Earth 2 #3

After glancing at this cover, I did two things: I thought, "Should the caption be, 'Insert flaming joke here'", and then I searched Tumblr for "slut shaming." I don't think either was a good idea.

Oh, Tumblr users. You're so goddamned young. Everybody all puffed up with idealism and equal rights and nonjudgmentalness. It's all well and good. Very good, really. Keep at it. But while you're believing in a nicety nice world where we can all finally fucking get along, keep one thing in mind: don't fucking lose your whimsy or your sense of humor. Laugh at yourselves. Be joyous. Don't flip the fuck out when something funny crosses a line you don't think should be crossed. Some people can be flippant but that doesn't mean they aren't on your side. Being lighthearted doesn't make someone the enemy. Just be careful who you direct your anger at. Because I'm not saying you shouldn't be angry at a whole bunch of shit in this world. Go at it. Tear it down. Change the shit that needs changing. But don't fucking forget to laugh and just be careful what you choose to tear down.

Here's an example: In a college English class one year, the teacher had each student write down one word that described themselves. He then had the males write their words on one side of the chalkboard, and the females write their words on the other side of the chalkboard. In an instant, the teacher had turned this into a gender issue. Intelligent ended up on the male side but so did emotional. He then asked the students which word they would like to take over to their side and the women suggested "intelligent". I couldn't fucking resist the joke, so I said, "Emotional should be on the women's side." And they all got fucking mad at me. Which pleased me to no end that they all got emotional when I suggested emotional should be on their side.

Some people would look at that story as an example of me being sexist. But it's actually a story that portrays my flippancy and my humor. Especially since I knew I'd get lambasted for the joke but couldn't resist. The whole joke was merely for my own amusement. My self-esteem could take the hit if a few people in class who didn't really know me suddenly thought I was a sexist jerk. Why the fuck should I care? The next target of my humor was probably myself anyway. Be yourself and allow others to be themselves too. That's being a true feminist. Except, really, that's being a true humanist. An individualist. It's not like I took my dick out and slapped it across someone's face. Hmm, would that have been funny? Too much?

I wonder if someone from that class still tells that story but portrays me as a gigantic asshole? Probably!

Take that bullshit for what it's worth. Over half the population would still think I'm fucking young, so I'm not some wise motherfucker sitting in a cave in Nepal somewhere. Just a silly bastard who reads comic books and writes vulgar essays. I know that opening statement about Tumblr being so young sounded patronizing. But it wasn't. It was nostalgic. And one of the things I like about Tumblr is that it's a fairly youth driven site. I learn a lot from the up and coming generations. One of the things I've learned is that I've watched a fuckload of the same cartoons as y'all because I never stopped watching them.

So, Alan Scott finds himself all fucked up from the train explosion!

He's blind in the same eye that he was blinded in during 52 when the Zeta-Beam malfunctioned!

Alan Scoot Scott soon finds himself speaking to a giant green flame which is insisting that it is the power and the energy of the Earth.

Oh, James Robinson. You coward. You've effectively neutered Alan Scott by forcing him into a state of mourning for an indeterminate amount of time.

Just like Mercury warned The Flash that some horrible evil was coming and Earth 2 needed protectors, the Green Flame tells Alan Scott that Earth has chosen him to defend the planet against what is coming. But before he can actually become the Green Lantern, the scene shifts to Poland where Jay was meeting up with Hawkwoman.

Without the speech bubbles, I think this would make a nice t-shirt. Maybe just add "Hawaii" in rainbow letters across the bottom.

Oh, excuse me, Hawkgirl. I was trying not to sound patronizing again! They have a nice conversation where Hawkgirl says she was waiting for Jay because fate told her he'd be there and that Jay will believe that answer once he meets the guy. I don't who the guy is. I'd say, "Hawkguy," except I don't believe Hawkman, even on Earth 2, will really have anything convincing to say. But Hawkgirl has been learning about herself and her powers for nearly a year, it sounds like. And she gives Jay a little test to see that he's still really green when it comes to his powers. And then everything around them begins to die.

Back in Hong Kong, Alan Scott accepts the Green Fire's proposal (get it? He just accepted a proposal after giving one to his now dead lover! Oh! I'm sorry! That was unfeeling and rude. I should have said "to Sam" instead of the whole dead lover part!) and becomes Green Lantern. The Green part of his name represents that he's the Earth's champion. He is the environmental protector. But his powers are what the fans expect: green constructs based on his imagination. But there seems to be repercussions to his decision as well.

Can we say "Solomon Grundy"? I think we can.

My first thought after reading the above panels was, "Maybe this will be the form Obsidian takes on Earth 2?" but that was quickly followed by an overwhelming wave of joy and goosebumps as my mind screamed: "SOLOMON GRUNDY!" Boy, I hope you're right, mind. I've had enough bullshit out of you!

Alan Scott chooses the engagement ring he was about to give Sam as the token with which to focus his power. He puts it on his middle finger because Sam must have had bigger hands than Alan did. The energy then leaves Alan Scott to defend the Earth as he sees fit until the greater threat that he was created for eventually arrives. Alan Scott helps the survivors of the train crash and dedicates his fight to Sam.

Meanwhile, in Washington DC, the landscape is dying and rotting tree roots are sprouting up and tearing down the architecture. Grundy's narration even mentions The Rot to Alan's Green which I think is a really nice touch for Earth 2's Red/Green/Rot balance. Grundy tears down the Capitol Building in the hopes that it will lure the Green's new champion to DC. And then Grundy plans on sucking the life from the Man of Green.

Awesome.

Earth Two #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. The entire issue was great but simply for this Reboot of the rivalry between Alan Scott and Solomon Grundy, I'd give this issue a +2 ranking. I wasn't even expecting Grundy until I realized The Grey must be him. I am just out of touch enough with comic books that I wasn't considering the different rivals for certain characters, especially for the Justice Society. But when it all came flowing back to me, I was absolutely stoked. Can I use that word, falling back into my California-raised language? Solomon Grundy has always been one of my favorites because of the Super Friends and Legion of Doom cartoons. I can't exactly pinpoint why it is. It just is. Just like I have no idea why Garrett Morris was my favorite member of SNL growing up and Scatman Crothers was an idol of mine. Not that I'm calling either of them a gigantic walking corpse! I also hung out more with the old men on my block, going on walks and sitting on porches, then I did playing with the other five year olds. Um, anyway, terrific issue!