Captain Atom was canceled? I like to believe he just shrugs his shoulders because he knows he's simply half-assing the writing job on this thing. My dream writer for this book would be Philip K. Dick. Holy fuck would do wonders with this character. And my dream writer for Swamp Thing would be H.P. Lovecraft. Except I'm not sure Lovecraft could write a comic book script. He fill it with Narration Boxes and then I'd bitch and moan the whole time because all the dialogue was in half-remembered memories and old, mysterious letters.

At the end of last issue, Captain Atom created a rival for Ranita's affections. What a fucking dumbass piece of shit. Now he's got to compete against his doppleganger and Scott Scott Alexander Scott Alexander Alexander Scott Scott!

Captain Atom begins this issue not understanding anything he's thinking. Objective reality can never be known because it can only be seen by a subjective viewer. And that viewer is probably drunk, if he knows what's good for him. Captain Atom then complains that the coffee table in the room can't really be understood until we bark our shin on it. At that point, we can understand the difference between Elves and Business men. And later we lie to our diary.

Okay, so he didn't say it as entertainingly sophisticated as I just phrased it! But I think his first narration box is J.T. Krul's defense for his own horrible writing!

See? He's saying I can never actually know if his writing objectively sucks! It's theoretically immune to my actual criticism! What a fucking genius!

Basically what it all boils down to is this: Captain Atom is pouting. He has all time and space at his fingertips. He can control all the matter in the universe. And all he can effectively do is pout and whine and doubt himself.

While Cap pouts, his handler, Mutated Stephen Hawkings, whines.

It's like J.T. Krul is trying his hardest to remember how Jon acted in Watchmen and describe it here.

After this little speech, Mutated Stephen Hawkings whines, "You're mine! I made you! Give me your secrets!" Not exactly like that. But really fucking close.

In the Continuum where Captain Atom is pouting because Ranita is out on a date with himself, objects and people begin to appear out of thin air. Scott Scott Alexander Scott Alexander Alexander Scott Alexander Scott's dead mother appears. A chest belonging to another worker when he was a kid appears at his feet. And Mutated Stephen Hawking continues to speak to an unresponsive Captain Atom going from one supposition to another about what's going on. Some fucking scientist he is.

Dr. Megala has a scientific theory!*

*sung poorly to the tune of "I've Got A Theory" from Buffy the Musical Vampire Slayer

I've got a theory! It's a loser! A fucking loser, no something isn't right there.
I've got a theory! Some writer's writing! And we're all reading what his crappy mind's created!
I've got a theory Krul should fucking quit! Because he ruins every comic book he's ever written!
It could be awesome! Just really awesome! Which is ridiculous cause Green Arrow was a jealous bastard chasing realty TV stars while dinosaurs fought in Korea.
It could be money!
Or maybe idjits.
I've got a theory! Go read Maaaaarrrrrrrveeeellllll!

After Dr. Megala declares he doesn't want anything from Captain Atom and that he's not going to play Captain Atom's game (which Captain Atom isn't playing. He's just being quiet!), Dr. Megala flies out of his wheelchair and disappears into deep space.

No, seriously. I know I often lie about a lot of things when I'm writing these commentaries. Half the time, you don't even know if I'm actually describing the comic book action or I'm just indulging my own twisted fantasies. But this time I'm serious. He flies into deep space. Okay, okay. I see you want proof. How dare you not trust me after I wrote you a song parody and everything.

Well, it's a fucking damn good thing Captain Atom has decided he can't play God anymore.

Actually, Dr. Megala doesn't physically fly into space although that would be more interesting. He just collapses on the floor not breathing but knowing everything there is to know because that was his wish. It probably killed him. Because Scott Alexander Cubed's mom is completely freaking out. And the other worker, Benjamin (Jacob's favorite!), open the chest to find all of the heroclix he's lost over the years. But they explode and he catches fire.

Apparently, Captain Atom has turned into a fucking Monkey's Paw. "Free wishes that turn out to be curses for everyone because my other half which isn't really me nor my other half is about to fuck Ranita, that asshole!" cri cri cri cri cri

Captain Atom #11 Rating: No change. This comic book is just a silly mess.

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