Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Legion of Super-heroes #10

Is the Dominator inseminating them with his Spooge Stick? Last issue was practically tentacle sex and now this cover is turkey baster rape.

Should I trademark the term "Spooge Stick"? I wonder if I should make some available for sale. I'll post them on Etsy and get some homeless people to pose mostly naked while romping through the forest inseminating hikers. With the Spooge Stick! Hmm, maybe I should think this through better. I can already see my photo shoot turning into a whole shitload of rape convictions.

Last issue, Dream Girl and Brainiac 5 were kidnapped by a single alien because Brainiac 5's power is thinking up stuff and Dream Girl's power is dreaming up future stuff and neither of them have the power to fight back.

Hey! If Brainiac 5 were truly smart, he'd just ask Dream Girl what kinds of things he's going to invent in the future and then invent those things! He should ask her how he solves the problem of time traveling after Flashpoint and then she can think about that and take a nap and wake up with a vision of how he fixes it. And then Brainiac 5 can just do that! Come on, Brainiac 5! How come I'm smarter than you? I'm going to call myself Brainiac 6! And if the problem is that Dream Girl can't know what she's going to dream about ahead of time, just invent that thing that's supposedly been invented already that helps you have lucid dreams! Then give it to Dream Girl and all of your fucking problems are solved while you can play Xbox and drink beer!

I just thought there should be a band named Turkey Baster and, of course, there is. So I listened to their song "Today's the Day." Turkey Baster would be a better band with a new band. I can hear the song that the song I'm listening to should be and it's good! You know, with a different band playing the instruments and singing.

This is the Dominator's Earth Embassy. It is yonic. That means it looks like female Dominator genitalia. Unless the male Dominators have the vaginas.

Spellchecker is sexist. It understands "phallic" but not "yonic". Most houses are actually yonic so this means the Dominators, psychologically, aren't really that different from humans. Their Embassy is womb-like. It is a return to the familiar. Human houses are created the same way. Comforting and belly-like. Uterine. It's only when men begin needing to show power and strength in business that towers and churches and skyscrapers begin to thrust themselves upward, penetrating the once virginal skies. And then the rockets really wreck her smooth blue opening.

Cosmic Boy has decided to infiltrate the Dominator's Embassy so that he can get proof that they have something to do with the abduction of Brainiac 5. He needs this proof so that Legion can attack the Dominator's homeworld without a bunch of bureaucrats and politicians throwing temper tantrums because Legion is supposed to listen to them no matter what because they said so.

This is Cosmic Boy's plan. I think. I don't know if I don't understand it because it's future-speak or because I don't know anything about the Legion of Super-heroes or because I'm just fucking retarded.

Oh! Cham probably means Chameleon Boy (or Lad or Girl or Lass) and the data-vampires are some kind of electronic doodad that steals information. I don't know why Cosmic Boy is so sure that information on the kidnapping will exist in the Dominator's Embassy computer. I would suspect the Dominators would keep all of their horribly incriminating anti-earth plans secret from the Dominators at the Embassy just in case of Legion infiltration like this. Especially when Legion has shape-shifters on their squad.

Brainiac 5 and Dream Girl find themselves captive on Dominion, the Dominators homeworld.

Coluans like Brainiac 5 have neurons in their asses? Oh wait! She meant probing differently. They've just been abducted by aliens though so Dream Girl should be more aware of the connotation of the words she's using.

Dream Girl is going to take a nap and try to envision their future escape (so she can use lucid dreaming to aid her precognitive dreams) while Brainiac 5 searches the chamber for ways out.

This panel is way sexier than it's meant to be.

Speaking of sexy things that shouldn't be sexy, my friend Brent and I invented sexmath. I decided it should be called "Algebraandpanties." This was my equation: 8=D(0). Then his sexmath equation was 69-69=(0). My equation may also be stated thus: 8=D(Y). That's pretty sexy too. Everyone at home should try coming up with Sexmath equations of their own. But remember kids: Sexmath is hard!

Cosmic Boy's raid didn't turn up anything. Without proof, Legion has been commanded to stop bothering the Dominators. But Star Boy (who should, actually, drop the Boy once you decide that full facial hair is your look) recruits a bunch of other Legionnaires to quit so that they can make a private raid on the Dominators without getting anybody in trouble. I'd have to say this is a slight technicality that will probably be overlooked by the Dominators when they realize Legion is attacking them. I doubt they'll look into it, see these particular members quit and thus have no affiliation now with Earth, and so won't declare war on Earth. Oh, but maybe they'll declare war on the Terrorist Threat and invade Earth for harboring Terrorist Super Powers! I can't imagine any patriot can see the fault of that logic, eh?

Meet your new rogue terrorist threats! I mean loyal companions and true patriots! I mean both, I guess, depending on whose side you're on.

Otaki has the ability of "Mindsense." What is that? I wonder if her brother has super powers and is named Otaku. I have a feeling Mindsense is that ability I suspected existing last issue where a person can sense any other person anywhere in the Universe. And with Mindwaji's Space Tracking ability, they'll find Brainiac 5 and Dream Girl in no time. Actually, with those two powers, can't they locate them right now and prove to the politicians that Brainiac 5 and Dream Girl are on Dominion?

Back on Dominion, Brainiac 5 and Dream Girl are being fed on one page which ends with Brainiac sticking a fork in his bed. Then the scene shifts to Cosmic Boy and friends for a page. Then when the action returns to Dominion, Brainiac 5 and Dream Girl have escaped and are fighting a bunch of the tiny slave Dominators. I guess Brainiac 5 was able to make a laser out of his mattress? Whatever happened that isn't shown, they're both caught and put back in their cells. And then Dream Girl has a terrible vision of the future!

Which one? Come on! Your future vision sucks if you can't glean that piece of information!

The Dominators are making some kind of Dominator Caste based on Brainiac 5's physiology. So they can have a Smart Ass Caste. And they're thinking about making a Caste based on Dream Girl. I wonder if they'd end up being hot Dominators?

And that's the end of the comic and the rescue team never makes it to Dominion this issue. Which means the cover is a spoiler for next issue! And the Dominator on the cover is carrying a Spooge Stick since he's take the DNA from the Legionnaires to create Dominators based on their powers and genes. So I think this is probably the first DC Comics' cover to depict actual semen.

Legion of Super-heroes #10 Rating: No change. This issue was definitely an improvement over some of the other issues but not so much that it could win over this non-Legion of Super-heroes fan. Or Legion of Super-heroes non-fan? Whichever!

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