Monday, July 23, 2012

Batgirl #11

More and more of DC Covers are looking like posters for musicals.

Knightfall (a new villain paying homage to Batman getting his back broken, I guess) and his team of joyously aggressive misfits have surrounded Batgirl on the roof of Charise's Three Towers project. Being a good host, Knightfall introduces his crew to Batgirl. But I don't think Batgirl hears a word he says because she's busy Narration Boxing. Batgirl never fucking listens. And I bet she goes around telling everybody that she's great at multitasking! Oh yeah, I work on shit all the time while having conversations with my loved ones. Meanwhile, she never seems to remember what anybody said to her and most of her work is half-assed. But hey! She's totally awesome at multitasking!

Okay, so occasionally she's paying attention. But how can you ignore this!

How does Bleak Michael masturbate? I guess if he secretes acid, he must be resistant to acid. But where does he shop for clothing? Just imagine going on a short bike ride, the crotch in his pants would immediately be eaten away by ass and testicle sweat. I'm probably making too many assumptions. He can probably control when he secretes acid and what part of the body it comes out of. Boy, that's a really disgusting thought.

Knightfall's henchwomen are Katharsis and Bonebreaker. Katharsis's super power is to scream at inappropriate moments in scary movies. And no male reading this blog wants to know what Bonebreaker can do. But at least Batgirl doesn't have to worry.

The thing I hate most about Gail Simone's Batgirl is turning the page only to confronted by half a dozen black and purple Narration Boxes on every page. Simone just can't get the comic out of Batgirl's head. This comic might work just as well if it were done as a diary and the only art were little hearts and flowers and "i love dick" sketches in the margins. Dick Grayson, you perve!

Dear Diary:

Today I found myself on the roof of that cunt's hip-hop upscale gentrifaction project. The view was to die for. Literally since I was face to face with some creep named Nightfell and her crew. I made a quick inventory of my gear. Anybody watching probably thought I was doing the Macarena, lol!

Oh and Eww! You wouldn't believe this one old black androgyne named Bleck Mickey. His super power was acting like an old, discarded car battery left on some ghetto playground being used as second base by the poor kids.

Speaking of the poor kids! Did you know Bruce Wayne is trying to improve all of the slums in Gotham to make everyone's lives better?! I hope Batman is helping him, ;b

Let me tell you, Diary, it was intense! Last month I probably would have been all, "Waah waah waah! I've been so traumatized by The Joker why am I even running around as Batgirl again because every time I get in trouble I become !!!! paralyzed !!!! with fear!" But not tonight, Diary! Tonight, I was all, "Which one of you idiots wants their ass kicked first?" YES I DID! And guess what?! Nightfell was all, "Oh no no don't hurt us we just wanted to talk".

Okay, Diary. Call me stupid if you want because I seem to remember them saying they were going to test me to see if I could join but I'm always thinking so far ahead of the current second that you can't blame me for not really paying attention to what's really going on. Like that time I was being drowned by that guy in the sewers, lol? I totally should have been thinking about how to not drown! But I was like all, "What should I pick up on the way home? I wonder if Alysia wants to eat a tub of ice cream with me and watch Twilight again?" Meanwhile, I'm all, "GLUB GLUB GLUB!" LOL! I think I think too much!

I wonder if Batman does that? Maybe it's a self-confidence problem! I'm always questioning myself. Do you think Superman has ever asked himself, "Am I being a jerk right now?" I bet not! I bet he always does the right thing every time! He's so hot! I wonder what his tongue would feel like on my body? Don't tell anybody I thought that Diary! I trust you!

I need a snack, Diary! I'll be right back to finish my story about what happened with Nightfell!

Okay! I'm back with carrot sticks! Yum! Okay CRUNCH CRUNCH (he he he), so anywayz, after Nightfell says the last thing she wants to do to me is hurt me because she's going to kill all the bad guys, I'm all, "Oh yeah? You gonna kill everyone that like commits any sin?" and she's all, "Forget it this isn't working kill her!" SRSLY! I KNOW RITE?! Put some effort into your pitch, bitch! Maybe I cudda been swayed or something. You don't know! Pfft. She barely even tried! So then the ass-kicking commenced!

And guess what?! I took out Angel chick and Bleck Mickey immediately with my batarangs! BOOM! But that left Bonerbreaker and Nightfell! But then I tricked her into stepping on my exploding batarang! It was totally awesome! Except I should have remembered that I always go for the knockout blow like that guy named Headcase told me I do when I was hanging out with the Birds that time Katana blew up a hotel and killed hundreds of people. Whoops! Good thing I'm like totally awesome with computers and was able to cover that shit up in the press by hacking every computer in Gotham! While I was doing that, I totally pranked this Waller bitch and stole a bunch of her files! But we'll talk about that later, okay?

So that knockout blow thing I'm supposed to be so good at? Not so good at it! Bleck Mickey was already back on his feet and splashing acid in all over my suit! Gah! Really?! Come on! And then the Angel Chick starts throwing punches too! What the hell? Did I bring my nerf batarangs to this battle?! LOL!

Anyswayze, things were really getting bad by this point! Especially when Bonerbreaker got me in a choke hold and was all, "DO I GET A VOTE DO I GET A VOTE?!" Please, skank. Come up with your own lines! I would have been all, "CHOKE ON THIS, SLUT!" Or maybe, "LET ME HELP YOU OUT WITH YOUR DIET, CHUBBY!" You know?! Something that would really get her off her game because she'd be all, "Fuckin' bitch thinks she can shame me?!" and then she'd start getting sloppy! Oh, but since I was the one being choked, it was time for me to come up with a new plan!

Oh! Sorry to hang you off the cliff there, Diary, but I forgot to tell you! Alysia has met someone! I knew she wasn't getting all Occupyey and Politicky on her own. I mean, she is a bit shallow. I don't mean that in a bad, gossipy, bitchy way! She's so much fun and just right for me! So this guy, he gives her a cat on their first date! Is that psycho-sexual or what?! I just have to meet this creep! He said its name is Alaska which is like totally weird because I once had a cat named Alaska too! But my jerkoff brother raped it or something. Ick. Fuck these carrot sticks. I need some ice cream.

Okay, so back to the fight! So I'm busy being choked and just like that time I was drowning in the sewer (EWW! LOL! SO GROSS!), all I can think about is that I'm dying. At least I know what my last thought will be when I die, Diary: "I'm dying!" So profound, rite? And then I start choking even worse because I'm trying to laugh at what Nightfell says to me!

Oh! I forgot I had my Bat Camera with me, so here's a pic taped in. I wrote the speech bubble on it!

"They're seen so much horror!" She really said that! Is Nightfell ESL? Oh! I bet she's that stupid cunt Charise Carnes, the hip hop gentrifier! She's so dumb! I mean, normally I wouldn't be so mean, judging people and everything, especially other women because, you know, we gotta be united and stuff, but this chick ate her parents! SRSLY! NO. JOKE. And so now I'm really going to die because I'm choking and laughing and they think the tears are because I'm scared and now I'm angry they're going to think I was a wussy baby. But then the cavalry arrives!

"Oh no! Not her! I hope she doesn't decide to shoot me because I'm struggling!" That's what I was thinking! LMBO!!!

So Nightfell let me and the detective go and the detective told me all about Charise Carnes! Charise was committed to Arkham because nobody believed her story that some intruded killed her folks and made her watch. But in Arkham, she saw more horrors than anyone can know. "SHE'RE SEEN SO MUCH HORROR!" har har har! The Detective took me to her place and I'm starting to get a bit of a gay vibe going on. I'm not totally sure I'm into it because I don't want this to be a whole Montoya/Batwoman thing, y'know?! It's been so done! So I asked her why she's all up in my vagina and she pulls her gun on me! WTF?! Diary, you know what I had to do! I beat that bitch down! That cunt gonna pull a gun on me every time we meet?! I was tempted to tell her that I was Barbara Gordon so she'd feel super fucking guilty about pointing a gun at me! Make her feel like she was the Joker and worse! That stupid bag.

So I took her down and told her to spill everything! And she did! Wow, people not trained by The Batman are so easy to break. She tells me that her husband was murdered in Arkham in front of Charise as she (Melody! Her name is Melody! Have I forgotten to mention that?! Some detective named Melody has it out for me! TOTAL LOL!) ran in trying to save him. Later Charise was released on suspicion of Jury Tampering in her case, and Charise contacted lots of cops and officials and judges and councilmen and created her whole Nightfell persona to save Gotham. And then she tells me there's a MOLE in the BAT family! Isn't that funny?! I wonder who it is?!

So, that was my night, Diary! Stay safe tucked in the secret compartment with my BATBUZZER and don't let Alysia read you!

The mole.

Batgirl #11 Rating: No change. It was a pretty good issue of Batgirl but until the incessant chatter in Batgirl's head calms down and the Narration Boxes stop fucking with the flow of the story, I can't give it any more bumps in the ranks.

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